I am off to see the Wizard with the rest of the Anusara community within the tri-state area in October. John Friend, Founder of Anusara Yoga is coming to town and I am lucky enough to be participating in the three day teachers intensive as well as both weekend workshops with him. Did I mention I am slightly terrified?
Okay- I will mention it now.
I am going to be surrounded by much more experienced teachers, including my own, with whom I struggle to consider my peers. In other words, the little voice in my head has been whispering to me. You know THAT voice. The voice that tells you in so many different ways that you are basically not worthy. In my case, the voice has been telling me that my skills are not nearly up to par.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do any of us?
It is good to be humble. It is good to be confident. These are things we must cultivate. If we take things too far, arrogance or insecurity can rear their ugly heads. This is a yoga that is centered in the heart. There is no room for arrogance or fear in the heart.
I told a story to my class the other day about an experience I had at the tender age of twenty-three. I was being taken out to dinner with my co-workers to a fancy steak restaurant frequented by businessmen and mobsters. I was wearing a purple crushed velvet mini dress with black tights and high heeled mary-janes. (give me a break, it was the early nineties) I was finishing up at the office and everyone was waiting for me. I threw on my leopard coat and ran to the bathroom, not bothering to take the coat off because I was in a hurry. When we arrived at the restaurant I was the last to check my coat and walk to the table. I smugly noticed that everyone was looking at me. We sat down and ordered drinks. I got up to go to the ladies room (I drank a LOT of coffee in those days) and again noticed most of the room watching me cross the restaurant. I must look HOT! I thought to myself as I started to strut. I might have even flipped my hair. I arrived at the bathroom and turned to regard the awesomeness that was me in the floor length mirror.
My dress was tucked into my tights. Humbled, yet seeing the humor in the situation, I strutted back across the restaurant, much to the amusement of the other diners. I think of this whenever my head gets too big.
When I feel scared or insecure, I tend to go too far in my head and ignore my heart. How do I turn this back to quiet confidence in what I know and teach and find the humility in the knowledge that I have so much more to discover and learn. Well first principle, dummy. Open to Grace. Again, fear does not live in the heart.
In my mind, it is alright to second guess yourself. It is okay to question. Otherwise you wind up like a certain arrogant person walking around with her dress in her pantyhose. What is the worst that could happen? The first time I met John Friend he was kind, gracious, funny and humble. If he asks me a question, I hope instead of panicking and screaming "Inner Spiral!!!" I will either answer him confidently or say these words.....
"I don't know."
and that is ok:)
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Disaster Relief
Well HELLO!!!!
I know it has been awhile and for that I apologize. It has been a whirlwind of a summer culminating in a hurricane. Somehow it was fitting.
Ross Rayburn once told me about teaching, "Don't say something until you have something to say." Normally I have NO problem writing and/or talking, but I felt as though I needed to take a break to step back and recharge my batteries. A life observed....examined....whatever.
I went to Martha's Vineyard to spend the second half of my summer with my family. I decided before going that I would not only spend as much time as possible with my family, I would also be game for whatever THEY wanted to do. When we went to the beach if someone asked me to build a sandcastle, play Kadima, go boogie boarding, clamming, boating, etc, I would get my butt off of my beach chair, put down my book/People magazine and engage. I was probably in the water more this summer than the past five summers combined. My family would be my yoga.
Every year there is a twelve meter regatta off of the island. These boats are beautiful to watch. My husband races every weekend on a smaller sailboat. Sailing is his yoga. He crewed last year on one of the twelve meters, but took this year off from the race. On the day of the races he came downstairs and asked if anyone wanted to go out on the boat to watch. It was an overcast day and the boys did not want to go. I replied cheerily, "I'll go." He regarded me for a moment then said, "I'm not going into town to go shopping Courtney."
Now I could have responded many different ways in either defensive or hurt or angry mode. I chose Grace. I responded, "I know." He kept looking at me suspiciously like I was going to get there and sneak away to purchase shoes. Finally he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Um...okay." Off we went.
