Trust

It has been a life-changing year for me. I turned forty this year, and in this so called milestone point of my life I was given the gift of seeing what I was made of. What I was willing to fight for...and what I was willing to let go. Honest self-examination is not always pretty or easy, but it is absolutely necessary to live in a truthful manner. After spending three days in New Jersey with three other musketeers at the Anusara teacher's intensive I had one of those blinding flashes of revelation.

The theme of the intensive was "The Dharma of Relationships"- which I tried to explain to my dear husband..."in terms of Tantric metaphysics....." at which point he would cut me off "Fantastic! I got to go! Love you!" I lost him at Dharma.....

I thought about what I was truly grateful for...from a heart centered TRUE place. A lot of memories, wonderful ones, came flooding back. There were also lots of tears. Every time I would call Alex going on about how much I loved him he would respond, "What the hell are you guys DOING down there??"

I tell my students all the time that they are stronger than they think they are. They are more open than they think they are. We have a greater capacity for strength and love than we realize, myself included. I have had recurring back problems for the past few years. A lot of this stems from me not being able to put down a burden or let something go. To trust.

During the advanced practice I put my trust in my friend Linda in a deep backbend. Backbends have been challenging for me in recent years. If you think about it...the thoracic spine behind the heart is very inflexible. There is a reason for that. That part of the body protects the heart. If you are in a situation where something comes flying at you, what do you do? You turn around and fold in to protect your heart. To go into a very deep backbend it is necessary to OPEN the heart center and make yourself vulnerable (so to speak). In a deep lunge my friend Linda soothingly instructed me into the pose as every old fear of getting hurt screamed NO in my head. I looked at my hand where I had written "soften". I softened, I listened to her voice, but it took me a few moments to hear what she was saying. When I came out of my momentary haze I heard, "Courtney, that is your foot on the back of your head." I promptly burst into tears.

Now we had been talking about lots of intense serious stuff, but all it took was that touch of my foot to the back of my head to realize that I have finally reached a point where I could let go of the heavy stuff I had been carrying around. I had been so strong for so long I could finally be more open.

When you are willing to go deep and be honest, this is where clarity lives. Life is full of distractions, I can fill up my whole day with them. Some fill up their whole lives. Some end up on reality television. Self-distraction and delusion are powerful things. Self- examination sometimes sounds about as enticing as a colonoscopy. But I can't be one of those people who won't go to the doctor because they are afraid they will hear bad news.

Hopefully I can do the work, day by day, breath by breath, on the mat and off the mat to get to that place where I can trust that it is going to be okay. My strength and open heart will help me navigate my life in an honest way. To quote one of my favorite songs these days.....

"It's not the end of the world, oh no, it's not even the end of the day"