So THAT happened....

If you are connected to the yoga world and haven't been living in a cave somewhere, you probably know about the Anusara/John Friend scandal. I am not going to revisit the original story which broke in February because A. I don't want to. B. Anyone who has anything to do with Anusara has pretty much made up their mind to resign or stay. C. I don't want to. Let's just say a lot of people's worlds were rocked, friendships affected or even ended and a whole system of yoga was called into question and put under a microscope.

Is this a bad thing? In my humble opinion, no. 

A lot of people in the Western Yoga world want everyone to be nice. They want everyone to be forgiving. Isn't that what yoga is all about? Where was all of this anger and resentment coming from?Yes, JF (John Friend) royally screwed up, but isn't it yogic to forgive and move on? There were a lot of hurt, angry, confused people and total silence from the man who was the catalyst. 

This has happened before in the yoga world. Amrit Desai and the whole Kripalu scandal, Siddha Yoga, pretty much anything that comes out of Bikram's mouth, and various others which you can find dotted all throughout the last hundred years plus. As my friend Annie says, it's going to KEEP happening. We are so determined to put someone on a pedestal and then ask or even BEG for validation so that we feel secure with our own place in the world, hierarchy, WHATEVER- that we just can't help ourselves. And I truly believe that when you put someone in this position, no matter what how good their intentions were in the beginning, it is almost next to impossible for them not to eventually believe in their own hype. And without doing any work to stay on a path that keeps them grounded in the real world, dangerous things can happen. People get hurt. 

I had decided two weeks before the story broke not to go for full certification. My style of yoga is born out of many different traditions. I am a happy mutt and did not wish to commit fully to one school of yoga. I had already searched for validation in the eyes of a former teacher and it did not end well. It took me a while to get over that experience, so I was very sympathetic when others who had done the same thing with JF were initially processing what had happened. I had always been a lokel yokel, if you will. Rarely traveling to JF's events as time, children and expenses did not allow me to do so. I had talked to him personally all of twice. He was a very charismatic guy. I can totally understand why it was easy to get swept up in this tide. 

In my mind, however, the problem is when you dress everything up in "grace" and if you don't see things this way, well something is wrong with YOU. And when the dam broke, people were either enraged or clinging to some semblance of anything to which they had dedicated a big portion of their lives. The Emperor had no clothes and it wasn't pretty. It turns out he was a regular guy who couldn't understand why those people who had supported him for so long and in some cases done some pretty unethical things FOR him would turn on him. 

People process things in different ways. Real emotions and conversations started to happen and it wan't always pretty. There is anger, regret, passive aggression disguised as kindness (but was in fact- just another form of aggression and anger) a lot of holier than thou attitudes and posturing, etc....

I didn't write the blog for awhile. I couldn't. When I started writing, it would come out wrong. Some people don't want to talk about this situation with the greater public, but in my heart I think that this story is important because it doesn't just happen in the yoga world.

So here goes: Yoga is not full of perfect enlightened beings. There are a lot of complicated people in the yoga world, just as there are in any group. If we don't process how we honestly feel, we are denying ourselves the chance to grow and transform. We do not need someone to validate us. If we put someone on a pedestal, eventually that person will disappoint. We cannot change how others think, but we can put information out there that needs to be heard, especially if we feel there is potential for someone to get hurt. The opportunity to learn from others is wonderful, but in doing so it doesn't give us license to give that person "power" over us. Each and every voice matters. Words and actions have power, PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH. Freedom might be scary, but it's a good thing. 

The King is dead....long live the King? Up to us. 

That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. So that happened, now back to work.

Why I EFFING HATE 50 Shades of Grey

I know I'm going to be vilified for this one, and to be honest, I don't care. I hated this book. I hated it with a passion I disguised as sarcasm. Being too "well-read" and snobbish I made fun of it relentlessly at every dinner party, lunch, cocktail do, etc where people were talking about the books. I made fun of the horrific writing, the obstreperous malapert of a lead character (look that one up EL) and ridiculous sex scenes.

As one person said to me, it's just a fantasy Courtney, what is wrong with that? Nothing, if you are talking about the sex or the "romance" aspect of it. (retch) Certain friends argued with me that it was about a woman finding herself, to which I thought, did we read the same book? And don't even get me started on the inner goddess crap. I'm a yoga teacher and I can't stand that term. 

But I digress....

The reason I hated this book SOOOOOOOOOOO much is because it perpetuates a fantasy that people (especially women) have been deluding themselves with for far too long. Ready? It's simple:

If I love him enough - he will change.

Arrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

When I finally read the book I was in bed next to my husband. He was all excited until I kept bursting out laughing. It was not the reaction he was looking for. I love my husband and we have been through very deep waters together. One of the reasons we are still able to navigate our lives together, sometimes successfully, sometimes not so successfully is that we continue to do the work. It is not always easy, in fact sometimes it downright sucks, but I have tried the alternative and it doesn't work.

