Sometimes you need to settle your mind before you can make it up.
Sorry I've been gone for awhile! I needed to take some time to figure a few things. I needed to explore my heart and get out of my head. I also needed to ask myself a few tough questions.
We have all been in relationships that started off mutually fulfilling and eventually change. What happens when a path you are on with someone changes course? Do you fight it? I tell students all of the time that the Universe puts you right where you need to be; it is up to you to figure out what to do once you are there. Perhaps I should practice what I preach.
I had to break up with something. I had been avoiding it for awhile. I kept rationalizing how I felt with my head rather than my heart. I avoided how disconnected and unhappy I was so much that my lower back went out on me during teaching a class. Fortunately the Great Kate was there to work on me so that I was able to walk out un-hunched.
The next day a friend who is a reflexologist worked on my feet and told me I was angry. I told her she was wrong. She cracked one of my toes and I started screaming, "OKAY!!! I am ANGRY! I am tired of this person NOT HEARING ME!!!!! IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!"
Wow...where did that come from?
When I faced my anger and recognized it for what it was, it was easier to address what I was going to do about it. Here is an idea...communication rather than avoidance. Recognition that the relationship has changed. Decisions that resonate with what is going on NOW rather than past history. Decisions that are made with the heart and tempered by the head.
I have to repeat this to myself over and over.....
YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE
YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE
YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE
Years ago my sister called me. She was pregnant at the time and living in Boston. She asked how I was doing and I immediately launched into complaining about my life, and how hard everything was and how Alex and Xander were driving me nuts, and blah blah blahblahblahblah....... She interrupted me. She asked me if I realized that I hadn't asked her about how SHE was doing. She then told me that I had a tendency to not ask more often than not, and she wasn't calling to listen to me bitch all of the time.
I was horrified. Did I do this? Rather than immediately going on the defensive, I HEARD her. This is how she felt. It was valid. She showed me a not so pretty side of myself that I couldn't see. Did I do this with everyone?? Guess what? That phone call changed my life. She didn't ask me to change, tell me to change....she simply made clear how she felt. I made the decision to change based on what she showed me. I am a much happier person (and hopefully a better sister and friend) because of it.
What happens when you share how you feel with someone and they can't hear you? What happens when they are so far down a different path that it seems that they don't care? Again, do you fight for the relationship.....or do you break up?
The person I had anger towards could feel it, no matter what kind of smile I had plastered on my face. We finally talked honestly and I felt all of the ire and grief dissipate. I also communicated that it was time for us to part ways. As hard as that was to say....it was the right thing to do. I care for this person and would never want there to be issues between us. She is following her heart and it is taking her forward into a new horizon. I need to do the same.
If someone ever starts a conversation with the words, "You need to, You HAVE to, You Should....."
Smile at them and go to a happy place in your head while they yammer on. If someone tells you, "I am upset, sad, unhappy and this is why I feel this way"....listen with your heart AND your head. You may not agree with what is being said, but it will help in deciding what to do about it. We cannot change others, we CAN communicate and decide for ourselves what we are willing to do to stay in the relationship.
Or we can break up and move on down the road.....
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Hoarding Bliss
Yesterday I asked my students about how to fill their hearts rather than their heads. We look so often to criticize (usually ourselves) how do we look for joy? How do we recognize Grace?
I teach every Thursday up in Bedford at the Yoga Loft. There is a wonderful Kundalini class taught by the great Sandra Perlow after my Anusara-Inspired class. Sandra walked in and she was glowing. She was moving with such grace and had a beatific expression on her face, I had to go up to her and tell her how awesome she looked. She smiled and told me that she felt wonderful, that today she had put down all the "stuff" that drags her down and was "unencumbered". I was extremely envious of her students. Just by being in her presence for those few moments, I felt lighter.
One of my all time favorite movies is the Hayley Mills classic, Pollyanna. I can actually hear your eyeballs rolling in their sockets, so I will explain. Years ago, my sister and I were fixated on the old version of The Parent Trap and Pollyanna. For those of you old enough to remember a time where there were only seven television channels and you actually had to GET UP to change the channel, you will remember those Disney family movie specials, preceded by Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Ringing a bell? (if you are over 40-that is) My sister and I were allowed to watch them in our parents bed and it was a VERY big deal. Now in the time of one thousand channels (with very little to watch) I was flipping through the guide (not the actual TV guide-REMEMBER THAT??) with my butt on the couch and came across Pollyanna. I got so excited, I think I actually squealed.
Pollyanna is the daughter of deceased missionaries who comes to live with her cold and domineering spinster aunt. She begins to change the negative vibe of the town, not by mounting a positivity campaign, but by being her own sweet self and thus enabling people to reach for the joy in their lives. If you have just checked out due to sugar-shock, please come back to me; I have a point.
The scene that always resonates with me is when she is talking to the town preacher. He basically goes all Hellfire and Damnation every Sunday, and people hate going to church. They talk about her parents and she mentions a quote her missionary father had engraved on a locket and given her. It is attributed to Abraham Lincoln.
When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will.
I think in this world, this statement pretty much sums up the state if things. I think it also sums up our inner critic to a T. It is universal. So much negativity is literally hurled in our faces all day long. We then treat ourselves to the voice in our heads telling us all the things in our lives that are crap. HELLO, downward spiral.
