Sunday, November 20, 2011

Living Thanks

I was cleaning  my desk off the other day and had an accident. I don't know how it is in your house, but in mine the phone tends to never be on the cradle. I have found it in various places; in the basement on top of the washing machine, outside, in the garage and my personal favorite...in the refrigerator. Regardless, I was placing the phone in it's proper place and dropped it onto my computer. The screen itself did not shatter BUT the LCD display behind the actual plastic screen manifested a large crack.

Crap.

I rebooted the computer to no avail. The screen was toast and I made an appointment at the Mac store. I called my husband for reassurance that we had bought the protection warranty. He explained that it covers everything BUT the screen.

Crap!

I then went online to get a rough idea of what it was going to cost. According to all of the MacBook Air users who had been through the same trauma, it was not going to be cheap.

CRAP!!

I had lunch with a friend and then drove down to the store to get the bad news. I passed a church and read the notice board outside. I almost got into a car accident. The sign read as follows:

Live your Gratitude


Those three words sucker punched me. Not show your gratitude, or give thanks, but LIVE it. I pondered this all they way to the Apple store, where the nice hip young man asked me what happened. By way of explanation I turned on the computer. He took one look at the screen and shook his head. "A phone did this?" he asked. "Well, you see, I dropped it." I explained. It's not like I threw it. "It will be expensive," he says. "Yes- I know, please just fix it." I then cried about how much it was going to cost in the car.

I passed the notice board again on the way home. Live your gratitude. Those words began to distract me from self-pity. Live your gratitude. I began to think about how turning to Grace involves allowing all of the blessings in your life to empower and shape you as a person. How living in gratitude helps when crappy things happen. Accepting that they do in fact happen, but by embodying the blessings, there is a source of inner strength that dulls the edge of whatever pain one might be feeling.

I have this guilt complex where I get upset about things in my life that suck and over which I have no control. I then ruminate on how silly it is to feel sorry for myself when there are people all over the world who have it SO much worse than I do. So I try to suppress that anger or frustration which usually culminates in tears or anger followed by more guilt. I know guilt is a useless emotion, but that knowledge doesn't stop me from going there. Guilt is not the same as true frustration or sadness.

I have taught every single class with that theme leading up to Thanksgiving: Live your gratitude. Don't count your blessings, EMBODY them. Don't feel guilt for honest emotion- allow the strength of the Grace in your life to carry you through pain large and small. That strength will radiate.

I went to pick up my computer. The parts and service turned out to be free. I hugged the technician "Thank you SO MUCH! Happy Thanksgiving!!" A small unexpected blessing I am so grateful for and hope to embody and pass on to someone else.

Happy Thanksgiving. I am grateful for all of the amazing people in my life. I hope to express my gratitude by living it.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Friendsgiving

Yes- this was a marketing term coined last year or so to promote something somewhere and a colloquialism was born. I was having lunch with three of my besties today and got into a conversation about the holidays.  My friend Amy celebrates Christmas AND Thanksgiving at her house in one go because everyone is coming in from a different direction. For several days she hosts 20 people. Yes- you read that right....20, 20+ if you count the teenagers more than once. (I remember myself at that age.)

I started thinking about my own holiday experiences over the years, and how even though we drove each other nuts sometimes, how much I miss it. We have lost most of my immediate family members over the years and even though I do get to spend time with my parents, sister, brother-in-law and nieces- we no longer have that big family gathering.

I remember the Thanksgiving before I got married surrounded by many family members. My grandmother had brought me my mother's wedding dress to try on. I kept telling her that I already had my dress, but she persisted. Finally I told her to make my sister try it on. Her response was, "She's not big enough." I responded, "By big- you mean tall- right?" This conversation came to a head at, of all places, the Thanksgiving table. One of my uncles asked if I was finally going to try the dress on. I said that I told my grandmother Rebecca should try the dress on, but she told me Rebecca wasn't 'big' enough. My grandmother then exclaimed, "I don't think you are fat! I think you are pleasantly plump!" She then turned to my dear fiancee, "Right Alex?"

Awesome.

The funny thing is EVERYONE I know has a story like this. They are usually horrifying at the time, but when looking back, extremely funny. I miss my grandmother terribly. She is the source of many a funny family anecdote.

I was in Alex's office the other day and he was on a call talking about a tagline to go with the "Friendsgiving" concept. As he was talking I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote this:

Friends are the family you get to choose.


At lunch my friends Fatou and Melissa were discussing Thaksgiving. Their families have shared that holiday and Christmas for many years. At some point we were adopted into this fold and celebrate Christmas with them as well. We also do Halloween, New Year's and Memorial day.

I now can again have a large extended family. It consists of people that I might not be technically related to, but have been there for me in the best and worst moments. We sometimes fight as sisters do, we sometimes lend a shoulder to lean on as a favorite aunt would, and we are there for the tears like a mom. We know the good, bad and ugly about each other and choose to love and accept each other anyway. We are blessed, even though we sometimes don't realize it. There are also family anecdotes galore.

