Monday, March 28, 2011

Offering, not Owing.

I taught the cutest pair of newlyweds today....I mean married as of this past weekend! She practices yoga and he does not, but he had come to class to be with her. Awwwww! I had a theme set for this morning's class, but I decided to change tack and offer one of my favorite stories instead.

Years ago a few months before I married Alex, my father shared this story with me. When he and my mother were about to wed, they were due to meet with the pastor of my mother's church. My mother is from a small town in Florida where the biggest club in her high school was the Future Farmers of America. She and her family attended a Southern Baptist church. My father was not thrilled to go to this meeting because he assumed the conversation would be filled with fire and brimstone and sin and salvation. My father was young and lately returned from Vietnam. I'm sure what he imagined  he was going to hear was the the last thing on earth he wanted to listen to.

The pastor sat across from my parents and told them that he liked to fish. They looked at each other confused. What did this have to with getting married? The pastor then explained that he liked to fish, but when he went fishing he was gone for most of the day. If he was gone for most of the day his wife might assume that he owes her and she would be then be able to go shopping. If she went shopping, then he would be allowed to barbecue with friends. If he barbecued with friends, then he owed her a dinner with her family. He then looked at my parents and explained this was not how to keep a marriage healthy.

When you love someone and commit to be their partner, it is easy to start keeping score. He got to do this- so I get to do that. She spent x dollars on this, so I get to spend x dollars on THAT. And so on, and so on. Starting a tally that can be used in arguments, figured into resentment, factored into decision making- that is in a word, dangerous. It will simply never be even.

Do you know someone who feels that life owes them something? That there is a sense of entitlement in the way they view the world? These people are most often disappointed. I know because I think I used to be one of them. My idea of my life was based around how I grew up. I assumed I would meet someone, we would buy a house, have three kids, go sailing in the summer, belong to a club, go skiing in the winter, take a vacation once a year to somewhere exotic, blah, blah blah....When my father told me this story, I couldn't process it appropriately, because I hadn't gone through anything at that point in my life that was so hard that it sent me reeling. I had to grow up and rid myself of this sense that I deserved these things, which were in fact, illusory. When you truly grow up, your priorities change. Sometimes it takes awhile. Some people never grow up.

Having been through a few of those things later in life, I now can appreciate the story. I want my husband to do the things he loves. He is very gracious at sending me off to do the things I love. We also have to keep making plans TOGETHER. It is not tit for tat, but it is also not separate lives. Even though we like different things, we are partners. Sometimes it is not easy. Sometimes I look at Alex and my heart is full.....sometimes I feel like he is breathing too loud.

So you have to find the balance. If you love someone this is what we strive for....NOT the equal tally.  A small gesture by a loved one can mean the world when it is given with an open heart. To recognize that your loved one allows you to do the things that enhance your life and make you happy is wonderful, to make offerings back, vital. I don't want to demand appreciation from him for the things I do. Nor do I want to use words like: allow, deserve, owe.... I DO want his respect along with his love. I'm not a doormat either. Love isn't conditional, but it should be mindful.

So if you are lucky enough to find a partner in this wild ride...choose respect, offer love and support. Check in and LISTEN. Don't keep score. To owe means to be indebted, a word that should never be associated with love. If you are in it for the long haul, it is worth the work.

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