Living Thanks

I was cleaning  my desk off the other day and had an accident. I don't know how it is in your house, but in mine the phone tends to never be on the cradle. I have found it in various places; in the basement on top of the washing machine, outside, in the garage and my personal favorite...in the refrigerator. Regardless, I was placing the phone in it's proper place and dropped it onto my computer. The screen itself did not shatter BUT the LCD display behind the actual plastic screen manifested a large crack.

Crap.

I rebooted the computer to no avail. The screen was toast and I made an appointment at the Mac store. I called my husband for reassurance that we had bought the protection warranty. He explained that it covers everything BUT the screen.

Crap!

I then went online to get a rough idea of what it was going to cost. According to all of the MacBook Air users who had been through the same trauma, it was not going to be cheap.

CRAP!!

I had lunch with a friend and then drove down to the store to get the bad news. I passed a church and read the notice board outside. I almost got into a car accident. The sign read as follows:

Live your Gratitude


Those three words sucker punched me. Not show your gratitude, or give thanks, but LIVE it. I pondered this all they way to the Apple store, where the nice hip young man asked me what happened. By way of explanation I turned on the computer. He took one look at the screen and shook his head. "A phone did this?" he asked. "Well, you see, I dropped it." I explained. It's not like I threw it. "It will be expensive," he says. "Yes- I know, please just fix it." I then cried about how much it was going to cost in the car.

I passed the notice board again on the way home. Live your gratitude. Those words began to distract me from self-pity. Live your gratitude. I began to think about how turning to Grace involves allowing all of the blessings in your life to empower and shape you as a person. How living in gratitude helps when crappy things happen. Accepting that they do in fact happen, but by embodying the blessings, there is a source of inner strength that dulls the edge of whatever pain one might be feeling.

I have this guilt complex where I get upset about things in my life that suck and over which I have no control. I then ruminate on how silly it is to feel sorry for myself when there are people all over the world who have it SO much worse than I do. So I try to suppress that anger or frustration which usually culminates in tears or anger followed by more guilt. I know guilt is a useless emotion, but that knowledge doesn't stop me from going there. Guilt is not the same as true frustration or sadness.

I have taught every single class with that theme leading up to Thanksgiving: Live your gratitude. Don't count your blessings, EMBODY them. Don't feel guilt for honest emotion- allow the strength of the Grace in your life to carry you through pain large and small. That strength will radiate.

I went to pick up my computer. The parts and service turned out to be free. I hugged the technician "Thank you SO MUCH! Happy Thanksgiving!!" A small unexpected blessing I am so grateful for and hope to embody and pass on to someone else.

Happy Thanksgiving. I am grateful for all of the amazing people in my life. I hope to express my gratitude by living it.

Friendsgiving

Yes- this was a marketing term coined last year or so to promote something somewhere and a colloquialism was born. I was having lunch with three of my besties today and got into a conversation about the holidays.  My friend Amy celebrates Christmas AND Thanksgiving at her house in one go because everyone is coming in from a different direction. For several days she hosts 20 people. Yes- you read that right....20, 20+ if you count the teenagers more than once. (I remember myself at that age.)

I started thinking about my own holiday experiences over the years, and how even though we drove each other nuts sometimes, how much I miss it. We have lost most of my immediate family members over the years and even though I do get to spend time with my parents, sister, brother-in-law and nieces- we no longer have that big family gathering.

I remember the Thanksgiving before I got married surrounded by many family members. My grandmother had brought me my mother's wedding dress to try on. I kept telling her that I already had my dress, but she persisted. Finally I told her to make my sister try it on. Her response was, "She's not big enough." I responded, "By big- you mean tall- right?" This conversation came to a head at, of all places, the Thanksgiving table. One of my uncles asked if I was finally going to try the dress on. I said that I told my grandmother Rebecca should try the dress on, but she told me Rebecca wasn't 'big' enough. My grandmother then exclaimed, "I don't think you are fat! I think you are pleasantly plump!" She then turned to my dear fiancee, "Right Alex?"

Awesome.

The funny thing is EVERYONE I know has a story like this. They are usually horrifying at the time, but when looking back, extremely funny. I miss my grandmother terribly. She is the source of many a funny family anecdote.

I was in Alex's office the other day and he was on a call talking about a tagline to go with the "Friendsgiving" concept. As he was talking I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote this:

Friends are the family you get to choose.


At lunch my friends Fatou and Melissa were discussing Thaksgiving. Their families have shared that holiday and Christmas for many years. At some point we were adopted into this fold and celebrate Christmas with them as well. We also do Halloween, New Year's and Memorial day.

I now can again have a large extended family. It consists of people that I might not be technically related to, but have been there for me in the best and worst moments. We sometimes fight as sisters do, we sometimes lend a shoulder to lean on as a favorite aunt would, and we are there for the tears like a mom. We know the good, bad and ugly about each other and choose to love and accept each other anyway. We are blessed, even though we sometimes don't realize it. There are also family anecdotes galore.

I am blessed because I get to spend Thanksgiving with my immediate family. I am blessed because I get to spend Christmas with my other family. So that being said....

"To Margaret!!" (Mel- that was for you)

Lost in Translation

I was talking to a friend of mine about my last post. I don't know if I expressed myself as clearly as I possibly could. I know sometimes I go off on tangents- so perhaps my point got lost. Here are some clarifications:

Having money doesn't make you shallow or unkind, just like NOT having it makes you noble....I know plenty of people with money who are some of the most generous wonderful people out there. If all their money disappeared tomorrow, they would still be the same awesome human beings. You can be gracious or an ass no matter what your financial background is!

The reason I was so annoyed with these women- who were guilty of nothing else but shopping- was that I could identify with them. I recognized a piece of myself in that dressing room that I don't particularly like.  She rears her ugly entitled head once in a while and even though I don't like her much- she's in there. She confuses wants with needs on occasion and when I was screaming at the shoppers next to me in my head- I was in reality screaming at her.

I have said it before and I will say it again- what you say in judgement about others doesn't really say a lot about them, but it does say a LOT about you.

Appreciate indulgences- ENJOY them. (especially shoes:)

I own too many shoes (I admit it Alex!!)

And that's all I have to say about that.......

Lost in the Shoe Department

Recently I had a day off from teaching and it was a beautiful afternoon. I decided instead of doing laundry I would go for a walk outside. (Sorry Alex) So as I had to pay my Saks bill (sorry again, Alex), I decided to take that walk on Greenwich Avenue. I would start at the bottom, enjoy a crepe at Meli Melo and work my way to the top and if I happened to pop in a store just for fun, why not?

After a fabulous solitary lunch with a good book, I made my way up the Avenue. I stopped in Starbucks and used a free drink coupon for the most ridiculously over-priced coffee they sell and overheard a woman talking about the friends and family sale in Scoop- everything 20% off. Hmmmmmm........

Now it is no secret to anyone who knows me that I love well made clothing. I love luxury fabrics. I LOVE a beautiful shoe (I think it is because my feet are always bare). I love obscure designers with interesting points of view- I never miss Project Runway. I am NOT ashamed to admit this.  I have champagne tastes and a beer budget- so thank goodness for consignment stores, final sales and ebay. So it couldn't hurt to stop in Scoop. Trying on is free!! Off I went to Scoop.

In the store there was a group of women shopping together. Each of them was carrying a handbag that cost more than my mortgage payment. I am not a class warrior, but these women were getting on my nerves in a BIG way. It wasn't the fact that they were obviously not worried about finances, it was the way they kept walking around grabbing things in a proprietary yet bored fashion. A nanny was chasing one of their children around the store. I was looking at a beautiful sweater and I heard a voice behind me say, "Oh, excuse me, are you just looking at that or are you going to try it on?" I turned around to a very thin blondish woman carrying a mortgage payment on her arm and a slightly annoyed expression on her face. Well I wasn't going to before, but I sure as HELL was going to try it on now. Never mind that it cost four weeks salary. 

So here I am in a dressing room next to this bitch posse who have half of the staff at their beck and call trying on a sweater I can't afford while I listen to them loudly ask each other if this dress makes them look fat- or do you think they make this in a smaller size? One woman in particular kept talking about what she NEEDED. I NEED a new this that and the OTHER thing. I stood staring at my reflection in the mirror in this beautiful garment. I wanted to start screaming, "YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T NEED ANYTHING YOU HORRIBLE WOMEN- YOU DON"T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT NEED- NEED AND WANT ARE DIFFERENT!! YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY BORED! YOU NEED TO EAT MORE AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN!!!" 

I needed to get out of the dressing room.

I handed the sweater to a nice sales associate. I told her I wouldn't be purchasing it and she could give it to the LOVELY woman in the dressing room next to mine. I then left, continuing my journey up the avenue. I was now in a bad mood. I was going to go in Ralph Lauren to look at a dress I am going to try and convince my husband to buy me for Christmas, but I didn't even feel like walking in the store. What would make me feel better? Shoes always work! And I had to pay my bill at Saks anyways....

So now I am standing in the shoe department. Everything I like looks like something I already own (not that I was going to purchase anything). This is depressing in and of itself as I now think I am just as bad as the women in the Scoop dressing room. I trudge upstairs to pay my bill.

A sales associate I know walks forward and gives me a big hug. She asks how I am doing and I tell her about the women at Scoop and how I feel guilty and what is wrong with me? Am I awful?.... She starts laughing. It is okay to like nice things she tells me, but they are certainly not necessary in life. I smile and think of the first time we met a few years prior. 