I can save him.

You cannot change someone, through love, threats, placation, ignoring the problem- WHATEVER. This is the truth. Maybe not as sexy, but the truth. If you think you can, you have a long unhappy road ahead. This is not love. I know because I have tried all of the above techniques at some point. Definition of insanity? Trying the same thing over and over in a different guise and expecting a different result. 

I hate that these books embody this. I hate that we buy into it. It reminds me of those shows where pregnant teens just know that everything will be ok when the baby is born. Or the woman with reservations about getting married, but knows everything will be ok after the wedding. Or the person who puts up with abuse and starts to think that they deserve it. In my mind it all comes back to this crazy destructive fantasy.

If I change, the person I love will want to change too.

My favorite book of all time is Pride and Prejudice. The heroine does not try to win the hero, in fact she thanks he is an ass. She has everything to lose, yet tells him to his face that he is an ass. She comes face to face with her own shortcomings and resolves to change HERSELF. In the meantime the hero does the same work on his end and when they finally come together it is a meeting of the hearts and minds with an acknowledgment that both will have continue to do some work in the future. Pretty revolutionary when you think about when it was written. Also, in my mind, very erotic as well as romantic and not a single kiss exchanged.

Ok- so maybe I reacted a little strongly. Perhaps I am a didactic prig (for you again EL)  But in the end- yes- it is how I feel. In my mind the reasons why we like these types of fantasies are worth examining. 

Unless you were just reading it for the sex, in which case, please disregard the above post.

music to listen to when you are pretending to be dead.

To me Savasana (corpse pose) is the hardest pose in yoga. For the last sixty-plus minutes I have been weaving breath and movement, creating a moving meditation and now I have to let all of that go? I have to let everything go? I have to still my mind? No problem. I will just lie here and relax. Here I am, relaxing. Hmmmm, what time was I supposed to pick up the kids? No wait- screw that- I'm relaxing.....right now. Yes, relaxation is good. After I pick them up I'm going to have to figure out dinner, what does everyone want? What does anyone what? What do I want? I would like ice cream- that salted caramel flavor we had the other night...did they add the caramel in at the....WAIT I'm not supposed to be thinking about anything. Okay, clear the mind, or at least deep thoughts.....deep thoughts...like on Saturday Night Live....with Jack Handy....who was Jack Handy? STOP THINKING. I bet that woman next to me has a clear head, she's a teacher too, she's probably better at clearing her head, because I obviously can't seem to....ok....stop...really...NOW I'm going to relax....I REALLY need to do laundry....

The above is a sample of an internal conversation I might be having with myself during savasana.

So what does this have to do with music?

One of my students, Miss Suzie Q- loves a song I play in savasana sometimes. The first time I played it she came up to me after class and wanted to know what the song was. I asked her if she liked it. "Liked it? I was running through a field with my kids! It was joyous!" It transported her somewhere. Out of her head and away from her laundry lists.

Some yogis want silence in savasana. And I don't always play music, sometimes silence is golden. But when I do like to play music in rest pose- here are some of my favorites:

With this Love- Peter Gabriel
Memory Gospel- Moby
First Light- Adam Hurst
Devi Prayer- Craig Pruess and Ananda
Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley
Quartet in C-Sharp Minor- Michael Kamen
An Ending- Brian Eno
Building the Barn-Maurice Jarre (Suzy's song)
Resolution- Windy and Carl
A Light Change- Grouper
balloons- Todd Banks
Spiegel im Spiegel- Alexander Malter

These are just a few of the songs I sometimes play while people are resting in savasana. These songs also happen to be the ones most asked about after class. Enjoy.

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE POSTED ON MY NEW BLOG- IT WILL BE THERE AS WELL: coolyogamusic.blogspot.com I WILL BE RESUMING POSTS ON THIS BLOG AFTER A LONG HIATUS THIS WEEK! xxoo

The Company You Keep....

I was cooking last weekend for friends at my home. I LOVE to cook and cooking for friends is absolutely one of my most favorite things to do. I used to cook for a living, but once I started having babies, working weekends and evenings was no longer in the cards. So now I am content to cook at home for family and friends. I have a dear friend Maria who trained and worked as a chef and occasionally she and I will plan an extravagant dinner just to dust off old skills and play ideas off of each other.

At this particular dinner party I had two of my dear friends Brian Lewis and his lovely wife Dana.  My friend Melissa (who was coming to dinner) asked me if I was nervous to cook for Brian. The reason being...Brian is a world- class, well known chef about to open his own restaurant. My answer: "No." I then stated, "It's Brian."