A lot of the issues I have with organized religion, and this applies to spiritual teachers and yoga teachers (politicians) as well, is the message that if a certain path is not followed, well basically, it sucks to be you. If you question anything, or don't understand, well you are obviously not ready to receive whatever message is being taught. In my mind, the simple joy of reaching for the divine- whatever that means to YOU- is lost in all of the rhetoric, the I'm right and your wrong and negativity in general.
Ten positive comments are wiped out by one negative comment. I can say ten wonderful encouraging things to my students, my husband or my kids, but if I make one negative one- guess which one they are going to remember.
When I started Anusara training, we were asked to look at a student in a yoga pose, and then help them enhance, correct or do whatever needed to be done to get them into a more healthy form of said pose. The first principle of alignment in Anusara yoga is to open to Grace. This most definitely applies to teaching. I was the first person called. I immediately looked for what was wrong. I then launched into a lengthy explanation of how I would fix the student. My teacher, Ross Rayburn (go see him if he is EVER in your area) smiled at me. I smiled back thinking how awesome I was. He said, "Did you forget something?" Crap, did I? "I don't think so...." I replied. He smiled wider. "Okay, what did I forget?"
He replied, "The first principle of alignment."
Eh?
He told me to look at the student again and see everything that was RIGHT rather than wrong. To see what was BEAUTIFUL first. If I critique a student and tell them what they are doing wrong...is that going to help them move forward? If I tell them what is good, and then how to make it even better....is that perhaps a bit more empowering? Duh. This is the student's journey, not mine. I am just the tour guide to help them with the view.
That has been, to this day, the single most important thing I have ever learned as a teacher. I try very hard to apply it to everything in my head and my heart. Should I lie to people? No. Sometimes it isn't easy to find the joy or beauty in what I see or think. I want to fight, argue or just be downright negative.
This is why when I see someone like Sandra, I am happy to bask in her glow. I am not trying to suck her energy like a spiritual vampire, but I appreciate where she is, it lifts me up. It makes me want to turn to a positive place. Perhaps someone will sense that in me. It is not trying to take it all in, or give it all away- that is not beneficial for anyone. But it is recognizable, people DO sense it.
I make no secret of promoting people or studios I find wonderful. An owner once admonished me for this. I loved how my friend Rebekah put it. What is the point of hoarding students? If you create a heart-centered loving environment, people will come and teachers will stay. If you promote things that resonate with you in a positive light, you will get that back in spades.
When I am in a dark place, I don't fake joy and I don't think anyone else should either. I do think that I reach for whatever can get me through the next breath, whether it is a yoga class, my child's laugh or my friend simply listening to me. I used to close myself off for protection, now I reach for the light. I may not see it, but it is there.
When there is good energy, reach for it. The negative will always be there. Respect that everyone has their own journey- and guess what, just because it might be different from yours doesn't make it less valid. Someone will always be there to tell you, you are wrong- look for the person who will buoy you UP. (In an authentic way- not just by blowing sunshine up your, well, you get the picture) Be that person for someone else. When you are blessed, pass it on. And pardon my french......tell your inner critic to fuck OFF.
That being said...Namaste...The light in me honors the light in all of you.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Doin' Nothing....which is something....
So i just did a workshop with Kate Bovers Bilby this weekend and all I have to say is WOW. Kate has studied with some amazing teachers and she is so talented in her own right. We work well together as we are so different, but balance each other out.
Rebekah, at the Yoga Loft, organized a mini-retreat for students to practice, rejuvenate, learn about food and our bodies and finally restore. We opened the practice with my segment. My theme centered around how we disguise our needs as wants and vice versa. I, myself, can justify a food craving with ease. I talked about how what nourishes us, might not be what we want. In fact it might be frightening or hard. I realize that chair pose is beneficial for me, but it doesn't mean I want to stay in it for a protracted period of time.
After my segment Health and Wellness coach Jen Dorf and Clinical Psychologist Jill Lankler took over and gave a wonderful talk about food and mood. What we might want, might not be what we need- it might in fact be detrimental to our overall health and well being in general. Each person is unique and we need to discover what our body needs as as it pertains to our own optimal blueprint. There is so much information that is counter-intuitive out there. What resonated with me the most was when Jill suggested we spend at least twenty minutes every day doing NOTHING. When you slow down you can hear more clearly what your body, brain and heart are saying to you.
Kate finished up with an hour and a half of restorative yoga. In a restorative yoga class you hold a supported pose for a long period of time, surrendering to what your body has to say to you. I loved how my student Tanya described it. She called it "decadent". Each person's experience was their own. Rebekah and I helped Kate adjust to give people complete support with props while Kate (who I am SO blessed to be studying with) performed Reiki on our blissed out students. It was the ultimate expression of "doing nothing".
Sometimes there is the need to compartmentalize our lives. We might be in a place where we need to build walls as a way to keep from coming apart at the seams. We have all been there at one time or another. However, we can't stay compartmentalized forever. If we want to live our lives in truth, that is. When you stop and do nothing....guess what....all that stuff you have buried will be there.
One of the things about a yoga class is that at the end of a class you are given permission to lie still and do nothing. You are in fact, ASKED, to let go of everything and simply exist on your mat. Some people can do this with ease, for most people it is very challenging. Savasana; Corpse Pose, is where we lie on the floor and basically pretend that we are dead. Sounds easy, right? Try it. There is a reason it is, in my mind, it is the hardest pose in yoga. It is the pose where those tucked away thoughts, feelings and desires tend to resurface.