It was at the final markdown sale of the season. There was a GORGEOUS Dolce and Gabbana corset dress I was admiring and she asked if I would like to try it on. I looked at the $1400 price tag and said thank you, but no. She smiled and said, "Oh come on, just for fun!" So now I am in dressing room being zipped into this dress. "Oh my gosh...." she says. I look in the mirror. I am suddenly taller and thinner and oh my goodness I HAVE A BUST! She drags me out to the big mirror and a group of women start telling me how fabulous I look. "WHY did you make me try this on????" I wail. "Did you see it was on sale?" she asks. "I can't afford this ON SALE!" "Well let's just see, you might be surprised!" She drags me over to the cash register and explains that the dress was just returned and the sale price wasn't marked- also she can apply the extra 40% off. I stand there waiting to take the dress off- trying not to look at myself in the mirror. I cannot fall in love with this dress. She slowly turns me around and holds me my the shoulders.  "Are you ready for this? $315!" I start yelling and jumping up and down- she is yelling and jumping up and down and then hugs me. 

Now I know this is a LOT of money for me for a dress, but this dress is in a word AWESOME. Happy birthday, Merry Christmas, Valentine's Day, Labor Day, whatever. I am buying it. I then look around and realize that there are many other women waiting who are quite happy to wait and keep telling me that the dress was meant for me and how happy they are. I look at the sales associate and say, but why are you all so excited? She gives me a big happy smile and says, because YOU are. Now the other women are laughing and hugging me too. It was quite the moment.

This dress has since been worn many times. I always feel beautiful in it. I have loaned it out to several friends in need of a spectacular dress for a special occasion. Did I need it? No. I wanted it. I remember all the nice things that were said to me that day and think, THIS is what making a big purchase should feel like. 

The people that annoy me the most tend to be related to the part of myself that identifies with them. I don't like that spoiled child that lives somewhere inside of me. I didn't want to yell at those women, I wanted to yell at her. (Maybe I wanted to yell at them a little bit) 

An artist designs something, a fabric is made, a craftsman brings the work to life. It is something to be appreciated and admired. Yes it is okay to like nice things. Of course there are more important things to worry about in life, but recognizing WANT for what it is. I never want to confuse my lifestyle with my life. I never want my lifestyle to become more important than my life. How can I appreciate these indulgences otherwise? 

This past year I have consigned many pieces of clothing. I have also given away and donated a good third of my closet. I have kept all of the classic well made pieces I will have until I can't wear them anymore (My sister's girls have a hell of a wardrobe coming to them someday). 

Appreciate beauty and craftmanship. Be grateful. Indulge once in a while. Be kind in the dressing room. 

Rules to shop by.

Trust

It has been a life-changing year for me. I turned forty this year, and in this so called milestone point of my life I was given the gift of seeing what I was made of. What I was willing to fight for...and what I was willing to let go. Honest self-examination is not always pretty or easy, but it is absolutely necessary to live in a truthful manner. After spending three days in New Jersey with three other musketeers at the Anusara teacher's intensive I had one of those blinding flashes of revelation.

The theme of the intensive was "The Dharma of Relationships"- which I tried to explain to my dear husband..."in terms of Tantric metaphysics....." at which point he would cut me off "Fantastic! I got to go! Love you!" I lost him at Dharma.....

I thought about what I was truly grateful for...from a heart centered TRUE place. A lot of memories, wonderful ones, came flooding back. There were also lots of tears. Every time I would call Alex going on about how much I loved him he would respond, "What the hell are you guys DOING down there??"

I tell my students all the time that they are stronger than they think they are. They are more open than they think they are. We have a greater capacity for strength and love than we realize, myself included. I have had recurring back problems for the past few years. A lot of this stems from me not being able to put down a burden or let something go. To trust.

During the advanced practice I put my trust in my friend Linda in a deep backbend. Backbends have been challenging for me in recent years. If you think about it...the thoracic spine behind the heart is very inflexible. There is a reason for that. That part of the body protects the heart. If you are in a situation where something comes flying at you, what do you do? You turn around and fold in to protect your heart. To go into a very deep backbend it is necessary to OPEN the heart center and make yourself vulnerable (so to speak). In a deep lunge my friend Linda soothingly instructed me into the pose as every old fear of getting hurt screamed NO in my head. I looked at my hand where I had written "soften". I softened, I listened to her voice, but it took me a few moments to hear what she was saying. When I came out of my momentary haze I heard, "Courtney, that is your foot on the back of your head." I promptly burst into tears.

Now we had been talking about lots of intense serious stuff, but all it took was that touch of my foot to the back of my head to realize that I have finally reached a point where I could let go of the heavy stuff I had been carrying around. I had been so strong for so long I could finally be more open.

When you are willing to go deep and be honest, this is where clarity lives. Life is full of distractions, I can fill up my whole day with them. Some fill up their whole lives. Some end up on reality television. Self-distraction and delusion are powerful things. Self- examination sometimes sounds about as enticing as a colonoscopy. But I can't be one of those people who won't go to the doctor because they are afraid they will hear bad news.

Hopefully I can do the work, day by day, breath by breath, on the mat and off the mat to get to that place where I can trust that it is going to be okay. My strength and open heart will help me navigate my life in an honest way. To quote one of my favorite songs these days.....

"It's not the end of the world, oh no, it's not even the end of the day"

Pride before the Fall....of your tights.....

I am off to see the Wizard with the rest of the Anusara community within the tri-state area in October. John Friend, Founder of Anusara Yoga is coming to town and I am lucky enough to be participating in the three day teachers intensive as well as both weekend workshops with him. Did I mention I am slightly terrified?

Okay- I will mention it now.

I am going to be surrounded by much more experienced teachers, including my own, with whom I struggle to consider my peers. In other words, the little voice in my head has been whispering to me. You know THAT voice. The voice that tells you in so many different ways that you are basically not worthy. In my case, the voice has been telling me that my skills are not nearly up to par.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do any of us?

It is good to be humble. It is good to be confident. These are things we must cultivate. If we take things too far, arrogance or insecurity can rear their ugly heads. This is a yoga that is centered in the heart. There is no room for arrogance or fear in the heart.

I told a story to my class the other day about an experience I had at the tender age of twenty-three. I was being taken out to dinner with my co-workers to a fancy steak restaurant frequented by businessmen and mobsters. I was wearing a purple crushed velvet mini dress with black tights and high heeled mary-janes. (give me a break, it was the early nineties) I was finishing up at the office and everyone was waiting for me. I threw on my leopard coat and ran to the bathroom, not bothering to take the coat off because I was in a hurry. When we arrived at the restaurant I was the last to check my coat and walk to the table. I smugly noticed that everyone was looking at me. We sat down and ordered drinks. I got up to go to the ladies room (I drank a LOT of coffee in those days) and again noticed most of the room watching me cross the restaurant. I must look HOT! I thought to myself as I started to strut. I might have even flipped my hair. I arrived at the bathroom and turned to regard the awesomeness that was me in the floor length mirror.

My dress was tucked into my tights. Humbled, yet seeing the humor in the situation, I strutted back across the restaurant, much to the amusement of the other diners. I think of this whenever my head gets too big.

When I feel scared or insecure, I tend to go too far in my head and ignore my heart. How do I turn this back to quiet confidence in what I know and teach and find the humility in the knowledge that I have so much more to discover and learn. Well first principle, dummy. Open to Grace. Again, fear does not live in the heart.

In my mind, it is alright to second guess yourself. It is okay to question. Otherwise you wind up like a certain arrogant person walking around with her dress in her pantyhose. What is the worst that could happen? The first time I met John Friend he was kind, gracious, funny and humble. If he asks me a question, I hope instead of panicking and screaming "Inner Spiral!!!" I will either answer him confidently or say these words.....

"I don't know."

and that is ok:)

Disaster Relief

Well HELLO!!!!

I know it has been awhile and for that I apologize. It has been a whirlwind of a summer culminating in a hurricane. Somehow it was fitting.

Ross Rayburn once told me about teaching, "Don't say something until you have something to say." Normally I have NO problem writing and/or talking, but I felt as though I needed to take a break to step back and recharge my batteries. A life observed....examined....whatever.

I went to Martha's Vineyard to spend the second half of my summer with my family. I decided before going that I would not only spend as much time as possible with my family, I would also be game for whatever THEY wanted to do. When we went to the beach if someone asked me to build a sandcastle, play Kadima, go boogie boarding, clamming, boating, etc, I would get my butt off of my beach chair, put down my book/People magazine and engage. I was probably in the water more this summer than the past five summers combined. My family would be my yoga.

Every year there is a twelve meter regatta off of the island. These boats are beautiful to watch. My husband races every weekend on a smaller sailboat. Sailing is his yoga. He crewed last year on one of the twelve meters, but took this year off from the race. On the day of the races he came downstairs and asked if anyone wanted to go out on the boat to watch. It was an overcast day and the boys did not want to go. I replied cheerily, "I'll go." He regarded me for a moment then said, "I'm not going into town to go shopping Courtney."

Now I could have responded many different ways in either defensive or hurt or angry mode. I chose Grace. I responded, "I know." He kept looking at me suspiciously like I was going to get there and sneak away to purchase shoes. Finally he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Um...okay." Off we went.

