Checking In?

Do you remember when you would meet someone and show them the BEST possible version of yourself? (i.e. the one you thought that they would find the most attractive?) You find yourself saying things such as: "Why yes, I LOVE motorcycles....Oh I agree, The Grateful Dead is the best band on the planet!.....Sure we can go camping instead of staying at a hotel; I LOVE to camp!....A beer tasting? FANTASTIC!....I LOVE hanging out with all of your friends!" My husband told his friends in the beginning of our relationship that I was the coolest girlfriend ever.

My girlfriends in college and our early twenties would begin relationships this way. We would note each others disappearances at the beginning of said couplings. Usually after about three to six months, depending on the guy, we would resurface, emerging from a haze of initial romantic bliss into a more stark reality. Some of these relationships would make it past this point, some would fizzle with lessons learned, some would explode. I myself dated many actors, artists and musicians, thus ensuring fireworks in the beginning, and the inevitable thermonuclear blast at the end. It took me awhile to learn my lesson.

At Noah Maze's workshop last weekend he led a class revolving around commitment. This is a fairly universal theme, however, he quoted yoga teacher Christina Sell during the class and I have been chewing on, and talking about that quote all week long.

"Intimacy Begins When You Want to Leave."- Christina Sell

When a person goes to a yoga class and is presented with a challenging pose, the tendency is to try it and then back off, or write it off because it is not for them. I myself am guilty of this. I will talk myself out of doing really deep backbends more often than not. I tell myself that I am being mindful of an injury, but it is usually my head, not my lower back that is dictating the decision. Fear, Intimacy's opposition.

When we begin a relationship, we get to have the first kiss, the romance of the BEGINNING. I believe that we present more of a two-dimensional version of ourselves and tend to see our new partner in crime the same way. I remember on my batchelorette weekend, one of my best friends was extolling the virtues of her new boyfriend. She was going on and ON, until I finally interrupted and asked if there was anything she DIDN'T love about him. She looked at me like I was absolutely crazy and said,"No! I'm so in love! I HAVE to marry this man!!" They had been dating two months.

Remember the first time you looked at your husband/wife/partner and realized that they were far from perfect? Maybe you wanted to run for the hills, or maybe, just maybe, the inclination was to start seeing them as the multi-faceted person that they are. The good, the bad and the ugly. This is where Intimacy begins. This is where you find true faith, love, understanding. It is when it gets challenging.

The first time I did a headstand for 10 minutes, the first five of those minutes voices in my head were telling me to come down, that I had done enough, that it was too long, etc......The last five minutes were spent finding the nuances of the pose. My focus shifted all around my body, from the top of my head on the floor, to the tips of my toes in the air. I was committed. The relationship changed the minute I decided NOT to run away; it evolved into something new.

This week I led my students through standing poses with vinyasas in between. They were engaged. They felt they knew what to expect. I then put them in Warrior Two for over a minute. I ran around adjusting, taking their front thighs more forward, asking them to lift their upper bodies higher up out of their pelvic girdle, to life their hearts, and BREATHE throughout the entire process. By the end a woman cried out, "OKAY! I want a DIVORCE!!" We all laughed, but the pose for each of them had changed. By staying in, and staying engaged, letting go of doubt and perhaps even fear, their bodies softened a bit and absorbed the experience. Hopefully a little of that will remain every time they do Vira 2. It is a warrior pose after all.

We run away from intimacy when we are scared, unhappy, disconnected, angry. To reclaim it takes work, patience and an acknowledgement that you are checking out. We are not cardboard cutouts. There is a vast universe in each of us, to create intimacy usually means a date with honesty. Intense, sometimes scary stuff.

After all of my "artistic" boyfriends, I needed a change. I started to date Alex because he was very funny and it would be "transitional". My father  LOVED Alex. He wanted to be an advertising executive, he owned his own car, he had a job and a short haircut. He looked like an staid accountant next to my old boyfriends. After the initial glow wore off and I realized we had moved past the transitional phase, things became harder. My dad, fearful of us breaking up, would get upset with me for getting mad at Alex. He was terrified I would go back to dating future members of downtown bands and re-dye my hair.

But we stuck it out. We have always loved each other, but in our crazy day to day lives we sometimes become disconnected. We have to do the work. A solid marriage makes a solid family. He is not perfect, I am ALMOST perfect (hahahahahahaha- far from it), but we forge our connection over and over and evolve into who we are now.

So what do you want to run from? What is worth sticking around for? What friendships, relationships, commitments, yoga poses, etc make you want to hit the high road? I have been asking my self these questions all week long. One thing I do know...

Alex- thanks for sticking around when YOU wanted to check out. (Not that you EVER did)