Sunday, February 27, 2011

Big Loser?

Okay, I will admit it. I watch The Biggest Loser. It happened by accident once, and I got sucked into its vortex. Sometimes I will call my friend Melissa when I am watching it and ask, "If I am sitting on the couch, drinking wine and watching The Biggest Loser, does that make me THE biggest loser?" To which she will respond, "Yes." and hang up on me. For all of you who have not seen the show, it is about overweight people who try to lose weight while competing in various idiotic and humiliating challenges that the producers dream up. I could care less about that crap, what drew me into the show was the contestants themselves and their trainers. What fascinates me are these people's "breakthrough" moments.

I remember a class I took years ago when I was an Ashtanga Yoga student. Next to me in a crowded room was a rather large woman. My first thought was that she mush be in the wrong class, my second thought was that there was no WAY she was going to make it through the series. I judged her. I summed her up in my head in less than a minute. Well color me surprised when this woman was doing things in class that I could only DREAM of doing and she was at least ten years older and 50 pounds heavier than I was. Her practice was so beautiful, I couldn't focus on my own. I wanted to grab some popcorn and watch her. At the time I was terrified of doing headstands in the middle of the room. She lifted into a headstand easily and then proceeded to put her legs in Lotus position. With her eyes closed.

After class I felt the need to tell her how much I admired her practice. She smiled and thanked me. I then blurted out, "I can't do headstands in the middle of the room, I'm too scared." She asked, "Why?" I responded, "Because I might fall." Duh. She then said, "Do you want me to show you how to fall? When you know how to fall down, and it happens a few times, then it becomes a lot less scary."  Learn how to FALL??? I was trying to stay up, not fall down.....and I was scared. I was two years into practicing yoga at this point and six months into practicing Ashtanga. I had pre-conceived notions of what I could do and couldn't do. I looked at this woman who blew every stereotype I had created in my mind of what a yogi should look like and put a toe outside my comfort zone. "Yes, please, I think that would be helpful."

She showed me how to fall. And I did it, heart and mind racing, I fell over. Then she said, "Now go up." And I did. And I stayed up. In the middle of the room. When I came down after a few minutes (that is what it felt like, it was probably thirty seconds, max) I was filled with amazement and joy, I did it, did anyone see that? Wasn't that awesome????? She leaned in and hugged me and said, "See? It was less scary. And next time it will be even less." I thanked her and she left. To this day I remember that class, that moment, with absolute clarity. I did not get her name, which I regret to this day, but she is firmly etched in my consciousness. She was my first BIG breakthrough moment in yoga. Not because I did a headstand in the middle of the room (although that was big) but because my world expanded that day. I could stay in my comfort zone, my own little universe, or I could reach for something that scared me, and be willing to fall down to get it. I could also ask for help. And one of the biggest lessons, I stopped judging so much with my eyes. Everyone is not a neat little package.

On The Biggest Loser, the trainers could give a shit about the game, what they want is for these people to not only lose weight, but understand why they gained the weight in the first place and how to fix it. One of the contestants, named Courtney by the way, who had already lost a lot of weight on her own, was on the treadmill doing sprints. Her trainer told her to crank the treadmill to 12. She widened her eyes and did it, and then she RAN. If I tried to sprint on a treadmill set to 12, I probably would be thrown across the room. This woman has almost two hundred pounds on me and she did it. When the sprint was over, the look on her face was priceless. It was a breakthrough moment! The trainer told all of the contestants to stop listening to the voices in their heads telling them that they couldn't do things. The only way to shut those voices up is to step outside of your comfort zone, outside of whatever patterns you have created for yourself, and be willing to fall down.

One of my favorite things about teaching is watching a student do something for the first time. Something challenging. Something that they don't think they can do. When the moment comes and they go upside down, or into a full backbend, or drop over backwards, or lift up into an arm balance, or WHATEVER, the joy is palpable. I get so excited, I usually have to restrain myself so I don't frighten them or anyone else. The look on someone's face makes them look years younger, and suddenly their world is just a little larger. It is Divine.