Just the two of us on the boat watching these amazing crafts. I took a turn at the helm while he took pictures. At one point a boat came back around right at us. Alex yelled to me..."Get us out of here...NOW!" I hit the gas and complied. After that shot of adrenaline we looked at each other with relieved laughter. It was a wonderful moment. It was the type of moment we had not had in awhile. It was the type of day we had not shared in a long time. My mother commented afterwards that she was impressed that I did get angry at Alex's comment. I reminded her that when I got married one of her most valuable pieces of advice was, "Pick your battles."

There is a difference between placating and letting something slide. I am trying at his point in my life to express when my feelings are hurt in a constructive way. I am also trying to grow a thicker skin and do things my family loves to do. I hope in doing this that door will swing both ways. It already has.

It was a wonderful and tough summer. We faced life changes, illness, and riptides, but by remembering to stick together and FOCUS on each other and those we love, we made it through.

Annie Clark, who just opened a wonderful studio in Wilton CT, Hello Yoga, made a point in class today that if you are having the worst moment in the world, This too shall pass. If you are having the BEST moment, This too shall pass. That resonated with me because I have had a bit of both this summer. I survived the tough stuff (Irene included) and relished the wonderful things. (rice cooker on the beach- M:))

Blessings to all of you. Thank you to A, X, M, Rwambos, Trax's, W's and K's, new friend miss meg- and of course M and D for one of the best summers I have had in a long time.

All you runners out there- or people who just love music- check out my sister Rebecca's new blog:
runningwithmusic.blogspot.com

Broken, yet.....Not

It is only by embracing our fragility that we discover our true strength. -Me

I have been obsessed with Akhilandeshvari for the last few weeks. She is the Goddess who is Never not Broken. Basically she represents lying in a heap on the floor. She also represents the potential for what comes after you pick yourself up, dust yourself off dry your tears and rebuild whatever it is you need to rebuild, whether it be a relationship, a career, or even your entire life.

I have made no secret about admiring strong people. I think it is one thing to appear strong and quite another to BE strong. Inner strength appears quietly when all the sound and fury has dissipated to pick up the pieces and move onward. The people I admire in particular are those who have have had everything come crashing down on their heads, either by their own doing or by forces beyond their control. Rather than frantically trying to duct tape their lives back to a semblance of what they know, they discover their vulnerability and allow themselves to surrender to it. They are able to lie broken on the floor and allow themselves to see the authentic truth of their situation.

Then......it is time to get up.

Self delusion is powerful. To avoid pain we can convince ourselves of almost anything. I certainly know I am guilty of this. Why would I acknowledge the truth of what my heart is telling me if my head can talk me into avoiding it? Why not avoid? Placate? Distract? Why not lie to myself (or anyone else for that matter)?

To paraphrase the great Dr. Douglas Brooks, "Secrets without intimacy are destructive. They turn into delusions."

We are born without secrets. We begin collecting them at an early age. I am not talking about the horrific perm you had in middle school, I am talking about the things you hide for a REAL reason. The secrets that weigh you down. These are the things that eventually turn into delusions. Whether it is your own secrets or those of someone you love- how do we avoid this?

Simple. Rather than fighting so hard to hold on to something that will eventually be destructive to yourself or someone else....let go. Tell someone. Tell the person you love the most, or tell a stranger. Tell a therapist or counselor. Make a wise choice in who you tell, but let it OUT. Surrender.....and then lie broken on the floor.

These are obviously my opinions. I just have found that the older I get, the more honestly I would like to live my life. I don't want to try and re-create my earlier years. I have many wonderful memories, but that is what they are, memories. I can lie, and tell myself that it is possible to live as I did in the past, ignoring what my heart tells me NOW, but that is delusional.

The wonderful thing about picking yourself up after embracing your fragility is the vast potential for....anything. It can also be scary as hell. I do know that THIS is where inner strength lives.

This is where one can become The Comeback Kid.

Voluntary Solitary

I am very good at being alone. It is not often that it happens, so when it does, I savor it as fully as I can. It is comparable to taking a small vacation from my daily experience. It usually means me on my bed- reading.

I used to feel guilty about spending my time in what seemed to be a "wasteful" manner. Everyone is out of the house, shouldn't I be doing something more productive? Laundry? Cleaning? Cooking? Re-Arranging furniture? Was it wrong to want to lie down with a book for an hour?

When I became a yoga teacher I felt guilty if I wasn't reading ancient Hindu texts, studying anatomy, reading anything; EVERYTHING to further my studies when I had a moment to spare. My children were very young at the time, so alone time was even rarer than it is now. If everyone was occupied elsewhere, shouldn't I be nose deep in the Bhagavad Gita? 

I know Yoga teachers who read nothing but sacred texts, books ABOUT sacred texts and books about THOSE books. I admit, I am slightly jealous of their admirable focus. I, personally, want to read Entertainment Weekly once in awhile. Does that make me a lesser teacher?

How you spend your alone time, in my opinion, should be a treat. If that means doing the above- fantastic. Sometimes I take great pleasure in reading things that enrich my spirit and challenge my inner being. Sometimes I want to read the New York Times. Sometimes only US magazine will do.  The point is- this is my time to be still. 

Where do you find stillness in your life?

Breaking up is Hard to Do....

Sometimes you need to settle your mind before you can make it up.

Sorry I've been gone for awhile! I needed to take some time to figure a few things. I needed to explore my heart and get out of my head. I also needed to ask myself a few tough questions.

We have all been in relationships that started off mutually fulfilling and eventually change. What happens when a path you are on with someone changes course? Do you fight it? I tell students all of the time that the Universe puts you right where you need to be; it is up to you to figure out what to do once you are there. Perhaps I should practice what I preach.

I had to break up with something. I had been avoiding it for awhile. I kept rationalizing how I felt with my head rather than my heart. I avoided how disconnected and unhappy I was so much that my lower back went out on me during teaching a class. Fortunately the Great Kate was there to work on me so that I was able to walk out un-hunched.

The next day a friend who is a reflexologist worked on my feet and told me I was angry. I told her she was wrong. She cracked one of my toes and I started screaming, "OKAY!!! I am ANGRY! I am tired of this person NOT HEARING ME!!!!! IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!"

Wow...where did that come from?

When I faced my anger and recognized it for what it was, it was easier to address what I was going to do about it.  Here is an idea...communication rather than avoidance. Recognition that the relationship has changed.  Decisions that resonate with what is going on NOW rather than past history. Decisions that are made with the heart and tempered by the head.

I have to repeat this to myself over and over.....

YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE
YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE
YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE

Years ago my sister called me. She was pregnant at the time and living in Boston. She asked how I was doing and I immediately launched into complaining about my life, and how hard everything was and how Alex and Xander were driving me nuts, and blah blah blahblahblahblah.......  She interrupted me. She asked me if I realized that I hadn't asked her about how SHE was doing. She then told me that I had a tendency to not ask more often than not, and she wasn't calling to listen to me bitch all of the time.

I was horrified. Did I do this? Rather than immediately going on the defensive, I HEARD her. This is how she felt. It was valid. She showed me a not so pretty side of myself that I couldn't see. Did I do this with everyone?? Guess what? That phone call changed my life. She didn't ask me to change, tell me to change....she simply made clear how she felt. I made the decision to change based on what she showed me. I am a much happier person (and hopefully a better sister and friend) because of it.

What happens when you share how you feel with someone and they can't hear you? What happens when they are so far down a different path that it seems that they don't care? Again, do you fight for the relationship.....or do you break up?

The person I had anger towards could feel it, no matter what kind of smile I had plastered on my face. We finally talked honestly and I felt all of the ire and grief dissipate. I also communicated that it was time for us to part ways. As hard as that was to say....it was the right thing to do. I care for this person and would never want there to be issues between us. She is following her heart and it is taking her forward into a new horizon. I need to do the same.

If someone ever starts a conversation with the words, "You need to, You HAVE to, You Should....."

Smile at them and go to a happy place in your head while they yammer on. If someone tells you, "I am upset, sad, unhappy and this is why I feel this way"....listen with your heart AND your head. You may not agree with what is being said, but it will help in deciding what to do about it. We cannot change others, we CAN communicate and decide for ourselves what we are willing to do to stay in the relationship.

Or we can break up and move on down the road.....

Hoarding Bliss

Yesterday I asked my students about how to fill their hearts rather than their heads. We look so often to criticize (usually ourselves) how do we look for joy? How do we recognize Grace? 

I teach every Thursday up in Bedford at the Yoga Loft. There is a wonderful Kundalini class taught by the great Sandra Perlow after my Anusara-Inspired class. Sandra walked in and she was glowing. She was moving with such grace and had a beatific expression on her face, I had to go up to her and tell her how awesome she looked. She smiled and told me that she felt wonderful, that today she had put down all the "stuff" that drags her down and was "unencumbered". I was extremely envious of her students. Just by being in her presence for those few moments, I felt lighter.

One of my all time favorite movies is the Hayley Mills classic, Pollyanna. I can actually hear your eyeballs rolling in their sockets, so I will explain. Years ago, my sister and I were fixated on the old version of The Parent Trap and Pollyanna. For those of you old enough to remember a time where there were only seven television channels and you actually had to GET UP to change the channel, you will remember those Disney family movie specials, preceded by Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Ringing a bell? (if you are over 40-that is) My sister and I were allowed to watch them in our parents bed and it was a VERY big deal. Now in the time of one thousand channels (with very little to watch) I was flipping through the guide (not the actual TV guide-REMEMBER THAT??) with my butt on the couch and came across Pollyanna. I got so excited, I think I actually squealed.

