Big Loser?

Okay, I will admit it. I watch The Biggest Loser. It happened by accident once, and I got sucked into its vortex. Sometimes I will call my friend Melissa when I am watching it and ask, "If I am sitting on the couch, drinking wine and watching The Biggest Loser, does that make me THE biggest loser?" To which she will respond, "Yes." and hang up on me. For all of you who have not seen the show, it is about overweight people who try to lose weight while competing in various idiotic and humiliating challenges that the producers dream up. I could care less about that crap, what drew me into the show was the contestants themselves and their trainers. What fascinates me are these people's "breakthrough" moments.

I remember a class I took years ago when I was an Ashtanga Yoga student. Next to me in a crowded room was a rather large woman. My first thought was that she mush be in the wrong class, my second thought was that there was no WAY she was going to make it through the series. I judged her. I summed her up in my head in less than a minute. Well color me surprised when this woman was doing things in class that I could only DREAM of doing and she was at least ten years older and 50 pounds heavier than I was. Her practice was so beautiful, I couldn't focus on my own. I wanted to grab some popcorn and watch her. At the time I was terrified of doing headstands in the middle of the room. She lifted into a headstand easily and then proceeded to put her legs in Lotus position. With her eyes closed.

After class I felt the need to tell her how much I admired her practice. She smiled and thanked me. I then blurted out, "I can't do headstands in the middle of the room, I'm too scared." She asked, "Why?" I responded, "Because I might fall." Duh. She then said, "Do you want me to show you how to fall? When you know how to fall down, and it happens a few times, then it becomes a lot less scary."  Learn how to FALL??? I was trying to stay up, not fall down.....and I was scared. I was two years into practicing yoga at this point and six months into practicing Ashtanga. I had pre-conceived notions of what I could do and couldn't do. I looked at this woman who blew every stereotype I had created in my mind of what a yogi should look like and put a toe outside my comfort zone. "Yes, please, I think that would be helpful."

She showed me how to fall. And I did it, heart and mind racing, I fell over. Then she said, "Now go up." And I did. And I stayed up. In the middle of the room. When I came down after a few minutes (that is what it felt like, it was probably thirty seconds, max) I was filled with amazement and joy, I did it, did anyone see that? Wasn't that awesome????? She leaned in and hugged me and said, "See? It was less scary. And next time it will be even less." I thanked her and she left. To this day I remember that class, that moment, with absolute clarity. I did not get her name, which I regret to this day, but she is firmly etched in my consciousness. She was my first BIG breakthrough moment in yoga. Not because I did a headstand in the middle of the room (although that was big) but because my world expanded that day. I could stay in my comfort zone, my own little universe, or I could reach for something that scared me, and be willing to fall down to get it. I could also ask for help. And one of the biggest lessons, I stopped judging so much with my eyes. Everyone is not a neat little package.

On The Biggest Loser, the trainers could give a shit about the game, what they want is for these people to not only lose weight, but understand why they gained the weight in the first place and how to fix it. One of the contestants, named Courtney by the way, who had already lost a lot of weight on her own, was on the treadmill doing sprints. Her trainer told her to crank the treadmill to 12. She widened her eyes and did it, and then she RAN. If I tried to sprint on a treadmill set to 12, I probably would be thrown across the room. This woman has almost two hundred pounds on me and she did it. When the sprint was over, the look on her face was priceless. It was a breakthrough moment! The trainer told all of the contestants to stop listening to the voices in their heads telling them that they couldn't do things. The only way to shut those voices up is to step outside of your comfort zone, outside of whatever patterns you have created for yourself, and be willing to fall down.

One of my favorite things about teaching is watching a student do something for the first time. Something challenging. Something that they don't think they can do. When the moment comes and they go upside down, or into a full backbend, or drop over backwards, or lift up into an arm balance, or WHATEVER, the joy is palpable. I get so excited, I usually have to restrain myself so I don't frighten them or anyone else. The look on someone's face makes them look years younger, and suddenly their world is just a little larger. It is Divine.

The other day in class I was a bit tired after a Valentine's dinner that included some great wine. I went into a headstand in the middle of the room, something I can do now without even really thinking about it, and I fell. I fell safely, I was fine. My teacher smiled and said, "It keeps us humble." It also reminds me of that moment years ago when I learned how to fall, so that I could go up. The memory is bliss.