The other day in class I was a bit tired after a Valentine's dinner that included some great wine. I went into a headstand in the middle of the room, something I can do now without even really thinking about it, and I fell. I fell safely, I was fine. My teacher smiled and said, "It keeps us humble." It also reminds me of that moment years ago when I learned how to fall, so that I could go up. The memory is bliss.

Monday, February 21, 2011

I am in awe of my sister. She is an athlete in general and a runner specifically. Running is her yoga. It is the place where she finds peace and is able to reach for the divine. I don't know if she would describe it as such, but that is how I see it. She runs marathons. Wow.

Someone asked me once if I would take up running. I responded that I would take up running the minute someone started chasing me. Let's just say it is not my thing. It is funny though how I specialize in teaching people with tight hips and hamstrings (lots of runners in my classes). I thought at first it was coincidence, but then I realized at some point I am honoring my sister by teaching these people, who desperately want to keep running. I hopefully teach them how to keep their bodies healthy, aligned and strong so that they can keep running, or skiing, or biking, etc.....

Running is very hard on the body. Long distance running is VERY hard on the body. (Don't even get me started on those Iron Man people.) A few years ago my sister was in a lot of pain. She was told by her doctor that she had stress fractures in her pelvis and was going to have to stop running for at least six months to let her body heal. I have been in that situation where I was told that I could not do the thing I loved MOST. It was devastating. I can only imagine how frustrated and sad she was.

When she was able to start running again we were up on Martha's Vineyard and I asked her to go to a yoga class with me. Surprisingly she said yes, yoga not being HER thing. We went to my friend Jane Norton's class (if you are ever on MV check her out- AWESOME) and practiced. It was not a particularly hard class - or so I thought. My sister was dying. She was so tight, everything was a challenge. She also told me that she didn't realize how much upper body strength/core strength she DIDN'T have. I was shocked. I don't know why, I had just always thought of her as some sort of athletic cyborg. It was crazy to me that something I found so easy she would find challenging. Then I thought, well if someone pointed a gun to my head and told me to run five miles, (the only way I would be forced into doing such a thing) I would be throwing up after the third mile. I do get on the elliptical- but I am very grumpy when I do it.

We returned to our homes and two weeks later I got a phone call from her. She told me in preparation for the Boston Marathon she had added yoga to her life. She hurt much less and her breathing was better. I was so happy for her and I realized why. Several years before; before I was a teacher, I would try to convince her to take up yoga. I basically tried to shove it down her throat. No wonder she didn't want to do it. Now yoga class was enabling her to keep practicing HER yoga which is running. (She ran the Boston marathon in about three and a half hours, by the way) There is the grace.

I tell students all of the time that I don't expect them to become Anusara devotees. I do tell them that around age thirty five your body will hand you a bill, and you are going to start paying it for the rest of your life. If yoga enables you to do the thing you love the most, FANTASTIC! If it teaches you more about your body, WONDERFUL! If it gives you something to mentally chew on, BRILLIANT! It is your life and your practice. Find a good teacher who will teach you proper alignment with an open mind and heart. Listen to your teacher and listen to your body- you know what feels right and wrong. Just because it's called a yoga class, doesn't necessarily mean it is good for you. (You CAN get hurt in a yoga class- trust me on this one)

We were up on the Vineyard again and I was talking to an acquaintance. She asked where my sister was and I told her that she was running. I added proudly that MY sister runs marathons. The woman smiled and asked if I ever would consider running a marathon. After I had stopped laughing, I told her that I couldn't wrap my head round running 26 miles. She responded with a smile, "But you can wrap your leg around your head!"

This is true.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Practice Makes on the way to Perfect

This morning I went for a walk and had coffee with my dear friend Amy. Every year she dutifully gives up something for Lent. In the past it has been sugar, white flour and shopping. We were on the the phone yesterday and she was musing on what it was going to be this year. Her husband made the suggestion that she should give up shopping again. (Of course) When we met this morning she revealed her choice.

She is going to give up complaining.

I took this in and then asked her if she was allowed to complain silently. She responded no, she was not. If she was stuck in traffic she would not complain, she would merely be hopeful that things would clear up. Me, being the Yoga Nerd that I am, then told her, "You are practicing turning to Grace!!". I was very impressed and inspired.