Yoga, practiced regularly, with an open heart and mind will help you navigate your life. Those experiences we compartmentalize or bury can be brought to the surface and faced, perhaps with a little more strength and courage. What nourishes us...primary foods- meaning love, health, family, security, confidence, awareness, etc.......these things can be joyful or painful. We can go great lengths to avoid pain, but sometimes the avoidance prolongs and magnifies it in the end.
I remember the first time I lost it at the end of a yoga class. It was a hip-opening class. I remember it like it was yesterday. I started crying and could not stop. I wasn't sobbing, but somehow the teacher knew. She came over and put my hands on my belly. She covered me up with a blanket and placed her hands on my shoulders and then my forehead. She then let me be. I released something in that 10 minutes of "nothing". I faced it when I walked out the door. It was still hard, but in facing it, it was de-fanged, so to speak.
Find the quiet moments in your life that are YOURS. Do nothing so that you can begin to see more of EVERYTHING. It doesn't have to be in a yoga class, but allow yourself introspection. It will nourish your soul.
Rebekah, at the Yoga Loft, organized a mini-retreat for students to practice, rejuvenate, learn about food and our bodies and finally restore. We opened the practice with my segment. My theme centered around how we disguise our needs as wants and vice versa. I, myself, can justify a food craving with ease. I talked about how what nourishes us, might not be what we want. In fact it might be frightening or hard. I realize that chair pose is beneficial for me, but it doesn't mean I want to stay in it for a protracted period of time.
After my segment Health and Wellness coach Jen Dorf and Clinical Psychologist Jill Lankler took over and gave a wonderful talk about food and mood. What we might want, might not be what we need- it might in fact be detrimental to our overall health and well being in general. Each person is unique and we need to discover what our body needs as as it pertains to our own optimal blueprint. There is so much information that is counter-intuitive out there. What resonated with me the most was when Jill suggested we spend at least twenty minutes every day doing NOTHING. When you slow down you can hear more clearly what your body, brain and heart are saying to you.
Kate finished up with an hour and a half of restorative yoga. In a restorative yoga class you hold a supported pose for a long period of time, surrendering to what your body has to say to you. I loved how my student Tanya described it. She called it "decadent". Each person's experience was their own. Rebekah and I helped Kate adjust to give people complete support with props while Kate (who I am SO blessed to be studying with) performed Reiki on our blissed out students. It was the ultimate expression of "doing nothing".
Sometimes there is the need to compartmentalize our lives. We might be in a place where we need to build walls as a way to keep from coming apart at the seams. We have all been there at one time or another. However, we can't stay compartmentalized forever. If we want to live our lives in truth, that is. When you stop and do nothing....guess what....all that stuff you have buried will be there.
One of the things about a yoga class is that at the end of a class you are given permission to lie still and do nothing. You are in fact, ASKED, to let go of everything and simply exist on your mat. Some people can do this with ease, for most people it is very challenging. Savasana; Corpse Pose, is where we lie on the floor and basically pretend that we are dead. Sounds easy, right? Try it. There is a reason it is, in my mind, it is the hardest pose in yoga. It is the pose where those tucked away thoughts, feelings and desires tend to resurface.
Yoga, practiced regularly, with an open heart and mind will help you navigate your life. Those experiences we compartmentalize or bury can be brought to the surface and faced, perhaps with a little more strength and courage. What nourishes us...primary foods- meaning love, health, family, security, confidence, awareness, etc.......these things can be joyful or painful. We can go great lengths to avoid pain, but sometimes the avoidance prolongs and magnifies it in the end.
I remember the first time I lost it at the end of a yoga class. It was a hip-opening class. I remember it like it was yesterday. I started crying and could not stop. I wasn't sobbing, but somehow the teacher knew. She came over and put my hands on my belly. She covered me up with a blanket and placed her hands on my shoulders and then my forehead. She then let me be. I released something in that 10 minutes of "nothing". I faced it when I walked out the door. It was still hard, but in facing it, it was de-fanged, so to speak.
Find the quiet moments in your life that are YOURS. Do nothing so that you can begin to see more of EVERYTHING. It doesn't have to be in a yoga class, but allow yourself introspection. It will nourish your soul.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Dancing Queens
This past weekend I had a bittersweet reunion with several old friends. Bittersweet because we were getting together to honor the memory of someone we lost to breast cancer. Our friend Dan wrote this:
As many of you have heard, Holly lost her battle with cancer Monday evening. This is terrible news indeed. Pete told me Holly is in a much better place and that she looked so peaceful when she said goodbye. Obviously, none of us thought this was going to happen so quickly, but nonetheless, the event will go on for him and the kids as planned... They still don't know about it, but we'll be telling them when the time is right. Please say a prayer for Pete and the kids as they mourn the sad loss of a wife, mother and friend to all of us.
Our friend's band, Sweet and Meaty (I'm not making that up) played their transcendental white boy funk at the event. This supergroup has been together in various forms since high school. Many an evening in my twenties was spent in the front row of various clubs dancing like a crazy person to this band. For those of you who have had the privilege of watching me groove, let us just say, it is either funny or horrifying, depending on how many drinks you have had. Let us also say there can be LOT of facial expressions and hair whipping, (depending on how many drinks I have had). You will now I am about to become markedly uninhibited when my shoes come off.
One of my best friends, and fellow groupie, Debra and I went to Holly's event together. It was wonderful to see old friends. It was also extremely sad that it took something like this to bring us together. I had to work the next morning and was a bit preoccupied with leaving early. I was driving, so I was not drinking.
