Playtime

Sorry for not posting for awhile! I am back from vacation and while I was away I was having phone issues. I took this as a sign that I should put my phone AWAY for the length of the vacation and focus on my family and myself in that order. I have to say I feel no guilt in doing so. I was too busy playing.

My parents graciously invited us to stay with them for the week of Easter vacation. The weather was absolutely perfect, I got to spend some time with my family without dashing off to work or the sound and fury of everyday life, and I got to see my dear friend Gray and her family. We found many sharks teeth, logged many hours in the pool and ate wonderful food. Mom and Dad let us sleep in, and took the kids for us so Alex and I could be together alone and I got to go to yoga with my Mom. A blissful week. Oh yes...I also turned forty.

My older son started swim lessons when he was six months old. He was a total pain in the ass to take to the beach. He would crawl into the surf. When he was old enough, he would RUN into the surf, get knocked around by the waves before either Alex or I could drag him out, deposit him in front of his toys, play for one moment, and he was up and running to repeat the entire process. It was lifeguard duty for a determined toddler. It was the same situation in any pool. We had to keep our eyes on him or he would launch himself into the water. This was exhausting and the source of many arguments between Alex and I about who was on Xander duty. All of this changed before his third birthday.

We were swimming in a friend's pool at the end of the summer. This pool was probably built in the 1970's- so the deep end was DEEP. We took our eyes off of Xander for one second and he jumped into twelve feet of water and sank like a stone. I immediately screamed and our friend Paul jumped in right after him and fished our coughing, sputtering son out of the water. I don't know who was more upset, but it didn't matter, he was safe. The problem was while finally acquiring a healthy respect for the water, he also developed an intense fear. It took a few years before he would consider swimming. Our water baby was no more.

Our younger son Max adopted Xander's fear. He listened to us coaxing Xander out into the surf and our pleadings to go under water, that we were RIGHT THERE and he was safe. He watched Xander and decided that if something was too scary for his older brother, than it was definitely too scary for him. Now we have two children who refuse to put their heads under water or venture out into the deep end of the pool. How do we help them recover from their fears?

Last year Xander, at the age of seven, began to swim on his own. He didn't want to miss out on anything that was going on with the other kids. We encouraged him and he began to swim with enough confidence that we could relax a little bit. Max still refused no matter what the incentive.

Before we left for vacation last week, I casually asked Max if he wanted a swimming lesson in Florida. He immediately became hysterical. It took me two hours to fully calm him down. When we got to my parents house, Xander swam happily around the pool. Max barely put his feet in the water.

My husband comes from the Old school German way of teaching- just make him do it...if we throw him in- he will HAVE to swim. Perhaps this might work or a certain type of child, it might also provide a psychologist with a lifelong client. Max kept begging me to play with him in the water. Finally, I did. We didn't do anything too crazy. I didn't push him. Xander was showing off doing cannonballs. Max wanted to play too. He put on a swim belt. He started tenuously floating with it. He puts his arms around a noodle and paddled around a bit in the shallow end.

Days went by and Max started doing more and more. I noticed that the big breakthroughs happened while he was playing with one of us. It wasn't "teaching" it was actual play in the beginning....then Alex and I started throwing some instruction in there disguised as play. It took less than a week for Max to figure out swimming under water. It was beautiful to watch him do it. He learned through playing. It was then I started thinking about all of the best teachers I have ever had- yoga or otherwise. Each one of them brought something playful; something JOYFUL to their teachings. Each one of them made ME want to find the joy in learning- no matter what the subject, and helped me get over my fears. Max got over his fear of the water by finding the joy in playing in it.

Shouldn't there be an element of joy to the things we do all the time? Otherwise- why do we do them? It doesn't have to be a breakthrough moment all of the time....but shouldn't we be able to find the playfulness in our day to day lives? If we take ourselves SO seriously where is the room for joy in creativity? Or humor? Or playfulness? What happens if we take this element away from our kids?

