Final Exam

Do you ever have that anxiety dream in which you are in your senior year of college or high school and you have to take one more exam in order to graduate, but you didn't take the class all semester, you don't know where the exam is taking place and you are frantically running around trying to figure out what to do? I sill have that dream occasionally and I wake up and look around and always breathe a sigh of relief when I realize it was indeed, just a dream.

During our forced seclusion due to inclement weather I have taken it upon myself when not trying to pry my children away from video games (see earlier post) to methodically try to sort out the messes in my house. After my sock drawer I tackled my computer. This is when I happened on my final exam for my first Anusara teacher training several years ago. After the first wave of anxiety passed upon finding this document which caused me SO much stress at the time, the instinct to delete subsided and curiosity took its place. I hit print and began to read. Then I decided to take it again.

The basic questions I blew through fairly quickly and then I got to the Philosophy part of the test. The challenge to describe Anusara Yoga to someone with no yoga background stuck out. I remember this question from the first time I took the exam. I think I wrote a two page answer. I imagined if I actually gave that answer to someone who asked about Anusara, how their eyes would begin to glaze over as I went on and on and then they would slowly start to edge away from me. I probably wouldn't have noticed.

When I started teaching I struggled to find my identity. I thought I had to teach a certain way. I thought I had to sound like my teachers who could effortlessly weave complex themes through asana classes. I sounded like an idiot and was not connecting to anyone I was teaching. I took more workshops and became more and more dis-enfanchised with Anusara. I kept trying to fit into the mold I had created in my mind. It wasn't working. I finally remembered something a teacher had said to me, "Don't speak until you have something to say." So I shut up. For six months I led a purely technical class. Then a student said these magic words to me, "Teach the class you want to take". Brilliant.

I found my voice and began to use it. I stepped away from Anusara training, I still felt I couldn't be myself. I still sounded false when I told students to melt their hearts. I still struggled, but I kept coming back to class. I started to meditate on what I loved about Anusara rather than where I felt disconnected.

I went to see John Friend (the founder of Anusara) in Boston for a workshop. To be honest, I did not have any expectations, I went with an open heart and mind. John Friend was not overly technical, he was very funny and kind. He was encouraging in an authentic way. He was basically all of the things I value in a teacher. It is the type of teacher I want to be. It hit me. I don't have to fit into a mold, and I don't think he wants me to. I am going to keep learning, keep moving forward and speak with my own voice, not someone else's. I will work on opening to grace, even when it is hard.

Now when asked about Anusara Yoga, I say this:

Anusara is a alignment focused Yoga. We are trying to line up the mind, and the heart. You should try it.