The band started playing and we stood off to the side of the stage getting our groove on in a decidedly reserved (at least for me) fashion. I don't know why, but I felt it was disrespectful to let it all out on the floor. There were many more catch-up conversations, more listening to the band, more reminiscing and more laughter. I decided around midnight I needed to go. I asked Deb to grab her things and we headed up to the stage to say goodbye to the band.
We were about to head out the door, when the band launched into the Rolling Stones. Debra grabbed my purse and threw it on a table next to the stage....and we began to dance. We danced the way we did years ago, with absolute freedom and joy. Back then it was because we were hammered, now we just didn't care what anyone thought. For the next two songs I did my Solid Gold routine and Debra hopped around doing her wax on/wax off jazz/mime hands. There were facial expressions galore.
Afterwards a friend who I don't see very often came running up. I had said hello and chatted with her earlier in the evening. She grabbed me after Deb and I's little display and said, "THERE you are! WHERE have you BEEN?" In other words-why weren't you, well YOU? We are here to dance and be joyful, after all- not just make a donation.
My friend lost her father a short time ago. She was in so much pain, yet she was trying so hard to "keep it together". I don't often tell people what to do, but I did tell her this: You are not honoring your father if you don't properly grieve for him. Whatever that means......crying, laughing, dancing, etc.
When I pass, I want people to get together and be joyful. I want them to appreciate being ALIVE and savor their blessings. Show more love to those around you. I believe that this is how you honor someone.
Blessings to you all-
Blessings and prayers to Holly's family-Courtney
Holly Grout Broadhead leaves behind her husband Pete and two children, Charles and Lily. If you would like to make a donation to help offset some of the expenses their family has incurred since she had to begin treatment, please contact Dan O'Neill proneill@yahoo.com.
As many of you have heard, Holly lost her battle with cancer Monday evening. This is terrible news indeed. Pete told me Holly is in a much better place and that she looked so peaceful when she said goodbye. Obviously, none of us thought this was going to happen so quickly, but nonetheless, the event will go on for him and the kids as planned... They still don't know about it, but we'll be telling them when the time is right. Please say a prayer for Pete and the kids as they mourn the sad loss of a wife, mother and friend to all of us.
Our friend's band, Sweet and Meaty (I'm not making that up) played their transcendental white boy funk at the event. This supergroup has been together in various forms since high school. Many an evening in my twenties was spent in the front row of various clubs dancing like a crazy person to this band. For those of you who have had the privilege of watching me groove, let us just say, it is either funny or horrifying, depending on how many drinks you have had. Let us also say there can be LOT of facial expressions and hair whipping, (depending on how many drinks I have had). You will now I am about to become markedly uninhibited when my shoes come off.
One of my best friends, and fellow groupie, Debra and I went to Holly's event together. It was wonderful to see old friends. It was also extremely sad that it took something like this to bring us together. I had to work the next morning and was a bit preoccupied with leaving early. I was driving, so I was not drinking.
The band started playing and we stood off to the side of the stage getting our groove on in a decidedly reserved (at least for me) fashion. I don't know why, but I felt it was disrespectful to let it all out on the floor. There were many more catch-up conversations, more listening to the band, more reminiscing and more laughter. I decided around midnight I needed to go. I asked Deb to grab her things and we headed up to the stage to say goodbye to the band.
We were about to head out the door, when the band launched into the Rolling Stones. Debra grabbed my purse and threw it on a table next to the stage....and we began to dance. We danced the way we did years ago, with absolute freedom and joy. Back then it was because we were hammered, now we just didn't care what anyone thought. For the next two songs I did my Solid Gold routine and Debra hopped around doing her wax on/wax off jazz/mime hands. There were facial expressions galore.
Afterwards a friend who I don't see very often came running up. I had said hello and chatted with her earlier in the evening. She grabbed me after Deb and I's little display and said, "THERE you are! WHERE have you BEEN?" In other words-why weren't you, well YOU? We are here to dance and be joyful, after all- not just make a donation.
My friend lost her father a short time ago. She was in so much pain, yet she was trying so hard to "keep it together". I don't often tell people what to do, but I did tell her this: You are not honoring your father if you don't properly grieve for him. Whatever that means......crying, laughing, dancing, etc.
When I pass, I want people to get together and be joyful. I want them to appreciate being ALIVE and savor their blessings. Show more love to those around you. I believe that this is how you honor someone.
Blessings to you all-
Blessings and prayers to Holly's family-Courtney
Holly Grout Broadhead leaves behind her husband Pete and two children, Charles and Lily. If you would like to make a donation to help offset some of the expenses their family has incurred since she had to begin treatment, please contact Dan O'Neill proneill@yahoo.com.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Playtime
Sorry for not posting for awhile! I am back from vacation and while I was away I was having phone issues. I took this as a sign that I should put my phone AWAY for the length of the vacation and focus on my family and myself in that order. I have to say I feel no guilt in doing so. I was too busy playing.
My parents graciously invited us to stay with them for the week of Easter vacation. The weather was absolutely perfect, I got to spend some time with my family without dashing off to work or the sound and fury of everyday life, and I got to see my dear friend Gray and her family. We found many sharks teeth, logged many hours in the pool and ate wonderful food. Mom and Dad let us sleep in, and took the kids for us so Alex and I could be together alone and I got to go to yoga with my Mom. A blissful week. Oh yes...I also turned forty.