I am blessed because I get to spend Thanksgiving with my immediate family. I am blessed because I get to spend Christmas with my other family. So that being said....

"To Margaret!!" (Mel- that was for you)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Lost in Translation

I was talking to a friend of mine about my last post. I don't know if I expressed myself as clearly as I possibly could. I know sometimes I go off on tangents- so perhaps my point got lost. Here are some clarifications:

Having money doesn't make you shallow or unkind, just like NOT having it makes you noble....I know plenty of people with money who are some of the most generous wonderful people out there. If all their money disappeared tomorrow, they would still be the same awesome human beings. You can be gracious or an ass no matter what your financial background is!

The reason I was so annoyed with these women- who were guilty of nothing else but shopping- was that I could identify with them. I recognized a piece of myself in that dressing room that I don't particularly like.  She rears her ugly entitled head once in a while and even though I don't like her much- she's in there. She confuses wants with needs on occasion and when I was screaming at the shoppers next to me in my head- I was in reality screaming at her.

I have said it before and I will say it again- what you say in judgement about others doesn't really say a lot about them, but it does say a LOT about you.

Appreciate indulgences- ENJOY them. (especially shoes:)

I own too many shoes (I admit it Alex!!)

And that's all I have to say about that.......

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Lost in the Shoe Department

Recently I had a day off from teaching and it was a beautiful afternoon. I decided instead of doing laundry I would go for a walk outside. (Sorry Alex) So as I had to pay my Saks bill (sorry again, Alex), I decided to take that walk on Greenwich Avenue. I would start at the bottom, enjoy a crepe at Meli Melo and work my way to the top and if I happened to pop in a store just for fun, why not?

After a fabulous solitary lunch with a good book, I made my way up the Avenue. I stopped in Starbucks and used a free drink coupon for the most ridiculously over-priced coffee they sell and overheard a woman talking about the friends and family sale in Scoop- everything 20% off. Hmmmmmm........

Now it is no secret to anyone who knows me that I love well made clothing. I love luxury fabrics. I LOVE a beautiful shoe (I think it is because my feet are always bare). I love obscure designers with interesting points of view- I never miss Project Runway. I am NOT ashamed to admit this.  I have champagne tastes and a beer budget- so thank goodness for consignment stores, final sales and ebay. So it couldn't hurt to stop in Scoop. Trying on is free!! Off I went to Scoop.

In the store there was a group of women shopping together. Each of them was carrying a handbag that cost more than my mortgage payment. I am not a class warrior, but these women were getting on my nerves in a BIG way. It wasn't the fact that they were obviously not worried about finances, it was the way they kept walking around grabbing things in a proprietary yet bored fashion. A nanny was chasing one of their children around the store. I was looking at a beautiful sweater and I heard a voice behind me say, "Oh, excuse me, are you just looking at that or are you going to try it on?" I turned around to a very thin blondish woman carrying a mortgage payment on her arm and a slightly annoyed expression on her face. Well I wasn't going to before, but I sure as HELL was going to try it on now. Never mind that it cost four weeks salary. 

So here I am in a dressing room next to this bitch posse who have half of the staff at their beck and call trying on a sweater I can't afford while I listen to them loudly ask each other if this dress makes them look fat- or do you think they make this in a smaller size? One woman in particular kept talking about what she NEEDED. I NEED a new this that and the OTHER thing. I stood staring at my reflection in the mirror in this beautiful garment. I wanted to start screaming, "YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T NEED ANYTHING YOU HORRIBLE WOMEN- YOU DON"T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT NEED- NEED AND WANT ARE DIFFERENT!! YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY BORED! YOU NEED TO EAT MORE AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN!!!" 

I needed to get out of the dressing room.

I handed the sweater to a nice sales associate. I told her I wouldn't be purchasing it and she could give it to the LOVELY woman in the dressing room next to mine. I then left, continuing my journey up the avenue. I was now in a bad mood. I was going to go in Ralph Lauren to look at a dress I am going to try and convince my husband to buy me for Christmas, but I didn't even feel like walking in the store. What would make me feel better? Shoes always work! And I had to pay my bill at Saks anyways....

So now I am standing in the shoe department. Everything I like looks like something I already own (not that I was going to purchase anything). This is depressing in and of itself as I now think I am just as bad as the women in the Scoop dressing room. I trudge upstairs to pay my bill.

A sales associate I know walks forward and gives me a big hug. She asks how I am doing and I tell her about the women at Scoop and how I feel guilty and what is wrong with me? Am I awful?.... She starts laughing. It is okay to like nice things she tells me, but they are certainly not necessary in life. I smile and think of the first time we met a few years prior. 