Pollyanna is the daughter of deceased missionaries who comes to live with her cold and domineering spinster aunt. She begins to change the negative vibe of the town, not by mounting a positivity campaign, but by being her own sweet self and thus enabling people to reach for the joy in their lives. If you have just checked out due to sugar-shock, please come back to me; I have a point.

The scene that always resonates with me is when she is talking to the town preacher. He basically goes all Hellfire and Damnation every Sunday, and people hate going to church. They talk about her parents and she mentions a quote her missionary father had engraved on a locket and given her. It is attributed to Abraham Lincoln.

When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will.

I think in this world, this statement pretty much sums up the state if things. I think it also sums up our inner critic to a T. It is universal. So much negativity is literally hurled in our faces all day long. We then treat ourselves to the voice in our heads telling us all the things in our lives that are crap. HELLO, downward spiral.

A lot of the issues I have with organized religion, and this applies to spiritual teachers and yoga teachers (politicians) as well, is the message that if a certain path is not followed, well basically, it sucks to be you. If you question anything, or don't understand, well you are obviously not ready to receive whatever message is being taught. In my mind, the simple joy of reaching for the divine- whatever that means to YOU- is lost in all of the rhetoric, the I'm right and your wrong and negativity in general.

Ten positive comments are wiped out by one negative comment. I can say ten wonderful encouraging things to my students, my husband or my kids, but if I make one negative one- guess which one they are going to remember. 

When I started Anusara training, we were asked to look at a student in a yoga pose, and then help them enhance, correct or do whatever needed to be done to get them into a more healthy form of said pose. The first principle of alignment in Anusara yoga is to open to Grace. This most definitely applies to teaching. I was the first person called. I immediately looked for what was wrong. I then launched into a lengthy explanation of how I would fix the student. My teacher, Ross Rayburn (go see him if he is EVER in your area) smiled at me. I smiled back thinking how awesome I was. He said, "Did you forget something?" Crap, did I? "I don't think so...." I replied. He smiled wider. "Okay, what did I forget?" 

He replied, "The first principle of alignment." 

Eh?

He told me to look at the student again and see everything that was RIGHT rather than wrong. To see what was BEAUTIFUL first. If I critique a student and tell them what they are doing wrong...is that going to help them move forward? If I tell them what is good, and then how to make it even better....is that perhaps a bit more empowering? Duh. This is the student's journey, not mine. I am just the tour guide to help them with the view.

That has been, to this day, the single most important thing I have ever learned as a teacher. I try very hard to apply it to everything in my head and my heart. Should I lie to people? No. Sometimes it isn't easy to find the joy or beauty in what I see or think. I want to fight, argue or just be downright negative.

This is why when I see someone like Sandra, I am happy to bask in her glow. I am not trying to suck her energy like a spiritual vampire, but I appreciate where she is, it lifts me up. It makes me want to turn to a positive place. Perhaps someone will sense that in me. It is not trying to take it all in, or give it all away- that is not beneficial for anyone. But it is recognizable, people DO sense it.

I make no secret of promoting people or studios I find wonderful. An owner once admonished me for this. I loved how my friend Rebekah put it. What is the point of hoarding students? If you create a heart-centered loving environment, people will come and teachers will stay. If you promote things that resonate with you in a positive light, you will get that back in spades. 

When I am in a dark place, I don't fake joy and I don't think anyone else should either. I do think that I reach for whatever can get me through the next breath, whether it is a yoga class, my child's laugh or my friend simply listening to me. I used to close myself off for protection, now I reach for the light. I may not see it, but it is there. 

When there is good energy, reach for it. The negative will always be there. Respect that everyone has their own journey- and guess what, just because it might be different from yours doesn't make it less valid. Someone will always be there to tell you, you are wrong- look for the person who will buoy you UP. (In an authentic way- not just by blowing sunshine up your, well, you get the picture) Be that person for someone else. When you are blessed, pass it on. And pardon my french......tell your inner critic to fuck OFF.

That being said...Namaste...The light in me honors the light in all of you.

Doin' Nothing....which is something....

So i just did a workshop with Kate Bovers Bilby this weekend and all I have to say is WOW. Kate has studied with some amazing teachers and she is so talented in her own right. We work well together as we are so different, but balance each other out.

Rebekah, at the Yoga Loft, organized a mini-retreat for students to practice, rejuvenate, learn about food and our bodies and finally restore. We opened the practice with my segment. My theme centered around how we disguise our needs as wants and vice versa. I, myself, can justify a food craving with ease. I talked about how what nourishes us, might not be what we want. In fact it might be frightening or hard. I realize that chair pose is beneficial for me, but it doesn't mean I want to stay in it for a protracted period of time.

After my segment Health and Wellness coach Jen Dorf and Clinical Psychologist Jill Lankler took over and gave a wonderful talk about food and mood. What we might want, might not be what we need- it might in fact be detrimental to our overall health and well being in general. Each person is unique and we need to discover what our body needs as as it pertains to our own optimal blueprint. There is so much information that is counter-intuitive out there. What resonated with me the most was when Jill suggested we spend at least twenty minutes every day doing NOTHING. When you slow down you can hear more clearly what your body, brain and heart are saying to you.

Kate finished up with an hour and a half of restorative yoga. In a restorative yoga class you hold a supported pose for a long period of time, surrendering to what your body has to say to you. I loved how my student Tanya described it. She called it "decadent".  Each person's experience was their own. Rebekah and I helped Kate adjust to give people complete support with props while Kate (who I am SO blessed to be studying with) performed Reiki on our blissed out students. It was the ultimate expression of "doing nothing".

Sometimes there is the need to compartmentalize our lives. We might be in a place where we need to build walls as a way to keep from coming apart at the seams. We have all been there at one time or another. However, we can't stay compartmentalized forever. If we want to live our lives in truth, that is. When you stop and do nothing....guess what....all that stuff you have buried will be there.

One of the things about a yoga class is that at the end of a class you are given permission to lie still and do nothing. You are in fact, ASKED, to let go of everything and simply exist on your mat. Some people can do this with ease, for most people it is very challenging. Savasana; Corpse Pose, is where we lie on the floor and basically pretend that we are dead. Sounds easy, right? Try it. There is a reason it is, in my mind, it is the hardest pose in yoga. It is the pose where those tucked away thoughts, feelings and desires tend to resurface.

Yoga, practiced regularly, with an open heart and mind will help you navigate your life. Those experiences we compartmentalize or bury can be brought to the surface and faced, perhaps with a little more strength and courage. What nourishes us...primary foods- meaning love, health, family, security, confidence, awareness, etc.......these things can be joyful or painful. We can go great lengths to avoid pain, but sometimes the avoidance prolongs and magnifies it in the end.

I remember the first time I lost it at the end of a yoga class. It was a hip-opening class. I remember it like it was yesterday. I started crying and could not stop. I wasn't sobbing, but somehow the teacher knew. She came over and put my hands on my belly. She covered me up with a blanket and placed her hands on my shoulders and then my forehead. She then let me be. I released something in that 10 minutes of "nothing". I faced it when I walked out the door. It was still hard, but in facing it, it was de-fanged, so to speak.

Find the quiet moments in your life that are YOURS. Do nothing so that you can begin to see more of EVERYTHING. It doesn't have to be in a yoga class, but allow yourself introspection. It will nourish your soul.

Dancing Queens

This past weekend I had a bittersweet reunion with several old friends. Bittersweet because we were getting together to honor the memory of someone we lost to breast cancer. Our friend Dan wrote this:

As many of you have heard, Holly lost her battle with cancer Monday evening. This is terrible news indeed. Pete told me Holly is in a much better place and that she looked so peaceful when she said goodbye. Obviously, none of us thought this was going to happen so quickly, but nonetheless, the event will go on for him and the kids as planned... They still don't know about it, but we'll be telling them when the time is right. Please say a prayer for Pete and the kids as they mourn the sad loss of a wife, mother and friend to all of us. 

Our friend's band, Sweet and Meaty (I'm not making that up) played their transcendental white boy funk at the event. This supergroup has been together in various forms since high school. Many an evening in my twenties was spent in the front row of various clubs dancing like a crazy person to this band. For those of you who have had the privilege of watching me groove, let us just say, it is either funny or horrifying, depending on how many drinks you have had. Let us also say there can be LOT of facial expressions and hair whipping, (depending on how many drinks I have had). You will now I am about to become markedly uninhibited when my shoes come off.

One of my best friends, and fellow groupie, Debra and I went to Holly's event together. It was wonderful to see old friends. It was also extremely sad that it took something like this to bring us together. I had to work the next morning and was a bit preoccupied with leaving early. I was driving, so I was not drinking.

The band started playing and we stood off to the side of the stage getting our groove on in a decidedly reserved (at least for me) fashion. I don't know why, but I felt it was disrespectful to let it all out on the floor. There were many more catch-up conversations, more listening to the band, more reminiscing and more laughter. I decided around midnight I needed to go. I asked Deb to grab her things and we headed up to the stage to say goodbye to the band.

We were about to head out the door, when the band launched into the Rolling Stones. Debra grabbed my purse and threw it on a table next to the stage....and we began to dance. We danced the way we did years ago, with absolute freedom and joy. Back then it was because we were hammered, now we just didn't care what anyone thought. For the next two songs I did my Solid Gold routine and Debra hopped around doing her wax on/wax off jazz/mime hands. There were facial expressions galore.