My older son started swim lessons when he was six months old. He was a total pain in the ass to take to the beach. He would crawl into the surf. When he was old enough, he would RUN into the surf, get knocked around by the waves before either Alex or I could drag him out, deposit him in front of his toys, play for one moment, and he was up and running to repeat the entire process. It was lifeguard duty for a determined toddler. It was the same situation in any pool. We had to keep our eyes on him or he would launch himself into the water. This was exhausting and the source of many arguments between Alex and I about who was on Xander duty. All of this changed before his third birthday.
We were swimming in a friend's pool at the end of the summer. This pool was probably built in the 1970's- so the deep end was DEEP. We took our eyes off of Xander for one second and he jumped into twelve feet of water and sank like a stone. I immediately screamed and our friend Paul jumped in right after him and fished our coughing, sputtering son out of the water. I don't know who was more upset, but it didn't matter, he was safe. The problem was while finally acquiring a healthy respect for the water, he also developed an intense fear. It took a few years before he would consider swimming. Our water baby was no more.
Our younger son Max adopted Xander's fear. He listened to us coaxing Xander out into the surf and our pleadings to go under water, that we were RIGHT THERE and he was safe. He watched Xander and decided that if something was too scary for his older brother, than it was definitely too scary for him. Now we have two children who refuse to put their heads under water or venture out into the deep end of the pool. How do we help them recover from their fears?
Last year Xander, at the age of seven, began to swim on his own. He didn't want to miss out on anything that was going on with the other kids. We encouraged him and he began to swim with enough confidence that we could relax a little bit. Max still refused no matter what the incentive.
Before we left for vacation last week, I casually asked Max if he wanted a swimming lesson in Florida. He immediately became hysterical. It took me two hours to fully calm him down. When we got to my parents house, Xander swam happily around the pool. Max barely put his feet in the water.
My husband comes from the Old school German way of teaching- just make him do it...if we throw him in- he will HAVE to swim. Perhaps this might work or a certain type of child, it might also provide a psychologist with a lifelong client. Max kept begging me to play with him in the water. Finally, I did. We didn't do anything too crazy. I didn't push him. Xander was showing off doing cannonballs. Max wanted to play too. He put on a swim belt. He started tenuously floating with it. He puts his arms around a noodle and paddled around a bit in the shallow end.
Days went by and Max started doing more and more. I noticed that the big breakthroughs happened while he was playing with one of us. It wasn't "teaching" it was actual play in the beginning....then Alex and I started throwing some instruction in there disguised as play. It took less than a week for Max to figure out swimming under water. It was beautiful to watch him do it. He learned through playing. It was then I started thinking about all of the best teachers I have ever had- yoga or otherwise. Each one of them brought something playful; something JOYFUL to their teachings. Each one of them made ME want to find the joy in learning- no matter what the subject, and helped me get over my fears. Max got over his fear of the water by finding the joy in playing in it.
Shouldn't there be an element of joy to the things we do all the time? Otherwise- why do we do them? It doesn't have to be a breakthrough moment all of the time....but shouldn't we be able to find the playfulness in our day to day lives? If we take ourselves SO seriously where is the room for joy in creativity? Or humor? Or playfulness? What happens if we take this element away from our kids?
Charlotte Cavanaugh, the Director of my children's pre-school would tell her type A parents (most of us) about the importance of play in the early stages of learning in a child's life. I think that finding this same element as an adult is just as important. Do I mean we should give up all responsibility? Obviously NOT. However, as with all things, there needs to be a balance. You never know what you might discover.
My FIVE year old taught me this this past week.
My parents graciously invited us to stay with them for the week of Easter vacation. The weather was absolutely perfect, I got to spend some time with my family without dashing off to work or the sound and fury of everyday life, and I got to see my dear friend Gray and her family. We found many sharks teeth, logged many hours in the pool and ate wonderful food. Mom and Dad let us sleep in, and took the kids for us so Alex and I could be together alone and I got to go to yoga with my Mom. A blissful week. Oh yes...I also turned forty.
My older son started swim lessons when he was six months old. He was a total pain in the ass to take to the beach. He would crawl into the surf. When he was old enough, he would RUN into the surf, get knocked around by the waves before either Alex or I could drag him out, deposit him in front of his toys, play for one moment, and he was up and running to repeat the entire process. It was lifeguard duty for a determined toddler. It was the same situation in any pool. We had to keep our eyes on him or he would launch himself into the water. This was exhausting and the source of many arguments between Alex and I about who was on Xander duty. All of this changed before his third birthday.
We were swimming in a friend's pool at the end of the summer. This pool was probably built in the 1970's- so the deep end was DEEP. We took our eyes off of Xander for one second and he jumped into twelve feet of water and sank like a stone. I immediately screamed and our friend Paul jumped in right after him and fished our coughing, sputtering son out of the water. I don't know who was more upset, but it didn't matter, he was safe. The problem was while finally acquiring a healthy respect for the water, he also developed an intense fear. It took a few years before he would consider swimming. Our water baby was no more.
Our younger son Max adopted Xander's fear. He listened to us coaxing Xander out into the surf and our pleadings to go under water, that we were RIGHT THERE and he was safe. He watched Xander and decided that if something was too scary for his older brother, than it was definitely too scary for him. Now we have two children who refuse to put their heads under water or venture out into the deep end of the pool. How do we help them recover from their fears?
Last year Xander, at the age of seven, began to swim on his own. He didn't want to miss out on anything that was going on with the other kids. We encouraged him and he began to swim with enough confidence that we could relax a little bit. Max still refused no matter what the incentive.