Just the two of us on the boat watching these amazing crafts. I took a turn at the helm while he took pictures. At one point a boat came back around right at us. Alex yelled to me..."Get us out of here...NOW!" I hit the gas and complied. After that shot of adrenaline we looked at each other with relieved laughter. It was a wonderful moment. It was the type of moment we had not had in awhile. It was the type of day we had not shared in a long time. My mother commented afterwards that she was impressed that I did get angry at Alex's comment. I reminded her that when I got married one of her most valuable pieces of advice was, "Pick your battles."
There is a difference between placating and letting something slide. I am trying at his point in my life to express when my feelings are hurt in a constructive way. I am also trying to grow a thicker skin and do things my family loves to do. I hope in doing this that door will swing both ways. It already has.
It was a wonderful and tough summer. We faced life changes, illness, and riptides, but by remembering to stick together and FOCUS on each other and those we love, we made it through.
Annie Clark, who just opened a wonderful studio in Wilton CT, Hello Yoga, made a point in class today that if you are having the worst moment in the world, This too shall pass. If you are having the BEST moment, This too shall pass. That resonated with me because I have had a bit of both this summer. I survived the tough stuff (Irene included) and relished the wonderful things. (rice cooker on the beach- M:))
Blessings to all of you. Thank you to A, X, M, Rwambos, Trax's, W's and K's, new friend miss meg- and of course M and D for one of the best summers I have had in a long time.
All you runners out there- or people who just love music- check out my sister Rebecca's new blog:
runningwithmusic.blogspot.com
I know it has been awhile and for that I apologize. It has been a whirlwind of a summer culminating in a hurricane. Somehow it was fitting.
Ross Rayburn once told me about teaching, "Don't say something until you have something to say." Normally I have NO problem writing and/or talking, but I felt as though I needed to take a break to step back and recharge my batteries. A life observed....examined....whatever.
I went to Martha's Vineyard to spend the second half of my summer with my family. I decided before going that I would not only spend as much time as possible with my family, I would also be game for whatever THEY wanted to do. When we went to the beach if someone asked me to build a sandcastle, play Kadima, go boogie boarding, clamming, boating, etc, I would get my butt off of my beach chair, put down my book/People magazine and engage. I was probably in the water more this summer than the past five summers combined. My family would be my yoga.
Every year there is a twelve meter regatta off of the island. These boats are beautiful to watch. My husband races every weekend on a smaller sailboat. Sailing is his yoga. He crewed last year on one of the twelve meters, but took this year off from the race. On the day of the races he came downstairs and asked if anyone wanted to go out on the boat to watch. It was an overcast day and the boys did not want to go. I replied cheerily, "I'll go." He regarded me for a moment then said, "I'm not going into town to go shopping Courtney."
Now I could have responded many different ways in either defensive or hurt or angry mode. I chose Grace. I responded, "I know." He kept looking at me suspiciously like I was going to get there and sneak away to purchase shoes. Finally he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Um...okay." Off we went.
Just the two of us on the boat watching these amazing crafts. I took a turn at the helm while he took pictures. At one point a boat came back around right at us. Alex yelled to me..."Get us out of here...NOW!" I hit the gas and complied. After that shot of adrenaline we looked at each other with relieved laughter. It was a wonderful moment. It was the type of moment we had not had in awhile. It was the type of day we had not shared in a long time. My mother commented afterwards that she was impressed that I did get angry at Alex's comment. I reminded her that when I got married one of her most valuable pieces of advice was, "Pick your battles."
There is a difference between placating and letting something slide. I am trying at his point in my life to express when my feelings are hurt in a constructive way. I am also trying to grow a thicker skin and do things my family loves to do. I hope in doing this that door will swing both ways. It already has.
It was a wonderful and tough summer. We faced life changes, illness, and riptides, but by remembering to stick together and FOCUS on each other and those we love, we made it through.
Annie Clark, who just opened a wonderful studio in Wilton CT, Hello Yoga, made a point in class today that if you are having the worst moment in the world, This too shall pass. If you are having the BEST moment, This too shall pass. That resonated with me because I have had a bit of both this summer. I survived the tough stuff (Irene included) and relished the wonderful things. (rice cooker on the beach- M:))
Blessings to all of you. Thank you to A, X, M, Rwambos, Trax's, W's and K's, new friend miss meg- and of course M and D for one of the best summers I have had in a long time.
All you runners out there- or people who just love music- check out my sister Rebecca's new blog:
runningwithmusic.blogspot.com
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