Sunday, August 19, 2012

Why I EFFING HATE 50 Shades of Grey

I know I'm going to be vilified for this one, and to be honest, I don't care. I hated this book. I hated it with a passion I disguised as sarcasm. Being too "well-read" and snobbish I made fun of it relentlessly at every dinner party, lunch, cocktail do, etc where people were talking about the books. I made fun of the horrific writing, the obstreperous malapert of a lead character (look that one up EL) and ridiculous sex scenes.

As one person said to me, it's just a fantasy Courtney, what is wrong with that? Nothing, if you are talking about the sex or the "romance" aspect of it. (retch) Certain friends argued with me that it was about a woman finding herself, to which I thought, did we read the same book? And don't even get me started on the inner goddess crap. I'm a yoga teacher and I can't stand that term. 

But I digress....

The reason I hated this book SOOOOOOOOOOO much is because it perpetuates a fantasy that people (especially women) have been deluding themselves with for far too long. Ready? It's simple:

If I love him enough - he will change.

Arrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

When I finally read the book I was in bed next to my husband. He was all excited until I kept bursting out laughing. It was not the reaction he was looking for. I love my husband and we have been through very deep waters together. One of the reasons we are still able to navigate our lives together, sometimes successfully, sometimes not so successfully is that we continue to do the work. It is not always easy, in fact sometimes it downright sucks, but I have tried the alternative and it doesn't work.

I can save him.

You cannot change someone, through love, threats, placation, ignoring the problem- WHATEVER. This is the truth. Maybe not as sexy, but the truth. If you think you can, you have a long unhappy road ahead. This is not love. I know because I have tried all of the above techniques at some point. Definition of insanity? Trying the same thing over and over in a different guise and expecting a different result. 

I hate that these books embody this. I hate that we buy into it. It reminds me of those shows where pregnant teens just know that everything will be ok when the baby is born. Or the woman with reservations about getting married, but knows everything will be ok after the wedding. Or the person who puts up with abuse and starts to think that they deserve it. In my mind it all comes back to this crazy destructive fantasy.

If I change, the person I love will want to change too.

My favorite book of all time is Pride and Prejudice. The heroine does not try to win the hero, in fact she thanks he is an ass. She has everything to lose, yet tells him to his face that he is an ass. She comes face to face with her own shortcomings and resolves to change HERSELF. In the meantime the hero does the same work on his end and when they finally come together it is a meeting of the hearts and minds with an acknowledgment that both will have continue to do some work in the future. Pretty revolutionary when you think about when it was written. Also, in my mind, very erotic as well as romantic and not a single kiss exchanged.


Ok- so maybe I reacted a little strongly. Perhaps I am a didactic prig (for you again EL)  But in the end- yes- it is how I feel. In my mind the reasons why we like these types of fantasies are worth examining. 

Unless you were just reading it for the sex, in which case, please disregard the above post.


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