Before we left for vacation last week, I casually asked Max if he wanted a swimming lesson in Florida. He immediately became hysterical. It took me two hours to fully calm him down. When we got to my parents house, Xander swam happily around the pool. Max barely put his feet in the water.
My husband comes from the Old school German way of teaching- just make him do it...if we throw him in- he will HAVE to swim. Perhaps this might work or a certain type of child, it might also provide a psychologist with a lifelong client. Max kept begging me to play with him in the water. Finally, I did. We didn't do anything too crazy. I didn't push him. Xander was showing off doing cannonballs. Max wanted to play too. He put on a swim belt. He started tenuously floating with it. He puts his arms around a noodle and paddled around a bit in the shallow end.
Days went by and Max started doing more and more. I noticed that the big breakthroughs happened while he was playing with one of us. It wasn't "teaching" it was actual play in the beginning....then Alex and I started throwing some instruction in there disguised as play. It took less than a week for Max to figure out swimming under water. It was beautiful to watch him do it. He learned through playing. It was then I started thinking about all of the best teachers I have ever had- yoga or otherwise. Each one of them brought something playful; something JOYFUL to their teachings. Each one of them made ME want to find the joy in learning- no matter what the subject, and helped me get over my fears. Max got over his fear of the water by finding the joy in playing in it.
Shouldn't there be an element of joy to the things we do all the time? Otherwise- why do we do them? It doesn't have to be a breakthrough moment all of the time....but shouldn't we be able to find the playfulness in our day to day lives? If we take ourselves SO seriously where is the room for joy in creativity? Or humor? Or playfulness? What happens if we take this element away from our kids?
Charlotte Cavanaugh, the Director of my children's pre-school would tell her type A parents (most of us) about the importance of play in the early stages of learning in a child's life. I think that finding this same element as an adult is just as important. Do I mean we should give up all responsibility? Obviously NOT. However, as with all things, there needs to be a balance. You never know what you might discover.
My FIVE year old taught me this this past week.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The Big Four- OHHHH!
So. My birthday is fast approaching and it is a big one. One of my favorite quotes from a movie comes from Postcards from the Edge. Shirley McLean plays Meryl Streep's mother who has some, shall we say, issues with growing older and refers to herself as "middle aged". Meryl's character asks, "Really? How many 120 year old women do you know?
I am now somewhere in the middle. I have been thinking a lot about different points in my life and who I was in those moments. I know when we look back we tend to sentimentalize our youth, which is not always a bad thing, but I have been going straight to the source. I have been re-reading journals I have sporadically kept since I was fourteen. It has been interesting to say the least. It has also been funny, wonderful and downright sad at times.
There are points in my life where I want to go back and shake myself and say, "Remember this clearly!! Enjoy it!! This is going to be a special moment!!" Watching a billion stars under a night sky and telling ghost stories, eating cheese, drinking wine and smoking cigarettes listening to the opera singers sing for tips in Covent Gardens, watching fireworks on Long Island Sound as Alex works up the nerve to propose. There are many of these memories I found it wonderful to relive.
There is also the scared, depressed, lonely girl, who I want to go back and put my arms around, to tell her that it is going to be okay- that she will in fact get through these dark times and and emerge into the light. To hold off self-destruction which as we all know, comes in so many different forms, and not let her be sucked down into a scary place. You will find yoga, which will help you navigate your life.
I want to go back to the entitled person and laugh at her, to tell her that expensive things are nice, but you can't be buried with them. Stuff at the end of the day is stuff. Accept it for what it is. You don't DESERVE these things and if you want to splurge, fine, but never pay more than you can afford and always be grateful for the things you have. Shoes are not a right. (I might be undecided on that one.)
This past weekend I thought I was going to a dinner party at my friend Tina's house. I arrived at the front door, and when it was opened was surprised by many wonderful friends. My sister and her husband were there. There were pictures from my friends and family, as well as a slide show, documenting my life up until this point. There was music, a WHOLE lot of dancing, and perhaps a drink or two. My husband gave a beautiful toast. I had to restrain tears several times throughout the evening, which did not end until 2:30 in the morning.
I am happy to be turning forty. I like myself. I don't look back on my last 40 years with anything like regret. Every breath and heartbeat has lead to this moment. Every mistake, bad decision, unhappy situation, has helped shape who I am now as well as all of the good stuff. I need less. I want more, but what I want isn't "stuff" (except for shoes- that will probably never change). I have friends and family for whom I don't need to be anyone but myself. The parameters and expectations I set for myself as a younger person have dissolved into the illusions that they were. The authentic hopes and dreams are still there.
One of my favorite quotes: "How do you make God Laugh?" Answer: "Tell Him/Her your plans." So hopefully I go forth into the world a little wiser, more open to joy and maybe with a little more Grace.
Thank you to all of you who have helped me get there- especially Xander, Max, Alex, Mom, Dad and Rebe. xxoo
I am now somewhere in the middle. I have been thinking a lot about different points in my life and who I was in those moments. I know when we look back we tend to sentimentalize our youth, which is not always a bad thing, but I have been going straight to the source. I have been re-reading journals I have sporadically kept since I was fourteen. It has been interesting to say the least. It has also been funny, wonderful and downright sad at times.