Afterwards a friend who I don't see very often came running up. I had said hello and chatted with her earlier in the evening. She grabbed me after Deb and I's little display and said, "THERE you are! WHERE have you BEEN?" In other words-why weren't you, well YOU? We are here to dance and be joyful, after all- not just make a donation.

My friend lost her father a short time ago. She was in so much pain, yet she was trying so hard to "keep it together".  I don't often tell people what to do, but I did tell her this: You are not honoring your father if you don't properly grieve for him. Whatever that means......crying, laughing, dancing, etc.

When I pass, I want people to get together and be joyful. I want them to appreciate being ALIVE and savor their blessings. Show more love to those around you. I believe that this is how you honor someone.

Blessings to you all-
Blessings and prayers to Holly's family-Courtney


Holly Grout Broadhead leaves behind her husband Pete and two children, Charles and Lily. If you would like to make a donation to help offset some of the expenses their family has incurred since she had to begin treatment, please contact Dan O'Neill  proneill@yahoo.com.

Playtime

Sorry for not posting for awhile! I am back from vacation and while I was away I was having phone issues. I took this as a sign that I should put my phone AWAY for the length of the vacation and focus on my family and myself in that order. I have to say I feel no guilt in doing so. I was too busy playing.

My parents graciously invited us to stay with them for the week of Easter vacation. The weather was absolutely perfect, I got to spend some time with my family without dashing off to work or the sound and fury of everyday life, and I got to see my dear friend Gray and her family. We found many sharks teeth, logged many hours in the pool and ate wonderful food. Mom and Dad let us sleep in, and took the kids for us so Alex and I could be together alone and I got to go to yoga with my Mom. A blissful week. Oh yes...I also turned forty.

My older son started swim lessons when he was six months old. He was a total pain in the ass to take to the beach. He would crawl into the surf. When he was old enough, he would RUN into the surf, get knocked around by the waves before either Alex or I could drag him out, deposit him in front of his toys, play for one moment, and he was up and running to repeat the entire process. It was lifeguard duty for a determined toddler. It was the same situation in any pool. We had to keep our eyes on him or he would launch himself into the water. This was exhausting and the source of many arguments between Alex and I about who was on Xander duty. All of this changed before his third birthday.

We were swimming in a friend's pool at the end of the summer. This pool was probably built in the 1970's- so the deep end was DEEP. We took our eyes off of Xander for one second and he jumped into twelve feet of water and sank like a stone. I immediately screamed and our friend Paul jumped in right after him and fished our coughing, sputtering son out of the water. I don't know who was more upset, but it didn't matter, he was safe. The problem was while finally acquiring a healthy respect for the water, he also developed an intense fear. It took a few years before he would consider swimming. Our water baby was no more.

Our younger son Max adopted Xander's fear. He listened to us coaxing Xander out into the surf and our pleadings to go under water, that we were RIGHT THERE and he was safe. He watched Xander and decided that if something was too scary for his older brother, than it was definitely too scary for him. Now we have two children who refuse to put their heads under water or venture out into the deep end of the pool. How do we help them recover from their fears?

Last year Xander, at the age of seven, began to swim on his own. He didn't want to miss out on anything that was going on with the other kids. We encouraged him and he began to swim with enough confidence that we could relax a little bit. Max still refused no matter what the incentive.

Before we left for vacation last week, I casually asked Max if he wanted a swimming lesson in Florida. He immediately became hysterical. It took me two hours to fully calm him down. When we got to my parents house, Xander swam happily around the pool. Max barely put his feet in the water.

My husband comes from the Old school German way of teaching- just make him do it...if we throw him in- he will HAVE to swim. Perhaps this might work or a certain type of child, it might also provide a psychologist with a lifelong client. Max kept begging me to play with him in the water. Finally, I did. We didn't do anything too crazy. I didn't push him. Xander was showing off doing cannonballs. Max wanted to play too. He put on a swim belt. He started tenuously floating with it. He puts his arms around a noodle and paddled around a bit in the shallow end.

Days went by and Max started doing more and more. I noticed that the big breakthroughs happened while he was playing with one of us. It wasn't "teaching" it was actual play in the beginning....then Alex and I started throwing some instruction in there disguised as play. It took less than a week for Max to figure out swimming under water. It was beautiful to watch him do it. He learned through playing. It was then I started thinking about all of the best teachers I have ever had- yoga or otherwise. Each one of them brought something playful; something JOYFUL to their teachings. Each one of them made ME want to find the joy in learning- no matter what the subject, and helped me get over my fears. Max got over his fear of the water by finding the joy in playing in it.

Shouldn't there be an element of joy to the things we do all the time? Otherwise- why do we do them? It doesn't have to be a breakthrough moment all of the time....but shouldn't we be able to find the playfulness in our day to day lives? If we take ourselves SO seriously where is the room for joy in creativity? Or humor? Or playfulness? What happens if we take this element away from our kids?

Charlotte Cavanaugh, the Director of my children's pre-school would tell her type A parents (most of us) about the importance of play in the early stages of learning in a child's life. I think that finding this same element as an adult is just as important. Do I mean we should give up all responsibility? Obviously NOT. However, as with all things, there needs to be a balance. You never know what you might discover.

My FIVE year old taught me this this past week.

The Big Four- OHHHH!

So. My birthday is fast approaching and it is a big one. One of my favorite quotes from a movie comes from Postcards from the Edge. Shirley McLean plays Meryl Streep's mother who has some, shall we say, issues with growing older and refers to herself as "middle aged". Meryl's character asks, "Really? How many 120 year old women do you know?

I am now somewhere in the middle. I have been thinking a lot about different points in my life and who I was in those moments. I know when we look back we tend to sentimentalize our youth, which is not always a bad thing, but I have been going straight to the source. I have been re-reading journals I have sporadically kept since I was fourteen. It has been interesting to say the least. It has also been funny, wonderful and downright sad at times.

There are points in my life where I want to go back and shake myself and say, "Remember this clearly!! Enjoy it!! This is going to be a special moment!!" Watching a billion stars under a night sky and telling ghost stories, eating cheese, drinking wine and smoking cigarettes listening to the opera singers sing for tips in Covent Gardens, watching fireworks on Long Island Sound as Alex works up the nerve to propose. There are many of these memories I found it wonderful to relive.

There is also the scared, depressed, lonely girl, who I want to go back and put my arms around, to tell her that it is going to be okay- that she will in fact get through these dark times and and emerge into the light. To hold off self-destruction which as we all know, comes in so many different forms, and not let her be sucked down into a scary place. You will find yoga, which will help you navigate your life.

I want to go back to the entitled person and laugh at her, to tell her that expensive things are nice, but you can't be buried with them. Stuff at the end of the day is stuff. Accept it for what it is. You don't DESERVE these things and if you want to splurge, fine, but never pay more than you can afford and always be grateful for the things you have. Shoes are not a right. (I might be undecided on that one.)

This past weekend I thought I was going to a dinner party at my friend Tina's house. I arrived at the front door, and when it was opened was surprised by many wonderful friends. My sister and her husband were there. There were pictures from my friends and family, as well as a slide show, documenting my life up until this point. There was music, a WHOLE lot of dancing, and perhaps a drink or two. My husband gave a beautiful toast. I had to restrain tears several times throughout the evening, which did not end until 2:30 in the morning.

I am happy to be turning forty. I like myself. I don't look back on my last 40 years with anything like regret. Every breath and heartbeat has lead to this moment. Every mistake, bad decision, unhappy situation, has helped shape who I am now as well as all of the good stuff. I need less. I want more, but what I want isn't "stuff" (except for shoes- that will probably never change). I have friends and family for whom I don't need to be anyone but myself. The parameters and expectations I set for myself as a younger person have dissolved into the illusions that they were. The authentic hopes and dreams are still there.

One of my favorite quotes: "How do you make God Laugh?" Answer: "Tell Him/Her your plans." So hopefully I go forth into the world a little wiser, more open to joy and maybe with a little more Grace.

Thank you to all of you who have helped me get there- especially Xander, Max, Alex, Mom, Dad and Rebe. xxoo

Checking In?

Do you remember when you would meet someone and show them the BEST possible version of yourself? (i.e. the one you thought that they would find the most attractive?) You find yourself saying things such as: "Why yes, I LOVE motorcycles....Oh I agree, The Grateful Dead is the best band on the planet!.....Sure we can go camping instead of staying at a hotel; I LOVE to camp!....A beer tasting? FANTASTIC!....I LOVE hanging out with all of your friends!" My husband told his friends in the beginning of our relationship that I was the coolest girlfriend ever.

My girlfriends in college and our early twenties would begin relationships this way. We would note each others disappearances at the beginning of said couplings. Usually after about three to six months, depending on the guy, we would resurface, emerging from a haze of initial romantic bliss into a more stark reality. Some of these relationships would make it past this point, some would fizzle with lessons learned, some would explode. I myself dated many actors, artists and musicians, thus ensuring fireworks in the beginning, and the inevitable thermonuclear blast at the end. It took me awhile to learn my lesson.

At Noah Maze's workshop last weekend he led a class revolving around commitment. This is a fairly universal theme, however, he quoted yoga teacher Christina Sell during the class and I have been chewing on, and talking about that quote all week long.

"Intimacy Begins When You Want to Leave."- Christina Sell

When a person goes to a yoga class and is presented with a challenging pose, the tendency is to try it and then back off, or write it off because it is not for them. I myself am guilty of this. I will talk myself out of doing really deep backbends more often than not. I tell myself that I am being mindful of an injury, but it is usually my head, not my lower back that is dictating the decision. Fear, Intimacy's opposition.