Now the reason I say this is because Brian is in a word, gracious. He has more talent in his little finger than I do in my entire body and he has work experience that is in a word...amazing. (Seriously, look up the dude's bio.) Brian walked into my home thrilled to be there, eager to eat and happy to help.  He loved everything I made, was very complimentary and let me say this, if you are doing a dinner party, it is nice to have a high caliber sous-chef at your side. After we ate, he even helped my husband do the dishes.

When you surround yourself with those who are coming from a place of grace, your life will be much more full. I am not talking about surrounding yourself with sycophants who will agree with everything you say (or compliment everything you cook). I am talking about people who see the beauty and flavor in things rather than looking to criticize.

Whether I am cooking for a top chef or teaching an amazing teacher, I have to realize that their own experience will be colored not just by what I bring to the table (or the mat), but by what their own attitude is towards the offering. Passion for what we love and experience should come from a heartfelt place.

If you you walk in expecting grace, you usually won't be disappointed. If you surround yourself with others who feel the same way, that grace radiates. Brian sent me a text the next day telling me that I shined. I have carried that compliment with me for days and even talked about it in meditation. That compliment came from an authentic heartfelt place and I felt it. I have been more conscious of complimenting others from a heartfelt place because of it.

Chef Brian Lewis will be opening his restaurant Elm in New Canaan. The website is here: www.elmrestaurant.com. I am lucky to have Brian's friendship (and Dana's xxoo) not only because he is an amazing chef, but because, he is a gracious friend.

You are the company you keep, so keep good company.

The Blessing in the Conversation (on AND off of the mat)

Since the article which started the firestorm of emotion within the western yoga community, I have been asked quite a bit for my opinion. I think I covered that in the last post, but I have been thinking about the practice OFF of the mat. One of the things I say in class is that we practice embodying heart qualities in HERE so we can take the same qualities out THERE...into the big bad world where life gets messy.

It often happens when someone will come up to me after a class and tell me that the theme I had chosen for that day's class was exactly what they needed to hear. It has certainly happened to me enough times when a teacher has said something that resonated with me so strongly I walked away chewing on it for several days. I think when you come to practice with an open heart, you are more apt to listen and take things in from a place of softness. I listen better, basically to receive whatever is offered in the "Great Conversation" as my friend Loren calls it.

Before I wrote my last post I received a letter from a friend of my Mom's, Abby. Abby is a yoga teacher in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida.  She also went through what I consider the absolute worst thing in the world a human being can experience. Abby lost a child.

I am lucky to spend a week every year visiting my parents and taking classes with the Ponte Vedra Beach Kula. I had known about the accident and was so deeply saddened. I wanted to do something, but felt that it would be presumptuous to reach out to someone I did not know very well. I have a small book with reflections on Grace. I asked my mother to please give it to Abby and tell her that I was thinking of her and her family.

I received this email a few days ago. I was deeply touched and I asked her permission to post it.

Courtney,

Happy New Year! I heard you and the boys had a wonderful time with your parents over the holidays. I wanted to tell you a story about the opening up to grace book you gave me a while back. 

I went to synagogue this week-end with my husband. I was raised Jewish, he Catholic, though we regularly go to synagogue in PV because of our close relationship with the Rabbi there. It is custom during every service that you say a prayer for the deceased. It is called Kaddish and it comes at the end of the service. Another tradition is to say aloud the names of those dear that have passed on. This is relative to the Holocaust, when people no longer were recognized and acknowledged by their names, but by a number. There is no sweeter word, believe me, than to hear the name of your loved one that is no longer here.

Well, before the Kaddish prayer, our Rabbi asks us if anyone would like to read a passage from the prayer book that we use. There are about 12 prayers reflecting on passing, love lost, etc...
I ALWAYS carry my book with me from you, so I asked to read one of the passages. It was the following:


None of us is exempt from sorrow, hardships, and storms of living. Not the amassing of fortune or friends, or even good deeds exempt us. The most we can wish for is the abundance of grace, the possession of faith in the fundamental goodness of the world, the healing presence and power of love, and the strength of heart and character to handle what will inevitably arrive from time to time to try us.....

 Courtney, thank you for the book. There was a family there with a very fresh grief and they came to me after to tell me how much that passage meant. My Rabbi came and told me how moving it was. I was glad to bring some peace to those that are desperately in need of it.
 
Blessings and love,

 Abby


Yoga means yoke, or union. We are all here to listen better, support one another from a place of grace and loving kindness. We continue this great conversation, giving and receiving authentically and it grows. How you live your life and participate in the conversation, both sharing AND listening is part of the practice. You might fall in class. Hopefully you pick yourself up and continue without letting your ego or fear get in the way and listen to your body and inhale and exhale and move forward. When we fall in life, hopefully yoga helps us do the same off of the mat. Hopefully we are more empowered to support others, in and out of the Kula, when they might need it. 


