Broken, yet.....Not

It is only by embracing our fragility that we discover our true strength. -Me

I have been obsessed with Akhilandeshvari for the last few weeks. She is the Goddess who is Never not Broken. Basically she represents lying in a heap on the floor. She also represents the potential for what comes after you pick yourself up, dust yourself off dry your tears and rebuild whatever it is you need to rebuild, whether it be a relationship, a career, or even your entire life.

I have made no secret about admiring strong people. I think it is one thing to appear strong and quite another to BE strong. Inner strength appears quietly when all the sound and fury has dissipated to pick up the pieces and move onward. The people I admire in particular are those who have have had everything come crashing down on their heads, either by their own doing or by forces beyond their control. Rather than frantically trying to duct tape their lives back to a semblance of what they know, they discover their vulnerability and allow themselves to surrender to it. They are able to lie broken on the floor and allow themselves to see the authentic truth of their situation.

Then......it is time to get up.

Self delusion is powerful. To avoid pain we can convince ourselves of almost anything. I certainly know I am guilty of this. Why would I acknowledge the truth of what my heart is telling me if my head can talk me into avoiding it? Why not avoid? Placate? Distract? Why not lie to myself (or anyone else for that matter)?

To paraphrase the great Dr. Douglas Brooks, "Secrets without intimacy are destructive. They turn into delusions."

We are born without secrets. We begin collecting them at an early age. I am not talking about the horrific perm you had in middle school, I am talking about the things you hide for a REAL reason. The secrets that weigh you down. These are the things that eventually turn into delusions. Whether it is your own secrets or those of someone you love- how do we avoid this?

Simple. Rather than fighting so hard to hold on to something that will eventually be destructive to yourself or someone else....let go. Tell someone. Tell the person you love the most, or tell a stranger. Tell a therapist or counselor. Make a wise choice in who you tell, but let it OUT. Surrender.....and then lie broken on the floor.

These are obviously my opinions. I just have found that the older I get, the more honestly I would like to live my life. I don't want to try and re-create my earlier years. I have many wonderful memories, but that is what they are, memories. I can lie, and tell myself that it is possible to live as I did in the past, ignoring what my heart tells me NOW, but that is delusional.

The wonderful thing about picking yourself up after embracing your fragility is the vast potential for....anything. It can also be scary as hell. I do know that THIS is where inner strength lives.

This is where one can become The Comeback Kid.

Voluntary Solitary

I am very good at being alone. It is not often that it happens, so when it does, I savor it as fully as I can. It is comparable to taking a small vacation from my daily experience. It usually means me on my bed- reading.

I used to feel guilty about spending my time in what seemed to be a "wasteful" manner. Everyone is out of the house, shouldn't I be doing something more productive? Laundry? Cleaning? Cooking? Re-Arranging furniture? Was it wrong to want to lie down with a book for an hour?

When I became a yoga teacher I felt guilty if I wasn't reading ancient Hindu texts, studying anatomy, reading anything; EVERYTHING to further my studies when I had a moment to spare. My children were very young at the time, so alone time was even rarer than it is now. If everyone was occupied elsewhere, shouldn't I be nose deep in the Bhagavad Gita? 

I know Yoga teachers who read nothing but sacred texts, books ABOUT sacred texts and books about THOSE books. I admit, I am slightly jealous of their admirable focus. I, personally, want to read Entertainment Weekly once in awhile. Does that make me a lesser teacher?

How you spend your alone time, in my opinion, should be a treat. If that means doing the above- fantastic. Sometimes I take great pleasure in reading things that enrich my spirit and challenge my inner being. Sometimes I want to read the New York Times. Sometimes only US magazine will do.  The point is- this is my time to be still. 

Where do you find stillness in your life?