Charlotte Cavanaugh, the Director of my children's pre-school would tell her type A parents (most of us) about the importance of play in the early stages of learning in a child's life. I think that finding this same element as an adult is just as important. Do I mean we should give up all responsibility? Obviously NOT. However, as with all things, there needs to be a balance. You never know what you might discover.

My FIVE year old taught me this this past week.

The Big Four- OHHHH!

So. My birthday is fast approaching and it is a big one. One of my favorite quotes from a movie comes from Postcards from the Edge. Shirley McLean plays Meryl Streep's mother who has some, shall we say, issues with growing older and refers to herself as "middle aged". Meryl's character asks, "Really? How many 120 year old women do you know?

I am now somewhere in the middle. I have been thinking a lot about different points in my life and who I was in those moments. I know when we look back we tend to sentimentalize our youth, which is not always a bad thing, but I have been going straight to the source. I have been re-reading journals I have sporadically kept since I was fourteen. It has been interesting to say the least. It has also been funny, wonderful and downright sad at times.

There are points in my life where I want to go back and shake myself and say, "Remember this clearly!! Enjoy it!! This is going to be a special moment!!" Watching a billion stars under a night sky and telling ghost stories, eating cheese, drinking wine and smoking cigarettes listening to the opera singers sing for tips in Covent Gardens, watching fireworks on Long Island Sound as Alex works up the nerve to propose. There are many of these memories I found it wonderful to relive.

There is also the scared, depressed, lonely girl, who I want to go back and put my arms around, to tell her that it is going to be okay- that she will in fact get through these dark times and and emerge into the light. To hold off self-destruction which as we all know, comes in so many different forms, and not let her be sucked down into a scary place. You will find yoga, which will help you navigate your life.

I want to go back to the entitled person and laugh at her, to tell her that expensive things are nice, but you can't be buried with them. Stuff at the end of the day is stuff. Accept it for what it is. You don't DESERVE these things and if you want to splurge, fine, but never pay more than you can afford and always be grateful for the things you have. Shoes are not a right. (I might be undecided on that one.)

This past weekend I thought I was going to a dinner party at my friend Tina's house. I arrived at the front door, and when it was opened was surprised by many wonderful friends. My sister and her husband were there. There were pictures from my friends and family, as well as a slide show, documenting my life up until this point. There was music, a WHOLE lot of dancing, and perhaps a drink or two. My husband gave a beautiful toast. I had to restrain tears several times throughout the evening, which did not end until 2:30 in the morning.

I am happy to be turning forty. I like myself. I don't look back on my last 40 years with anything like regret. Every breath and heartbeat has lead to this moment. Every mistake, bad decision, unhappy situation, has helped shape who I am now as well as all of the good stuff. I need less. I want more, but what I want isn't "stuff" (except for shoes- that will probably never change). I have friends and family for whom I don't need to be anyone but myself. The parameters and expectations I set for myself as a younger person have dissolved into the illusions that they were. The authentic hopes and dreams are still there.

One of my favorite quotes: "How do you make God Laugh?" Answer: "Tell Him/Her your plans." So hopefully I go forth into the world a little wiser, more open to joy and maybe with a little more Grace.

Thank you to all of you who have helped me get there- especially Xander, Max, Alex, Mom, Dad and Rebe. xxoo

Checking In?

Do you remember when you would meet someone and show them the BEST possible version of yourself? (i.e. the one you thought that they would find the most attractive?) You find yourself saying things such as: "Why yes, I LOVE motorcycles....Oh I agree, The Grateful Dead is the best band on the planet!.....Sure we can go camping instead of staying at a hotel; I LOVE to camp!....A beer tasting? FANTASTIC!....I LOVE hanging out with all of your friends!" My husband told his friends in the beginning of our relationship that I was the coolest girlfriend ever.