When we begin a relationship, we get to have the first kiss, the romance of the BEGINNING. I believe that we present more of a two-dimensional version of ourselves and tend to see our new partner in crime the same way. I remember on my batchelorette weekend, one of my best friends was extolling the virtues of her new boyfriend. She was going on and ON, until I finally interrupted and asked if there was anything she DIDN'T love about him. She looked at me like I was absolutely crazy and said,"No! I'm so in love! I HAVE to marry this man!!" They had been dating two months.

Remember the first time you looked at your husband/wife/partner and realized that they were far from perfect? Maybe you wanted to run for the hills, or maybe, just maybe, the inclination was to start seeing them as the multi-faceted person that they are. The good, the bad and the ugly. This is where Intimacy begins. This is where you find true faith, love, understanding. It is when it gets challenging.

The first time I did a headstand for 10 minutes, the first five of those minutes voices in my head were telling me to come down, that I had done enough, that it was too long, etc......The last five minutes were spent finding the nuances of the pose. My focus shifted all around my body, from the top of my head on the floor, to the tips of my toes in the air. I was committed. The relationship changed the minute I decided NOT to run away; it evolved into something new.

This week I led my students through standing poses with vinyasas in between. They were engaged. They felt they knew what to expect. I then put them in Warrior Two for over a minute. I ran around adjusting, taking their front thighs more forward, asking them to lift their upper bodies higher up out of their pelvic girdle, to life their hearts, and BREATHE throughout the entire process. By the end a woman cried out, "OKAY! I want a DIVORCE!!" We all laughed, but the pose for each of them had changed. By staying in, and staying engaged, letting go of doubt and perhaps even fear, their bodies softened a bit and absorbed the experience. Hopefully a little of that will remain every time they do Vira 2. It is a warrior pose after all.

We run away from intimacy when we are scared, unhappy, disconnected, angry. To reclaim it takes work, patience and an acknowledgement that you are checking out. We are not cardboard cutouts. There is a vast universe in each of us, to create intimacy usually means a date with honesty. Intense, sometimes scary stuff.

After all of my "artistic" boyfriends, I needed a change. I started to date Alex because he was very funny and it would be "transitional". My father  LOVED Alex. He wanted to be an advertising executive, he owned his own car, he had a job and a short haircut. He looked like an staid accountant next to my old boyfriends. After the initial glow wore off and I realized we had moved past the transitional phase, things became harder. My dad, fearful of us breaking up, would get upset with me for getting mad at Alex. He was terrified I would go back to dating future members of downtown bands and re-dye my hair.

But we stuck it out. We have always loved each other, but in our crazy day to day lives we sometimes become disconnected. We have to do the work. A solid marriage makes a solid family. He is not perfect, I am ALMOST perfect (hahahahahahaha- far from it), but we forge our connection over and over and evolve into who we are now.

So what do you want to run from? What is worth sticking around for? What friendships, relationships, commitments, yoga poses, etc make you want to hit the high road? I have been asking my self these questions all week long. One thing I do know...

Alex- thanks for sticking around when YOU wanted to check out. (Not that you EVER did)

The Sweetest Thing

I was home all by myself this weekend. As any parent- particularly the at home parent knows, a weekend alone without anyone asking, or dare I say, demanding anything of you is rare. Like a blue moon.....or a unicorn. My family was taking off to visit my parents in Martha's Vineyard and I was going to be spending my Friday and Saturday at Sage Yoga studio in Armonk, NY attending workshops given by Noah Maze.

Now I know that you are all expecting me to wax poetic about my blissful yoga weekend, the opportunity to take off for a long walk in the (hopefully...finally) spring weather, hang out with my yoga geek friends and eat brunch and drink bellinis with a girlfriend. And yes, I will do that. However, the sweetest part of my weekend alone was at the beginning when everyone was getting ready to depart.

I had spent all of Thursday home with my five year old, Max. He woke up early in the morning and proceeded to throw up everywhere in the bathroom except for the toilet. We then spent the rest of the day in bed with occasional breaks to either the bathroom or the laundry room. (I HATE stomach bugs) Friday morning I was exhausted. My husband woke me up and  asked (told) me to pack up the kids. Xander and Max asked (demanded) where various toys and animals were to take on the trip. My husband then asked (demanded) where the dry cleaning was. I explained that taking care of a sick kid was more important than getting his freaking dry cleaning (I also didn't want Max to throw up in the car). "Well that is just GREAT" he then said....I am assuming he was being sarcastic.

At this point I am ready to drop kick everyone out the door and call a locksmith. My older son yells goodbye and races to the car. My younger son looks confused. I kneel down, "What is it Boo?" He says, "Aren't you coming too?" I explain that Mommy has to work and that there is a special teacher in town from whom Mommy wants to learn. He puts his hands on my face and says, "But won't you be lonely?"

Well I wasn't going to be until this happened. This moment of absolute sweetness. The tone of his voice and the concern written all over his little face. My heart was so full it hurt.

I carried that moment for the rest of my solo weekend. It sustained me. When Noah Maze was leading us through amazing workshops with attention to details I am just beginning to process, that moment was present. It embodied the divine sweetness I reach for in my practice.

Now get a bunch of Anusara teachers and practitioners together and you have got one big herd of yoga nerds. We get excited about adjustments, breathing techniques, variations on poses we already know and love and poses that require courage and commitment. We are each others cheerleaders. It was heaven for me being in this group of wonderful people who get as excited as I do about things that make my other friends walk away from me mid-sentence. My friend Kate and I are even getting together to share notes. We get together every week to talk about this stuff, so I guess that makes us EXTRA nerdy. Another yogi, Paula Sue, asked me what notes I was taking. She has just been through the first rounds of teacher training. I explained that when I started teacher training, I tried to write to write down EVERYTHING the teacher said. I was so busy writing that I missed the sweetness of what was being said. I have notebooks full of stuff that doesn't even make a lot of sense because I was trying to copy everything down verbatim.

Now, years later when I go to a teacher of this caliber I do have my trusty notebook handy, but I only write things that resonate authentically to ME. When Noah brought us into some really deep forward bends I GOT what he was trying to convey in my brain AND my body. It was so new, yet so clear, that I wrote down some of what he said and then used it in my own class the following morning. I wasn't trying to be Noah, but his teachings were so amazing that I was able to pass them on in my own voice. There was an incredible sweetness to that, and I think everyone in the class felt it, especially in their hips.
(I did not bring a notebook to Yeah Dave)

There are these amazing moments of kindness, concern and wisdom that need to be passed on. Nobody shows up just "knowing everything". We have teachers. The love and concern my child showed me hopefully reflects the love and concern I showed him the day before when he was throwing up everywhere.

Look for and pass on sweetness. You might provide a light in someone's life without even realizing it. So thank you Noah for passing on your knowledge, and thank you Max for passing on your concern and  love.

Offering, not Owing.

I taught the cutest pair of newlyweds today....I mean married as of this past weekend! She practices yoga and he does not, but he had come to class to be with her. Awwwww! I had a theme set for this morning's class, but I decided to change tack and offer one of my favorite stories instead.

Years ago a few months before I married Alex, my father shared this story with me. When he and my mother were about to wed, they were due to meet with the pastor of my mother's church. My mother is from a small town in Florida where the biggest club in her high school was the Future Farmers of America. She and her family attended a Southern Baptist church. My father was not thrilled to go to this meeting because he assumed the conversation would be filled with fire and brimstone and sin and salvation. My father was young and lately returned from Vietnam. I'm sure what he imagined  he was going to hear was the the last thing on earth he wanted to listen to.

The pastor sat across from my parents and told them that he liked to fish. They looked at each other confused. What did this have to with getting married? The pastor then explained that he liked to fish, but when he went fishing he was gone for most of the day. If he was gone for most of the day his wife might assume that he owes her and she would be then be able to go shopping. If she went shopping, then he would be allowed to barbecue with friends. If he barbecued with friends, then he owed her a dinner with her family. He then looked at my parents and explained this was not how to keep a marriage healthy.

When you love someone and commit to be their partner, it is easy to start keeping score. He got to do this- so I get to do that. She spent x dollars on this, so I get to spend x dollars on THAT. And so on, and so on. Starting a tally that can be used in arguments, figured into resentment, factored into decision making- that is in a word, dangerous. It will simply never be even.

Do you know someone who feels that life owes them something? That there is a sense of entitlement in the way they view the world? These people are most often disappointed. I know because I think I used to be one of them. My idea of my life was based around how I grew up. I assumed I would meet someone, we would buy a house, have three kids, go sailing in the summer, belong to a club, go skiing in the winter, take a vacation once a year to somewhere exotic, blah, blah blah....When my father told me this story, I couldn't process it appropriately, because I hadn't gone through anything at that point in my life that was so hard that it sent me reeling. I had to grow up and rid myself of this sense that I deserved these things, which were in fact, illusory. When you truly grow up, your priorities change. Sometimes it takes awhile. Some people never grow up.

Having been through a few of those things later in life, I now can appreciate the story. I want my husband to do the things he loves. He is very gracious at sending me off to do the things I love. We also have to keep making plans TOGETHER. It is not tit for tat, but it is also not separate lives. Even though we like different things, we are partners. Sometimes it is not easy. Sometimes I look at Alex and my heart is full.....sometimes I feel like he is breathing too loud.