There are points in my life where I want to go back and shake myself and say, "Remember this clearly!! Enjoy it!! This is going to be a special moment!!" Watching a billion stars under a night sky and telling ghost stories, eating cheese, drinking wine and smoking cigarettes listening to the opera singers sing for tips in Covent Gardens, watching fireworks on Long Island Sound as Alex works up the nerve to propose. There are many of these memories I found it wonderful to relive.
There is also the scared, depressed, lonely girl, who I want to go back and put my arms around, to tell her that it is going to be okay- that she will in fact get through these dark times and and emerge into the light. To hold off self-destruction which as we all know, comes in so many different forms, and not let her be sucked down into a scary place. You will find yoga, which will help you navigate your life.
I want to go back to the entitled person and laugh at her, to tell her that expensive things are nice, but you can't be buried with them. Stuff at the end of the day is stuff. Accept it for what it is. You don't DESERVE these things and if you want to splurge, fine, but never pay more than you can afford and always be grateful for the things you have. Shoes are not a right. (I might be undecided on that one.)
This past weekend I thought I was going to a dinner party at my friend Tina's house. I arrived at the front door, and when it was opened was surprised by many wonderful friends. My sister and her husband were there. There were pictures from my friends and family, as well as a slide show, documenting my life up until this point. There was music, a WHOLE lot of dancing, and perhaps a drink or two. My husband gave a beautiful toast. I had to restrain tears several times throughout the evening, which did not end until 2:30 in the morning.
I am happy to be turning forty. I like myself. I don't look back on my last 40 years with anything like regret. Every breath and heartbeat has lead to this moment. Every mistake, bad decision, unhappy situation, has helped shape who I am now as well as all of the good stuff. I need less. I want more, but what I want isn't "stuff" (except for shoes- that will probably never change). I have friends and family for whom I don't need to be anyone but myself. The parameters and expectations I set for myself as a younger person have dissolved into the illusions that they were. The authentic hopes and dreams are still there.
One of my favorite quotes: "How do you make God Laugh?" Answer: "Tell Him/Her your plans." So hopefully I go forth into the world a little wiser, more open to joy and maybe with a little more Grace.
Thank you to all of you who have helped me get there- especially Xander, Max, Alex, Mom, Dad and Rebe. xxoo
Friday, April 8, 2011
Checking In?
Do you remember when you would meet someone and show them the BEST possible version of yourself? (i.e. the one you thought that they would find the most attractive?) You find yourself saying things such as: "Why yes, I LOVE motorcycles....Oh I agree, The Grateful Dead is the best band on the planet!.....Sure we can go camping instead of staying at a hotel; I LOVE to camp!....A beer tasting? FANTASTIC!....I LOVE hanging out with all of your friends!" My husband told his friends in the beginning of our relationship that I was the coolest girlfriend ever.
My girlfriends in college and our early twenties would begin relationships this way. We would note each others disappearances at the beginning of said couplings. Usually after about three to six months, depending on the guy, we would resurface, emerging from a haze of initial romantic bliss into a more stark reality. Some of these relationships would make it past this point, some would fizzle with lessons learned, some would explode. I myself dated many actors, artists and musicians, thus ensuring fireworks in the beginning, and the inevitable thermonuclear blast at the end. It took me awhile to learn my lesson.
At Noah Maze's workshop last weekend he led a class revolving around commitment. This is a fairly universal theme, however, he quoted yoga teacher Christina Sell during the class and I have been chewing on, and talking about that quote all week long.
"Intimacy Begins When You Want to Leave."- Christina Sell
When a person goes to a yoga class and is presented with a challenging pose, the tendency is to try it and then back off, or write it off because it is not for them. I myself am guilty of this. I will talk myself out of doing really deep backbends more often than not. I tell myself that I am being mindful of an injury, but it is usually my head, not my lower back that is dictating the decision. Fear, Intimacy's opposition.
When we begin a relationship, we get to have the first kiss, the romance of the BEGINNING. I believe that we present more of a two-dimensional version of ourselves and tend to see our new partner in crime the same way. I remember on my batchelorette weekend, one of my best friends was extolling the virtues of her new boyfriend. She was going on and ON, until I finally interrupted and asked if there was anything she DIDN'T love about him. She looked at me like I was absolutely crazy and said,"No! I'm so in love! I HAVE to marry this man!!" They had been dating two months.
Remember the first time you looked at your husband/wife/partner and realized that they were far from perfect? Maybe you wanted to run for the hills, or maybe, just maybe, the inclination was to start seeing them as the multi-faceted person that they are. The good, the bad and the ugly. This is where Intimacy begins. This is where you find true faith, love, understanding. It is when it gets challenging.
The first time I did a headstand for 10 minutes, the first five of those minutes voices in my head were telling me to come down, that I had done enough, that it was too long, etc......The last five minutes were spent finding the nuances of the pose. My focus shifted all around my body, from the top of my head on the floor, to the tips of my toes in the air. I was committed. The relationship changed the minute I decided NOT to run away; it evolved into something new.
This week I led my students through standing poses with vinyasas in between. They were engaged. They felt they knew what to expect. I then put them in Warrior Two for over a minute. I ran around adjusting, taking their front thighs more forward, asking them to lift their upper bodies higher up out of their pelvic girdle, to life their hearts, and BREATHE throughout the entire process. By the end a woman cried out, "OKAY! I want a DIVORCE!!" We all laughed, but the pose for each of them had changed. By staying in, and staying engaged, letting go of doubt and perhaps even fear, their bodies softened a bit and absorbed the experience. Hopefully a little of that will remain every time they do Vira 2. It is a warrior pose after all.