My girlfriends in college and our early twenties would begin relationships this way. We would note each others disappearances at the beginning of said couplings. Usually after about three to six months, depending on the guy, we would resurface, emerging from a haze of initial romantic bliss into a more stark reality. Some of these relationships would make it past this point, some would fizzle with lessons learned, some would explode. I myself dated many actors, artists and musicians, thus ensuring fireworks in the beginning, and the inevitable thermonuclear blast at the end. It took me awhile to learn my lesson.

At Noah Maze's workshop last weekend he led a class revolving around commitment. This is a fairly universal theme, however, he quoted yoga teacher Christina Sell during the class and I have been chewing on, and talking about that quote all week long.

"Intimacy Begins When You Want to Leave."- Christina Sell

When a person goes to a yoga class and is presented with a challenging pose, the tendency is to try it and then back off, or write it off because it is not for them. I myself am guilty of this. I will talk myself out of doing really deep backbends more often than not. I tell myself that I am being mindful of an injury, but it is usually my head, not my lower back that is dictating the decision. Fear, Intimacy's opposition.

When we begin a relationship, we get to have the first kiss, the romance of the BEGINNING. I believe that we present more of a two-dimensional version of ourselves and tend to see our new partner in crime the same way. I remember on my batchelorette weekend, one of my best friends was extolling the virtues of her new boyfriend. She was going on and ON, until I finally interrupted and asked if there was anything she DIDN'T love about him. She looked at me like I was absolutely crazy and said,"No! I'm so in love! I HAVE to marry this man!!" They had been dating two months.

Remember the first time you looked at your husband/wife/partner and realized that they were far from perfect? Maybe you wanted to run for the hills, or maybe, just maybe, the inclination was to start seeing them as the multi-faceted person that they are. The good, the bad and the ugly. This is where Intimacy begins. This is where you find true faith, love, understanding. It is when it gets challenging.

The first time I did a headstand for 10 minutes, the first five of those minutes voices in my head were telling me to come down, that I had done enough, that it was too long, etc......The last five minutes were spent finding the nuances of the pose. My focus shifted all around my body, from the top of my head on the floor, to the tips of my toes in the air. I was committed. The relationship changed the minute I decided NOT to run away; it evolved into something new.

This week I led my students through standing poses with vinyasas in between. They were engaged. They felt they knew what to expect. I then put them in Warrior Two for over a minute. I ran around adjusting, taking their front thighs more forward, asking them to lift their upper bodies higher up out of their pelvic girdle, to life their hearts, and BREATHE throughout the entire process. By the end a woman cried out, "OKAY! I want a DIVORCE!!" We all laughed, but the pose for each of them had changed. By staying in, and staying engaged, letting go of doubt and perhaps even fear, their bodies softened a bit and absorbed the experience. Hopefully a little of that will remain every time they do Vira 2. It is a warrior pose after all.

We run away from intimacy when we are scared, unhappy, disconnected, angry. To reclaim it takes work, patience and an acknowledgement that you are checking out. We are not cardboard cutouts. There is a vast universe in each of us, to create intimacy usually means a date with honesty. Intense, sometimes scary stuff.

After all of my "artistic" boyfriends, I needed a change. I started to date Alex because he was very funny and it would be "transitional". My father  LOVED Alex. He wanted to be an advertising executive, he owned his own car, he had a job and a short haircut. He looked like an staid accountant next to my old boyfriends. After the initial glow wore off and I realized we had moved past the transitional phase, things became harder. My dad, fearful of us breaking up, would get upset with me for getting mad at Alex. He was terrified I would go back to dating future members of downtown bands and re-dye my hair.

But we stuck it out. We have always loved each other, but in our crazy day to day lives we sometimes become disconnected. We have to do the work. A solid marriage makes a solid family. He is not perfect, I am ALMOST perfect (hahahahahahaha- far from it), but we forge our connection over and over and evolve into who we are now.

So what do you want to run from? What is worth sticking around for? What friendships, relationships, commitments, yoga poses, etc make you want to hit the high road? I have been asking my self these questions all week long. One thing I do know...