So you have to find the balance. If you love someone this is what we strive for....NOT the equal tally.  A small gesture by a loved one can mean the world when it is given with an open heart. To recognize that your loved one allows you to do the things that enhance your life and make you happy is wonderful, to make offerings back, vital. I don't want to demand appreciation from him for the things I do. Nor do I want to use words like: allow, deserve, owe.... I DO want his respect along with his love. I'm not a doormat either. Love isn't conditional, but it should be mindful.

So if you are lucky enough to find a partner in this wild ride...choose respect, offer love and support. Check in and LISTEN. Don't keep score. To owe means to be indebted, a word that should never be associated with love. If you are in it for the long haul, it is worth the work.

Yeah Dave....Yoga Duuuuuude....

So yesterday I taught a class about judgement. Judgement of others, judgement of ourselves....judging with our hearts, not with our eyes or minds or pre-conceived notions.....blah blah blah....(just kidding, everything I say is VERY deep). Okay- there was a method to my madness because I was basically talking to myself as well as my students because that night I was going to take a class from a teacher who was unknown to me. I have said this before, yoga teachers can be, shall we say, somewhat opinionated about their style of yoga....not me of course.

I am a spoiled brat when it comes to my yoga classes (the ones I take- not the ones I teach.) In the area where I live there is a veritable smorgasbord of yoga classes and top tier teachers...something for everyone. You want to go Iyengar? Bust out the straps, blocks and blankets there is a class for you! Power Yoga? Get ready to sweat! Bikram? Get ready to sweat MORE. Anusara? Ashtanga? Kundalini? We are blessed with options. When I encounter new yoga students and they inevitably ask me which yoga I think that they should try, I tell them to sample everything. Find what resonates, find what feels GOOD, but be mindful. I myself, took a very long and winding path to the yoga I practice and teach today.

Okay, so my dear friend Amy was searching for my blog on Google and she typed in Yoga and Chocolate. Now my little dog and pony show is not going to be the first thing that pops up on Google. Apparently there are a LOT of yogis that love chocolate, and no one loves it more than Yeah Dave. 

David Romanelli is a yoga teacher who has a blog and a book about "Livin the Moment, man" (I added the man) He is all about living life to the fullest, enjoying each moment, and he is very funny. His blog posts are on a variety of subjects from facing your mortality to man boobs. Amy proceeded to read his blog and loved it so much that she bought his book. She then passed it on to me. When Dave announced a yoga workshop for foodies in NYC, Amy bought tickets and invited me as her date. Our friends Karen and Kristen joined us as well. Yoga AND food? yes, please.

Now let me explain, I am picky when it comes to my own practice, but I don't judge anyone else's choices. There is room enough in this big world for everyone. I walked into this evening excited to practice, eat well and laugh with dear friends. Yeah Dave kind of looks like my husband's little brother and he LOVES jam bands, as does my husband. I would rather stick a fork in my eyeball than listen to Phish and when someone asks me what my favorite Grateful Dead song is, my response is always, "The short one." But again, this world would be boring if we all liked the same flavor.

The theme of the class revolved around the fact that we detach ourselves from visceral experience. We are becoming more and more desensitized to things we should be savoring. Modern technology can do everything for us, but it can't FEEL for us. It was interesting hearing about this from a guy who has built his entire business from his blog and facebook, but since you are reading this in MY blog...pot meet kettle. (Hee, Hee) I digress.....Yoga, music and food are wonderful ways to re-connect. 

Great food for me is a FEAST for the senses (literally). The ingredients combined artfully to appear beautiful, the textures in the mouth, the smells and sounds of the food while it is cooking and of course the tastes of different elements of the dishes- spicy, sweet, sour, rich....etc. Anyone who has ever watched me eat knows how much I relish the experience (Yo Alan!). I take forever to put together bites on my plate, and I often close my eyes while chewing. My friends are either highly amused by this or highly annoyed. I never even realized I did this until college. I was dating a guy and we went out to dinner. In the middle of the meal I looked up and he had his fork halfway to his mouth watching me. I asked what he was doing and he explained he was trying to eat slower than I was and it was next to impossible. 

Do you ever hear a song in your car and you are immediately transported in time to a specific moment in your life? Auditory sensory memories are very special. I remember what was playing in the background when I had my first kiss (The Cure) I remember everyone singing impromptu at the last great party of the year before we all went off to college (Led Zeppellin- Hey, Hey What Can I do). A few months ago my brother in law and I drunkenly bought tickets to Broken Bells in Boston. That show with my husband, sister and brother in law was simply in a word, AWESOME. Not just because of the music and singing The High Road along with a couple of thousand people, but because I was sharing the experience with people I love. It is one of my new favorite memories.

Yoga begins in the opening to Grace and the experience, creating a strong foundation by drawing from the inside and then expanding out organically in all directions. When everything lines up it is one of the most visceral, glorious experiences I believe one can have. It is Shri; it is RADIANT. When a teacher makes different offerings, switching up the menu so to speak, for me personally, it is about new experiences to savor. You can feel your breath, give it texture and sound. When you hit a backbend just right, DIVINE.

Dave's class was a Vinyasa Flow class. It was kind of like being taught yoga by Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High- or even better David Wooderson from Dazed and Confused. It was alllll goooood...After opening meditation we started to move. For the first five minutes I was so effing distracted by the woman in front of me. I desperately wanted to get up and adjust her upper back. Seriously, this is what I was thinking about, it was driving me CRAZY. I had to STOP. I started practicing with my eyes closed. When I did this, I was able to go inside my body. I started noticing the smells of the food cooking, the music and sounds of people breathing. I was able to open my eyes and savor my practice. Ahh.....bliss....it's allll gooood......

Do I agree with everything Dave teaches in a class? No. (Never, NEVER push your hips forward in Camel pose, please trust me on this.) I love flow, but I am also an alignment freak. Does that mean I didn't have a great class? No! (You CAN have an integrated vinaysa flow class.) I was not there to judge, I was there to enjoy, so I aligned my body, hugged in and flowed. After the practice, Barbara Sibley, chef/owner of La Palapa presented us with a true feast. we sat on the floor and ate community style. It was fabulous, homemade tortillas, the best guacomole I have ever eaten, sesame mole, cactus, black beans, rice, salsas from heaven, margaritas from the other place (OMG- so good, but damn!) salads, plantains....it just kept coming. It was incredible.

At the end of the night my friends asked me what I had thought of the experience. I smiled and thought, I am in the city with three of my favorite people. I got to practice yoga with them, eat with them, and laugh a LOT with them. I met lovely people (Jamie your jewelry is stunning!!) It is now a memory colored by sensory experience. I will treasure it.

Today I took Dave's class and put an Anusara spin on it. It was lovely. Dave brings people to yoga with honesty and humor. I respect that entirely. When you open your heart and your senses, bliss is there for the taking. 

So thank you Yeah Dave, congrats on your upcoming wedding to your lovely fiance. Savor that day, it is yours and your future brides...no one else's. You don't have to talk to, or entertain everyone (best wedding advice I ever got). 

So trust in the yoga dude......and Just Keep Living... and if you don't know where that quote is from, go right out and get the movie Dazed and Confused, it will explain everything.

Inspired Status

I just came back from a workshop at the Yoga Loft in Bedford. It was taught by my teacher, Bernadette Birney, and was SO COOL to have her teach at my studio. It was even more cool to be surrounded by students, friends and fellow teachers....it was downright INSPIRATIONAL!! I know I am using more caps than usual, but that it how I feel right now. Prepare yourselves.

For those of you who don't know about Anusara, it is a heart-centered yoga taught with the highest intention to align with the divine. It takes an extraordinary amount of time and study to become a certified Anusara instructor. There are less than 400 in the world. One of the steps to becoming an certified instructor is becoming an Anusara Inspired teacher.  It is very intense. I did Anusara teacher training several years ago, and it was so intense for me that I even ran away from it for awhile. I explored other things, but in the end, something kept bringing me back. My journey was that much more valuable to me because I did have doubts and questions. I felt that I didn't fit in. What I finally realized was that it wasn't a question of "fitting in", it was  about me becoming the best and brightest version of ME. Not me trying to talk a certain way, or emulate someone else.

To receive Anusara Inspired status a certified teacher has to come and audit your class. I had been dragging my feet in asking someone to watch my class. I kept telling myself that I was going to get to it eventually, but I think I was avoiding it because the last time someone critiqued my class it did not go so well. In fact, I walked away from that experience doubting my ability to even be a teacher AT ALL. It felt soul-crushing. 

A student of mine came to the workshop (Yo Susie Q!) and afterwards told me it was interesting to see where I came from. I realized I do sometimes use Bernadette-isms, but not because I am trying to sound like her (that would make me sound false, and even worse...like an idiot) but because she inspires me. That is the beautiful thing about this yoga, when you open to grace, there is inspiration EVERYWHERE. All of these students of Bernadette are finding their own voices as teachers. She wants us to be ourselves. She should be very proud of the gifts she has offered all of us to help us on our way to achieving this.

Two Wednesdays ago I felt the dire need to go take a class. As luck would have it, the lovely Rebekah was teaching down the road from my husband's work. (Blackbird Yoga- great studio in Georgetown) I called my long-suffering husband and informed him that I would be dropping the children off at his office in ten minutes. He responded, "What?" at which point I said, "Oh no, I'm losing you....see you in five!" and hung up. I dropped off the kids with my bewildered husband and headed to class.

