So. My birthday is fast approaching and it is a big one. One of my favorite quotes from a movie comes from Postcards from the Edge. Shirley McLean plays Meryl Streep's mother who has some, shall we say, issues with growing older and refers to herself as "middle aged". Meryl's character asks, "Really? How many 120 year old women do you know?
I am now somewhere in the middle. I have been thinking a lot about different points in my life and who I was in those moments. I know when we look back we tend to sentimentalize our youth, which is not always a bad thing, but I have been going straight to the source. I have been re-reading journals I have sporadically kept since I was fourteen. It has been interesting to say the least. It has also been funny, wonderful and downright sad at times.
There are points in my life where I want to go back and shake myself and say, "Remember this clearly!! Enjoy it!! This is going to be a special moment!!" Watching a billion stars under a night sky and telling ghost stories, eating cheese, drinking wine and smoking cigarettes listening to the opera singers sing for tips in Covent Gardens, watching fireworks on Long Island Sound as Alex works up the nerve to propose. There are many of these memories I found it wonderful to relive.
There is also the scared, depressed, lonely girl, who I want to go back and put my arms around, to tell her that it is going to be okay- that she will in fact get through these dark times and and emerge into the light. To hold off self-destruction which as we all know, comes in so many different forms, and not let her be sucked down into a scary place. You will find yoga, which will help you navigate your life.
I want to go back to the entitled person and laugh at her, to tell her that expensive things are nice, but you can't be buried with them. Stuff at the end of the day is stuff. Accept it for what it is. You don't DESERVE these things and if you want to splurge, fine, but never pay more than you can afford and always be grateful for the things you have. Shoes are not a right. (I might be undecided on that one.)
This past weekend I thought I was going to a dinner party at my friend Tina's house. I arrived at the front door, and when it was opened was surprised by many wonderful friends. My sister and her husband were there. There were pictures from my friends and family, as well as a slide show, documenting my life up until this point. There was music, a WHOLE lot of dancing, and perhaps a drink or two. My husband gave a beautiful toast. I had to restrain tears several times throughout the evening, which did not end until 2:30 in the morning.
I am happy to be turning forty. I like myself. I don't look back on my last 40 years with anything like regret. Every breath and heartbeat has lead to this moment. Every mistake, bad decision, unhappy situation, has helped shape who I am now as well as all of the good stuff. I need less. I want more, but what I want isn't "stuff" (except for shoes- that will probably never change). I have friends and family for whom I don't need to be anyone but myself. The parameters and expectations I set for myself as a younger person have dissolved into the illusions that they were. The authentic hopes and dreams are still there.
One of my favorite quotes: "How do you make God Laugh?" Answer: "Tell Him/Her your plans." So hopefully I go forth into the world a little wiser, more open to joy and maybe with a little more Grace.
Thank you to all of you who have helped me get there- especially Xander, Max, Alex, Mom, Dad and Rebe. xxoo
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