We run away from intimacy when we are scared, unhappy, disconnected, angry. To reclaim it takes work, patience and an acknowledgement that you are checking out. We are not cardboard cutouts. There is a vast universe in each of us, to create intimacy usually means a date with honesty. Intense, sometimes scary stuff.
After all of my "artistic" boyfriends, I needed a change. I started to date Alex because he was very funny and it would be "transitional". My father LOVED Alex. He wanted to be an advertising executive, he owned his own car, he had a job and a short haircut. He looked like an staid accountant next to my old boyfriends. After the initial glow wore off and I realized we had moved past the transitional phase, things became harder. My dad, fearful of us breaking up, would get upset with me for getting mad at Alex. He was terrified I would go back to dating future members of downtown bands and re-dye my hair.
But we stuck it out. We have always loved each other, but in our crazy day to day lives we sometimes become disconnected. We have to do the work. A solid marriage makes a solid family. He is not perfect, I am ALMOST perfect (hahahahahahaha- far from it), but we forge our connection over and over and evolve into who we are now.
So what do you want to run from? What is worth sticking around for? What friendships, relationships, commitments, yoga poses, etc make you want to hit the high road? I have been asking my self these questions all week long. One thing I do know...
Alex- thanks for sticking around when YOU wanted to check out. (Not that you EVER did)
My girlfriends in college and our early twenties would begin relationships this way. We would note each others disappearances at the beginning of said couplings. Usually after about three to six months, depending on the guy, we would resurface, emerging from a haze of initial romantic bliss into a more stark reality. Some of these relationships would make it past this point, some would fizzle with lessons learned, some would explode. I myself dated many actors, artists and musicians, thus ensuring fireworks in the beginning, and the inevitable thermonuclear blast at the end. It took me awhile to learn my lesson.
At Noah Maze's workshop last weekend he led a class revolving around commitment. This is a fairly universal theme, however, he quoted yoga teacher Christina Sell during the class and I have been chewing on, and talking about that quote all week long.
"Intimacy Begins When You Want to Leave."- Christina Sell
When a person goes to a yoga class and is presented with a challenging pose, the tendency is to try it and then back off, or write it off because it is not for them. I myself am guilty of this. I will talk myself out of doing really deep backbends more often than not. I tell myself that I am being mindful of an injury, but it is usually my head, not my lower back that is dictating the decision. Fear, Intimacy's opposition.
When we begin a relationship, we get to have the first kiss, the romance of the BEGINNING. I believe that we present more of a two-dimensional version of ourselves and tend to see our new partner in crime the same way. I remember on my batchelorette weekend, one of my best friends was extolling the virtues of her new boyfriend. She was going on and ON, until I finally interrupted and asked if there was anything she DIDN'T love about him. She looked at me like I was absolutely crazy and said,"No! I'm so in love! I HAVE to marry this man!!" They had been dating two months.
Remember the first time you looked at your husband/wife/partner and realized that they were far from perfect? Maybe you wanted to run for the hills, or maybe, just maybe, the inclination was to start seeing them as the multi-faceted person that they are. The good, the bad and the ugly. This is where Intimacy begins. This is where you find true faith, love, understanding. It is when it gets challenging.
The first time I did a headstand for 10 minutes, the first five of those minutes voices in my head were telling me to come down, that I had done enough, that it was too long, etc......The last five minutes were spent finding the nuances of the pose. My focus shifted all around my body, from the top of my head on the floor, to the tips of my toes in the air. I was committed. The relationship changed the minute I decided NOT to run away; it evolved into something new.
This week I led my students through standing poses with vinyasas in between. They were engaged. They felt they knew what to expect. I then put them in Warrior Two for over a minute. I ran around adjusting, taking their front thighs more forward, asking them to lift their upper bodies higher up out of their pelvic girdle, to life their hearts, and BREATHE throughout the entire process. By the end a woman cried out, "OKAY! I want a DIVORCE!!" We all laughed, but the pose for each of them had changed. By staying in, and staying engaged, letting go of doubt and perhaps even fear, their bodies softened a bit and absorbed the experience. Hopefully a little of that will remain every time they do Vira 2. It is a warrior pose after all.
We run away from intimacy when we are scared, unhappy, disconnected, angry. To reclaim it takes work, patience and an acknowledgement that you are checking out. We are not cardboard cutouts. There is a vast universe in each of us, to create intimacy usually means a date with honesty. Intense, sometimes scary stuff.
After all of my "artistic" boyfriends, I needed a change. I started to date Alex because he was very funny and it would be "transitional". My father LOVED Alex. He wanted to be an advertising executive, he owned his own car, he had a job and a short haircut. He looked like an staid accountant next to my old boyfriends. After the initial glow wore off and I realized we had moved past the transitional phase, things became harder. My dad, fearful of us breaking up, would get upset with me for getting mad at Alex. He was terrified I would go back to dating future members of downtown bands and re-dye my hair.
But we stuck it out. We have always loved each other, but in our crazy day to day lives we sometimes become disconnected. We have to do the work. A solid marriage makes a solid family. He is not perfect, I am ALMOST perfect (hahahahahahaha- far from it), but we forge our connection over and over and evolve into who we are now.
So what do you want to run from? What is worth sticking around for? What friendships, relationships, commitments, yoga poses, etc make you want to hit the high road? I have been asking my self these questions all week long. One thing I do know...
Alex- thanks for sticking around when YOU wanted to check out. (Not that you EVER did)
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