When I walked in I was delighted to see Bernadette was there taking class too. Rebekah taught a wonderful class with a theme centered around being the Odd Duck. Having often felt like such a duck (or a dork...) I had a great class and walked out feeling sated.

Ok, here is where it gets interesting....the next day at the Loft, Rebekah thanked me profusely for coming. I told her that I should be thanking her for such a wonderful class. She then told me that Bernadette was there taking class so Rebekah could get her Anusara-Inspired status (she got it, btw YAY!) and didn't I know that? Wasn't that why I came? I said, no, I just really wanted to take a great yoga class.....I had no idea that you were being audited! That is so WEIRD and WONDERFUL at the same time!!

I was then inspired to teach a class revolving around the theme that the Universe puts you right where you need to be.  It is up to you to figure out what to do when you are there. Apparently the night before, I needed to be in my friend's class to support her as well as being led through a kick-ass practice. After my class Rebekah told me how much she enjoyed the theme and how I wove it through the practice. I was so filled with inspiration from her saying this that I left and immediately emailed my friend and Anusara certified teacher- the great Karen Rider. Karen had generously offered to audit my class for me months ago. I felt finally ready to take her up on her offer.

One of the reasons I practice the yoga I practice, is the love and support of others. I taught class and afterwards Karen gave me such absolutely lovely feedback. It was positive, it came from the heart and it didn't make me feel diminished (or make me cry). It was inspirational and made me want to be a better teacher. I was thankful for it.

So thank you Bernadette, Karen, Rebekah, Kate and all of my teachers, students and fellow yogis. You all inspire me. You all have beautiful hearts and I am blessed to have you in my life.

Signing off, Courtney Bombeck, Anusara Inspired teacher (pending paperwork:)

No Words

I have to admit I have been struggling for a couple of days to figure out what to write in this blog. Normally I have to restrain myself from sharing perhaps TOO much information. When this happens when I am teaching, I can simply tell the students to breathe. I resist filling the class with words to avoid silence. One of my teachers once told me, "Talk less....Teach...more." For anyone who has ever been to one of my classes, lack of conversation has never been my problem, but what is there to say when there are no words?

I have been following the epic disaster in Japan, as has everyone else. It is devastating to even watch the footage, let alone imagine what it would be like to BE there....have a loved one there....not know if someone you have a connection to is missing. As removed as we are geographically from this situation, it affects us all.

After the news, I felt anything I could say in my classes would be trivial and so was prepared to teach a straightforward, physically challenging class and leave everything up to the breath. Somehow, the words came. I taught a class about daylight savings time, because everyone was still a little off. Somehow that evolved into talking about renewal and shining a light into the dark scary places in your life. Usually such things look a lot less daunting in the light. The monster under the bed is not so big; the bogeyman in the closet not so frightening.

The human spirit is an amazing thing. Even with all of the destruction going on in the world and some of the terror and struggle that follows, the sun will rise in the East, light will shine, good people of all nations will step into help, those who can't will hopefully contribute what they can, whether it is aid or prayers.

As a practicing yogi, one must follow their own path. I try my hardest to turn to the light. I try my hardest to see adversity under the brightest light available to me and move forward. What is always amazing to me is how most people do the same. It is truly wondrous and not a lot can be said about it with words.

It is a language of the heart and spirit.

Bad Day...Good Friend

I was having a tough morning this morning. Everyone has them. Usually it is several things which hit at once creating a perfect storm of anxiety and frustration. I always think it would be easier if one crazy thing could happen a week rather than all at once, yet the universe never seems to comply. It also doesn't help that I am having PMS which is probably TMI- my apologies.

So to set the scene....this morning I woke up early, yet managed miraculously to fall back asleep, thus ensuring I would wake up LATE to get my kids ready for school. The kids were not very receptive to me flying down the stairs with half my clothes on frantically crying, "We are LATE! CLOTHES ON!!!!" and then whirling around like a spastic tornado. They alternatively rolled their eyes at me or flat out ignored me, whipping me into greater heights of frenzy. My husband then called giving me VERY stressful news. While I tried to process this news and get everyone out the door simultaneously, I couldn't find my keys or my shoes. My five year old then asked me, "What is wrong with you?" at which point I burst into tears.

Now both the kids are both looking at me with alarmed expressions. I tearfully ask them to get in the car, and fearful of me losing it further, they go without a word. We go off to school with me chanting like a mantra....Mommy's fine, Mommy's fine, Mommy's FINE......

I get to Starbucks after drop-off, order my coffee and sit down figuring that the caffeine will calm my nerves. Even the baristas are looking at me the way one would look at someone who might be crazy and perhaps it is better to treat said person carefully. I put my headphones in and begin to write out a lesson plan for the afternoon. I am teaching 15 six-year olds for their Daisy Troop meeting. (which was kind of like herding cute little kittens....on speed...fun but exhausting)

My friend walks in who I meet most mornings. She had called earlier to tell me that she didn't have time to sit with me today because she had a spin class she was running to. She says hi quickly and then gets in line to order her coffee. Then she looks at me a little more carefully.

Now normally I am the type to not share my inner turmoil, I am more of the "I'm FINE!! How are YOU??" personality. She gets out of line and comes over and asks, "What's wrong?" Now this is the second time I have been asked this today, once by my child and now by one of my close friends. I don't want to bother her though, so I try not to cry, which results in my face looking like a squashed tomato. She then immediately puts her arms around me for a hug and I do start to cry....in Starbucks.

When I cry, I don't look like my friend Melissa, who looks tragically beautiful. I look like a mess, and I sound like a sheep with a head cold. Suffice it to say, it is not pretty. But it needed to come out, and it did. In Starbucks. I was so mentally exhausted at this point from trying to keep it together, that everything that was bothering me or hurting came flooding out. My friend sat quietly and listened. She hugged me when she felt I needed it.

I then realized with horror that she hadn't gotten her soy latte and she was going to be late for spin class. She told me not to worry about the coffee, she didn't need it. She then said, "I wish there was something I could do other than listen." I responded, "But that is all I needed....a friend to listen to me." She gave me one last hug and left.

I felt drained, but better. I then realized I had forgotten to ask her something about a play date. I was about to text her when I looked up and she was walking back in. Had she forgotten something? She came and sat beside me and said, "I don't want to leave you." When I tried to protest, she told me to shut up. So I did.

I sat with a good friend and it was all I needed to center myself. She gave me this gift. So simple. Quiet listening, empathetic comfort and unconditional friendship. This is what defines true friendship.

I often say that listening is a skill we need to practice every day. To give someone your undivided attention without framing your response to them in your head as they talk requires practice. We want to fix things for the people we love, (or flat out FIX the people we love) but often all that person requires is authentic attention. It is a gift.

So thank you friend....you know who you are.

Transitions and Transformations

Every Tuesday I drive to my yoga class in Darien. On the way, there is a house that posts a countdown to Spring. This past Tuesday I was driving by and focused on the sign- 16 Days Left till Spring!!! Yes! YES! I think we can agree this has been a VERY long winter. Today I noticed the crocuses popping up by my back door. I love the image of new life simmering under the surface. It seems very quiet, but something is about to happen.....

Something is simmering in me. I feel as though things are shifting in areas of my life and it is making me uneasy and excited at the same time. For the better part of the winter I have been letting a physical injury heal. This has made me very restless at times. At other times I believe it is the universe's way of telling me to tend to my inner self. So I practiced clearing my head and taking a good look at the good, bad and the ugly. It has been interesting to say the least.

In yoga there is Jnana Shakti, Iccha Shakti and Kriya Shakti. Jnana is knowledge, Iccha is will and Kriya is the resulting action. Basically you know what you need to do, you decide you are actually going to do it, and the you DO it, whether that means making a major change in your life, or simply not eating your children's Valentines candy (oops).

Transitions are not always easy, in fact sometimes they downright suck. A curveball comes out of nowhere and you have to deal. People change, loved ones disappoint, SHIT HAPPENS. We can become disenchanted with aspects of our lives, big or small.

Disenchantment, whether it is a minor disappointment or a major shock, is the signal that things are moving into transition in our lives.
William Throsby Bridges

When I examined what I thought was a major disappointment in my own life, I came to realize that it was in fact an opportunity. A very nerve-wracking opportunity, but an opportunity nonetheless. Now I need to do something about it. The hard part-Transformation.  


I tell people in class that they should be proud when they fall rather than disappointed or frustrated. There is beauty and transformation in the effort. To try a pose that intimidates you is in a word, scary. To leave a situation or end a relationship that is familiar, but has transitioned into a place where you are not happy or fulfilled, downright terrifying. But how can you ever transform yourself if you don't take an active part in your own fate? 


When we were first trying to buy a house, we had a certain amount of money we could spend and I looked at EVERYTHING in our price range. It was quite depressing to say the least.  My mother would accompany me on viewings as my husband was traveling quite a bit. We bid on and lost two houses. After losing the second house and crying hysterically to my mom, she calmly told me "Everything happens for a reason." She kept saying it. In my head I was responding, "SHUT UP!!!".  But she was right. We found our house, our town and made wonderful friends. An opportunity arose in a town we wouldn't normally have chosen and now we couldn't imagine leaving, but if fate stepped in today, who knows what would happen? (No, we are not moving.)

I now realize what I thought would be a terrifying change is actually a relief. I will make decisions with an open heart rather that through fear of the unknown. I will challenge myself to take risks rather than relying on safe choices.

And I WILL NOT eat the kids Easter candy.