When one gets into a rut (we all do) we have to turn to grace to get ourselves out. In yoga it is referred to as Samskara- the patterns of life in the human condition. When life is weighing on you SO heavily and chaos seems to reign and then someone tells you to think positively- usually you are going to want to punch that person in the mouth, or tell them where they can stick their own positive energy. It has to start within. There has to be a commitment made INTERNALLY in the heart and the head. Then comes the work.

We complain.  There ARE things to complain about. Some things bigger than others. Do I think we should fake being happy and walk around like Little Mary Sunshine? No. Do I think we should tell everyone to stay positive? Not necessarily. The last time I talked to a friend about being positive, she dropped her phone and then her very expensive sunglasses broke in half. I have to start with ME, not shove it down someone else's throat.

Rather than letting my brain automatically go to a negative place, I have to STOP and EXAMINE the thought and then set a different tone from an authentic place. Is this situation good or unhealthy? What can I be pro-active and DO about it? What do I have to place in the Universe's hands and be hopeful when I can't control the situation? How do I tell the difference?

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

I teach students how to carry themselves in their everyday lives. I tell them that they have to THINK about how they are carrying themselves until their bodies eventually retain the muscular memory and their is no longer the need for the conscious effort. The same is true of thought process. If you practice thinking a certain way- eventually that is where your mind is going to go. You create the path and the patterns.

A few months ago I lost my voice. I couldn't talk (or yell), but I could whisper. What was amazing that was my children start to talk in low tones, to me AND to each other. We started listening to one another better than we ever had. I set the tone and they followed. My house was wonderfully quiet for a few days. I try now to reference those days before I start to yell at anyone.

So next time instead of telling someone to smile, smile at them yourself. Instead of telling someone what to do, practice what you are committed to doing yourself.

Or get punched.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Happy Valentines!!

I was talking to my friend Jen the other day and asked her if she was doing anything for Valentines with her husband. She said that they did normally go out, but not necessarily ON Valentines and that they agree not to get each other presents. She then said last year this was the plan, but then she got mad because he didn't get her anything. I wasn't confused at all, in fact I started laughing. I love that my friend Nina's husband, now that he is not working and no longer has an assistant, called HER to ask for the number of a florist. I think she gave it to him.

As I tell my husband all of the time, I don't care what you get me, it doesn't have to cost anything, just put thought into it. It has taken many years, but he seems to finally be getting it. Last week he told me I should get a haircut. I responded that I should also get a pedicure, but we have a lot of bills to pay this month, so the haircut can wait. Last Friday I received a text telling me to get my butt down to the salon after class- they were waiting for me. He had set up a haircut for me. He is having the week from hell at work and he took the time to do this. I accepted it graciously and enjoyed every minute of it.

My grandmother, God rest her soul, was wonderful at giving gifts and horrible at receiving them. She would always tell us to save our money, that she didn't need anything. One Thanksgiving my sister gave her a present and I think she actually told her to take it back. This was too much for me and I leaned in and held my grandmother's hands. I told her that we loved her so much and that she needed to accept our gifts as graciously as she gave hers. These gifts are given in love, please accept them with love.

When a gift is given with love, whether it is a diamond necklace or a compliment, its value is beyond measure. When one receives a gift with love and grace the same is true. We have to practice doing both. How can you practice loving someone? you might ask.....well practice loving UNCONDITIONALLY. Love when it is not easy. If you can't say it, write it down. PRACTICE showing it more and you will.

And if your husband asks for the name of a florist, smile and give it to him.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

To Everything Turn, Turn, Turn

The yoga we practice enables us to turn towards life, not try to shut it out. I took my first class in a month today and it was wonderful. I have not been to class because I had an injury  several weeks ago which needed to heal. A very wise friend of mine said something after class about her own aches and pains and how it affects her physical body. I thought, I can get through certain things in my life, rationalize them, tell myself I have accepted them and move on, but my physical body will speak up to contradict me if this is not really the case.