Alex- thanks for sticking around when YOU wanted to check out. (Not that you EVER did)

The Sweetest Thing

I was home all by myself this weekend. As any parent- particularly the at home parent knows, a weekend alone without anyone asking, or dare I say, demanding anything of you is rare. Like a blue moon.....or a unicorn. My family was taking off to visit my parents in Martha's Vineyard and I was going to be spending my Friday and Saturday at Sage Yoga studio in Armonk, NY attending workshops given by Noah Maze.

Now I know that you are all expecting me to wax poetic about my blissful yoga weekend, the opportunity to take off for a long walk in the (hopefully...finally) spring weather, hang out with my yoga geek friends and eat brunch and drink bellinis with a girlfriend. And yes, I will do that. However, the sweetest part of my weekend alone was at the beginning when everyone was getting ready to depart.

I had spent all of Thursday home with my five year old, Max. He woke up early in the morning and proceeded to throw up everywhere in the bathroom except for the toilet. We then spent the rest of the day in bed with occasional breaks to either the bathroom or the laundry room. (I HATE stomach bugs) Friday morning I was exhausted. My husband woke me up and  asked (told) me to pack up the kids. Xander and Max asked (demanded) where various toys and animals were to take on the trip. My husband then asked (demanded) where the dry cleaning was. I explained that taking care of a sick kid was more important than getting his freaking dry cleaning (I also didn't want Max to throw up in the car). "Well that is just GREAT" he then said....I am assuming he was being sarcastic.

At this point I am ready to drop kick everyone out the door and call a locksmith. My older son yells goodbye and races to the car. My younger son looks confused. I kneel down, "What is it Boo?" He says, "Aren't you coming too?" I explain that Mommy has to work and that there is a special teacher in town from whom Mommy wants to learn. He puts his hands on my face and says, "But won't you be lonely?"

Well I wasn't going to be until this happened. This moment of absolute sweetness. The tone of his voice and the concern written all over his little face. My heart was so full it hurt.

I carried that moment for the rest of my solo weekend. It sustained me. When Noah Maze was leading us through amazing workshops with attention to details I am just beginning to process, that moment was present. It embodied the divine sweetness I reach for in my practice.

Now get a bunch of Anusara teachers and practitioners together and you have got one big herd of yoga nerds. We get excited about adjustments, breathing techniques, variations on poses we already know and love and poses that require courage and commitment. We are each others cheerleaders. It was heaven for me being in this group of wonderful people who get as excited as I do about things that make my other friends walk away from me mid-sentence. My friend Kate and I are even getting together to share notes. We get together every week to talk about this stuff, so I guess that makes us EXTRA nerdy. Another yogi, Paula Sue, asked me what notes I was taking. She has just been through the first rounds of teacher training. I explained that when I started teacher training, I tried to write to write down EVERYTHING the teacher said. I was so busy writing that I missed the sweetness of what was being said. I have notebooks full of stuff that doesn't even make a lot of sense because I was trying to copy everything down verbatim.

Now, years later when I go to a teacher of this caliber I do have my trusty notebook handy, but I only write things that resonate authentically to ME. When Noah brought us into some really deep forward bends I GOT what he was trying to convey in my brain AND my body. It was so new, yet so clear, that I wrote down some of what he said and then used it in my own class the following morning. I wasn't trying to be Noah, but his teachings were so amazing that I was able to pass them on in my own voice. There was an incredible sweetness to that, and I think everyone in the class felt it, especially in their hips.
(I did not bring a notebook to Yeah Dave)

There are these amazing moments of kindness, concern and wisdom that need to be passed on. Nobody shows up just "knowing everything". We have teachers. The love and concern my child showed me hopefully reflects the love and concern I showed him the day before when he was throwing up everywhere.

Look for and pass on sweetness. You might provide a light in someone's life without even realizing it. So thank you Noah for passing on your knowledge, and thank you Max for passing on your concern and  love.