It was at the final markdown sale of the season. There was a GORGEOUS Dolce and Gabbana corset dress I was admiring and she asked if I would like to try it on. I looked at the $1400 price tag and said thank you, but no. She smiled and said, "Oh come on, just for fun!" So now I am in dressing room being zipped into this dress. "Oh my gosh...." she says. I look in the mirror. I am suddenly taller and thinner and oh my goodness I HAVE A BUST! She drags me out to the big mirror and a group of women start telling me how fabulous I look. "WHY did you make me try this on????" I wail. "Did you see it was on sale?" she asks. "I can't afford this ON SALE!" "Well let's just see, you might be surprised!" She drags me over to the cash register and explains that the dress was just returned and the sale price wasn't marked- also she can apply the extra 40% off. I stand there waiting to take the dress off- trying not to look at myself in the mirror. I cannot fall in love with this dress. She slowly turns me around and holds me my the shoulders.  "Are you ready for this? $315!" I start yelling and jumping up and down- she is yelling and jumping up and down and then hugs me. 

Now I know this is a LOT of money for me for a dress, but this dress is in a word AWESOME. Happy birthday, Merry Christmas, Valentine's Day, Labor Day, whatever. I am buying it. I then look around and realize that there are many other women waiting who are quite happy to wait and keep telling me that the dress was meant for me and how happy they are. I look at the sales associate and say, but why are you all so excited? She gives me a big happy smile and says, because YOU are. Now the other women are laughing and hugging me too. It was quite the moment.

This dress has since been worn many times. I always feel beautiful in it. I have loaned it out to several friends in need of a spectacular dress for a special occasion. Did I need it? No. I wanted it. I remember all the nice things that were said to me that day and think, THIS is what making a big purchase should feel like. 

The people that annoy me the most tend to be related to the part of myself that identifies with them. I don't like that spoiled child that lives somewhere inside of me. I didn't want to yell at those women, I wanted to yell at her. (Maybe I wanted to yell at them a little bit) 

An artist designs something, a fabric is made, a craftsman brings the work to life. It is something to be appreciated and admired. Yes it is okay to like nice things. Of course there are more important things to worry about in life, but recognizing WANT for what it is. I never want to confuse my lifestyle with my life. I never want my lifestyle to become more important than my life. How can I appreciate these indulgences otherwise? 

This past year I have consigned many pieces of clothing. I have also given away and donated a good third of my closet. I have kept all of the classic well made pieces I will have until I can't wear them anymore (My sister's girls have a hell of a wardrobe coming to them someday). 

Appreciate beauty and craftmanship. Be grateful. Indulge once in a while. Be kind in the dressing room. 

Rules to shop by.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Trust

It has been a life-changing year for me. I turned forty this year, and in this so called milestone point of my life I was given the gift of seeing what I was made of. What I was willing to fight for...and what I was willing to let go. Honest self-examination is not always pretty or easy, but it is absolutely necessary to live in a truthful manner. After spending three days in New Jersey with three other musketeers at the Anusara teacher's intensive I had one of those blinding flashes of revelation.

The theme of the intensive was "The Dharma of Relationships"- which I tried to explain to my dear husband..."in terms of Tantric metaphysics....." at which point he would cut me off "Fantastic! I got to go! Love you!" I lost him at Dharma.....

I thought about what I was truly grateful for...from a heart centered TRUE place. A lot of memories, wonderful ones, came flooding back. There were also lots of tears. Every time I would call Alex going on about how much I loved him he would respond, "What the hell are you guys DOING down there??"

I tell my students all the time that they are stronger than they think they are. They are more open than they think they are. We have a greater capacity for strength and love than we realize, myself included. I have had recurring back problems for the past few years. A lot of this stems from me not being able to put down a burden or let something go. To trust.

During the advanced practice I put my trust in my friend Linda in a deep backbend. Backbends have been challenging for me in recent years. If you think about it...the thoracic spine behind the heart is very inflexible. There is a reason for that. That part of the body protects the heart. If you are in a situation where something comes flying at you, what do you do? You turn around and fold in to protect your heart. To go into a very deep backbend it is necessary to OPEN the heart center and make yourself vulnerable (so to speak). In a deep lunge my friend Linda soothingly instructed me into the pose as every old fear of getting hurt screamed NO in my head. I looked at my hand where I had written "soften". I softened, I listened to her voice, but it took me a few moments to hear what she was saying. When I came out of my momentary haze I heard, "Courtney, that is your foot on the back of your head." I promptly burst into tears.

Now we had been talking about lots of intense serious stuff, but all it took was that touch of my foot to the back of my head to realize that I have finally reached a point where I could let go of the heavy stuff I had been carrying around. I had been so strong for so long I could finally be more open.

When you are willing to go deep and be honest, this is where clarity lives. Life is full of distractions, I can fill up my whole day with them. Some fill up their whole lives. Some end up on reality television. Self-distraction and delusion are powerful things. Self- examination sometimes sounds about as enticing as a colonoscopy. But I can't be one of those people who won't go to the doctor because they are afraid they will hear bad news.

Hopefully I can do the work, day by day, breath by breath, on the mat and off the mat to get to that place where I can trust that it is going to be okay. My strength and open heart will help me navigate my life in an honest way. To quote one of my favorite songs these days.....

"It's not the end of the world, oh no, it's not even the end of the day"