Sometimes you need to settle your mind before you can make it up.
Sorry I've been gone for awhile! I needed to take some time to figure a few things. I needed to explore my heart and get out of my head. I also needed to ask myself a few tough questions.
We have all been in relationships that started off mutually fulfilling and eventually change. What happens when a path you are on with someone changes course? Do you fight it? I tell students all of the time that the Universe puts you right where you need to be; it is up to you to figure out what to do once you are there. Perhaps I should practice what I preach.
I had to break up with something. I had been avoiding it for awhile. I kept rationalizing how I felt with my head rather than my heart. I avoided how disconnected and unhappy I was so much that my lower back went out on me during teaching a class. Fortunately the Great Kate was there to work on me so that I was able to walk out un-hunched.
The next day a friend who is a reflexologist worked on my feet and told me I was angry. I told her she was wrong. She cracked one of my toes and I started screaming, "OKAY!!! I am ANGRY! I am tired of this person NOT HEARING ME!!!!! IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!"
Wow...where did that come from?
When I faced my anger and recognized it for what it was, it was easier to address what I was going to do about it. Here is an idea...communication rather than avoidance. Recognition that the relationship has changed. Decisions that resonate with what is going on NOW rather than past history. Decisions that are made with the heart and tempered by the head.
I have to repeat this to myself over and over.....
YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE
YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE
YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE
Years ago my sister called me. She was pregnant at the time and living in Boston. She asked how I was doing and I immediately launched into complaining about my life, and how hard everything was and how Alex and Xander were driving me nuts, and blah blah blahblahblahblah....... She interrupted me. She asked me if I realized that I hadn't asked her about how SHE was doing. She then told me that I had a tendency to not ask more often than not, and she wasn't calling to listen to me bitch all of the time.
I was horrified. Did I do this? Rather than immediately going on the defensive, I HEARD her. This is how she felt. It was valid. She showed me a not so pretty side of myself that I couldn't see. Did I do this with everyone?? Guess what? That phone call changed my life. She didn't ask me to change, tell me to change....she simply made clear how she felt. I made the decision to change based on what she showed me. I am a much happier person (and hopefully a better sister and friend) because of it.
What happens when you share how you feel with someone and they can't hear you? What happens when they are so far down a different path that it seems that they don't care? Again, do you fight for the relationship.....or do you break up?
The person I had anger towards could feel it, no matter what kind of smile I had plastered on my face. We finally talked honestly and I felt all of the ire and grief dissipate. I also communicated that it was time for us to part ways. As hard as that was to say....it was the right thing to do. I care for this person and would never want there to be issues between us. She is following her heart and it is taking her forward into a new horizon. I need to do the same.
If someone ever starts a conversation with the words, "You need to, You HAVE to, You Should....."
Smile at them and go to a happy place in your head while they yammer on. If someone tells you, "I am upset, sad, unhappy and this is why I feel this way"....listen with your heart AND your head. You may not agree with what is being said, but it will help in deciding what to do about it. We cannot change others, we CAN communicate and decide for ourselves what we are willing to do to stay in the relationship.
Or we can break up and move on down the road.....
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