Thank you, Abby, for allowing me to share this. Thank you for sharing your blessings and contributions to the "conversation" with those in and out of class. You remind me why I practice.

Freakin' out....

So everyone is losing their minds over this New York Times article about how Yoga is bad for you. I myself can remember reading many a New York Times article that references how GOOD yoga is for you. It made me think of similar instances when something was revered as a health revolution only to be told days, months, years later that in fact, it was harmful.

I remember when I started practicing there were two studios within a thirty minute drive from my house. I would plan my valuable babysitting time around a class. I took what I was being taught at face value. It is yoga, it must be good for me! I searched for classes at various gyms, so desperate was I to find a class that also came with childcare. I LOVED going to class. I CRAVED going to class. If you asked me then what the reason was, I don't think I could have honestly answered because it was not something I could put into words. It was a feeling. In the beginning of my studentship I knew I was in the right place, I just couldn't articulate the WHY. It wasn't ego driven, because, let's face it, I felt like a newborn colt doing most poses. I fell A LOT.

It was when I discovered the powerful Ashtanga Yoga that I lost my mind. I started going five times a week and practicing every day. I was voracious in my approach to asana. I flung myself into the practice without a thought. Was this my teacher's fault? NO. I let my ego-driven pursuit of the perfect posture take over. I lost sight of the original why. I was a terrible listener, both to my teachers and my own body. I was also very annoying. I would bother anyone talking about the miracle of Yoga. I was going a million miles an hour. I was so desperate for a class one day that I took an Anusara class. A type of Yoga I had never even heard of. The lovely teacher kept coming back to me trying to help me put my body in more gracious alignment. I hated it. (She probably wasn't that thrilled with me either...) I kept thinking, what is it going to take to keep this woman away from me so I can practice???? I'm never coming back to this teacher again!

Well, one pregnancy and broken arm later, (neither of which were caused by yoga) I found myself back in class. Back in Anusara class. I figured it would be an okay place to be until I could get strong enough to go back to my "regular" practice. Then something unexpected happened.

I remembered the WHY.

I simply felt I needed to be there. I began listening again with my heart. I know that sounds ridiculously cheesy, but it was true. My ego simmered down and I started to realize the importance not only of the quality of the teacher, but the quality of the studentship. I needed to mature into this practice rather than tackle it. There was also such a powerful feeling of love and support coming from all sides.

My ego would rear her ugly head and I would try other things, but I kept coming back. By now there were at least twenty studios within a short drive from my house. Yoga had exploded. Also, becoming a Yoga teacher became something very attractive to many people. Myself included. I won't bore you with that journey (maybe it is too late for that) but suffice it too say after many hundreds, nay, thousands of hours spent training, teaching and learning, I still feel the need to keep learning and refining. I have a very patient loving teacher who observes and empowers me to refine my own skills. She has an incredible background in anatomy, therapeutics and has had access to many amazing teachers and the gifts they have to offer. She now shares them with me. (Shout out Kate!)

So I guess what I am saying is that like ANYTHING in life a yoga practice should be mindful, not mindless. Research and know the background of your teacher. Tell your ego to shut the HELL up. Listen to your heart and what your body is telling you. A good teacher will not ask you to do something you are not ready to do. A great student will listen.

I wrote an article awhile back about a vinyasa class I took where I had to close my eyes because the woman in front of me was driving me crazy with her shoulder placement. One of the points of that post was that you CAN get hurt in a yoga class. I wanted to grab that woman afterwards and plead with her to go to a class that emphasizes alignment, if only to spare her the pain of any injury borne out of her practice. What I realize when I want to do this is that I want to go back in time and plead with myself.

I would not have listened.

It took time for me to realize that what I call the "disco" poses in yoga are cool and fun to try, but not what is in the majority of my practice. I need to be mature and heart centered in every pose. As a teacher, my job is to keep my students safe on their journey. I have had on rare occasion a student walk out because they thought the class "wasn't hard enough" or I wouldn't let them come into a pose. This is okay. I gracefully wave goodbye to them and wish them luck on their journey. In a way I am waving goodbye to that earlier version of myself.

Oh and that teacher who so annoyed me.......my arm is around her in the group shot of Anusara lovelies. She is now a very important teacher and influence in my life. (Shout out Bernie, Happy Birthday gorgeous!!)

Soft Heart, Sharp Mind, Vibrant Body

New Beginnings

My theme for this year is a single word.

Soften

It can be applied to many things in life. Recognizing how strong I am, physically and mentally, but also allowing vulnerability. Taking all of the stuff that drives me crazy out of my head and putting it in my heart so that I can approach it from a softer place of loving kindness.

Remembering to breathe.

Living my truth rather than speaking it.

Recognizing the beauty and grace in the world by simply taking the time to look.

I wish everyone a beautiful year.

Blessings, Courtney