I am off to see the Wizard with the rest of the Anusara community within the tri-state area in October. John Friend, Founder of Anusara Yoga is coming to town and I am lucky enough to be participating in the three day teachers intensive as well as both weekend workshops with him. Did I mention I am slightly terrified?
Okay- I will mention it now.
I am going to be surrounded by much more experienced teachers, including my own, with whom I struggle to consider my peers. In other words, the little voice in my head has been whispering to me. You know THAT voice. The voice that tells you in so many different ways that you are basically not worthy. In my case, the voice has been telling me that my skills are not nearly up to par.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do any of us?
It is good to be humble. It is good to be confident. These are things we must cultivate. If we take things too far, arrogance or insecurity can rear their ugly heads. This is a yoga that is centered in the heart. There is no room for arrogance or fear in the heart.
I told a story to my class the other day about an experience I had at the tender age of twenty-three. I was being taken out to dinner with my co-workers to a fancy steak restaurant frequented by businessmen and mobsters. I was wearing a purple crushed velvet mini dress with black tights and high heeled mary-janes. (give me a break, it was the early nineties) I was finishing up at the office and everyone was waiting for me. I threw on my leopard coat and ran to the bathroom, not bothering to take the coat off because I was in a hurry. When we arrived at the restaurant I was the last to check my coat and walk to the table. I smugly noticed that everyone was looking at me. We sat down and ordered drinks. I got up to go to the ladies room (I drank a LOT of coffee in those days) and again noticed most of the room watching me cross the restaurant. I must look HOT! I thought to myself as I started to strut. I might have even flipped my hair. I arrived at the bathroom and turned to regard the awesomeness that was me in the floor length mirror.
My dress was tucked into my tights. Humbled, yet seeing the humor in the situation, I strutted back across the restaurant, much to the amusement of the other diners. I think of this whenever my head gets too big.
When I feel scared or insecure, I tend to go too far in my head and ignore my heart. How do I turn this back to quiet confidence in what I know and teach and find the humility in the knowledge that I have so much more to discover and learn. Well first principle, dummy. Open to Grace. Again, fear does not live in the heart.
In my mind, it is alright to second guess yourself. It is okay to question. Otherwise you wind up like a certain arrogant person walking around with her dress in her pantyhose. What is the worst that could happen? The first time I met John Friend he was kind, gracious, funny and humble. If he asks me a question, I hope instead of panicking and screaming "Inner Spiral!!!" I will either answer him confidently or say these words.....
"I don't know."
and that is ok:)
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