We carry so much around without even realizing it. I can tell myself that I need time to heal, but I also need to know when to get back on the mat to do the work towards that healing. When your lower back hurts it is very easy to justify staying out of class. But what if that pain is telling you something? What if your body is telling you something your mind has buried? How do you face it? If I can't approach it in my mind, sometimes it is more accessible on the mat.

When the mind, body and heart are moving together things can become more clear. Simply put, it is all going to come out, whether you want it to or not, and if it does not manifest itself in your thoughts, it will certainly pop up somewhere else (like your lower back). When you turn towards life, it means you have to face certain things which might be holding you back. Unless you have no feelings, this is a complex and sometimes painful task. Admitting fault or fear or pain, or things that simply hurt is not easy, but as your body can tell you, these are very heavy items. When I ask people to hold a pose, say everyone's favorite, chair pose, for a long amount of the time, the effort involved is extraordinary.......but the release, bliss.

I wrote very simply of yoga in the previous blog. This is not to say that it is simple, it is just that I cannot express the complexities without sounding like a blithering idiot sometimes. It is just so MUCH. I don't want to distill it down to a pithy quote, but I do want people to begin to wrap their heads around things before they step into the deep end of the pool. The beginning of greater access to a bigger universe can be incredibly daunting.

Svadhayaya is the practice of self- study and in my mind (literally) one of the hardest practices. Sweet Lord, what if I don't like what I see???? Well you are a work in progress, idiot, as one of my friends used to say, you can choose to change directions, or stay right where you are and live with that.

I choose to look down and see my feet, remember who I am, recognize the joys and pains of my life up til now, and then turn my head to the night sky and see the universe.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Final Exam

Do you ever have that anxiety dream in which you are in your senior year of college or high school and you have to take one more exam in order to graduate, but you didn't take the class all semester, you don't know where the exam is taking place and you are frantically running around trying to figure out what to do? I sill have that dream occasionally and I wake up and look around and always breathe a sigh of relief when I realize it was indeed, just a dream.

During our forced seclusion due to inclement weather I have taken it upon myself when not trying to pry my children away from video games (see earlier post) to methodically try to sort out the messes in my house. After my sock drawer I tackled my computer. This is when I happened on my final exam for my first Anusara teacher training several years ago. After the first wave of anxiety passed upon finding this document which caused me SO much stress at the time, the instinct to delete subsided and curiosity took its place. I hit print and began to read. Then I decided to take it again.

The basic questions I blew through fairly quickly and then I got to the Philosophy part of the test. The challenge to describe Anusara Yoga to someone with no yoga background stuck out. I remember this question from the first time I took the exam. I think I wrote a two page answer. I imagined if I actually gave that answer to someone who asked about Anusara, how their eyes would begin to glaze over as I went on and on and then they would slowly start to edge away from me. I probably wouldn't have noticed.

When I started teaching I struggled to find my identity. I thought I had to teach a certain way. I thought I had to sound like my teachers who could effortlessly weave complex themes through asana classes. I sounded like an idiot and was not connecting to anyone I was teaching. I took more workshops and became more and more dis-enfanchised with Anusara. I kept trying to fit into the mold I had created in my mind. It wasn't working. I finally remembered something a teacher had said to me, "Don't speak until you have something to say." So I shut up. For six months I led a purely technical class. Then a student said these magic words to me, "Teach the class you want to take". Brilliant.

I found my voice and began to use it. I stepped away from Anusara training, I still felt I couldn't be myself. I still sounded false when I told students to melt their hearts. I still struggled, but I kept coming back to class. I started to meditate on what I loved about Anusara rather than where I felt disconnected.

I went to see John Friend (the founder of Anusara) in Boston for a workshop. To be honest, I did not have any expectations, I went with an open heart and mind. John Friend was not overly technical, he was very funny and kind. He was encouraging in an authentic way. He was basically all of the things I value in a teacher. It is the type of teacher I want to be. It hit me. I don't have to fit into a mold, and I don't think he wants me to. I am going to keep learning, keep moving forward and speak with my own voice, not someone else's. I will work on opening to grace, even when it is hard.

Now when asked about Anusara Yoga, I say this:

Anusara is a alignment focused Yoga. We are trying to line up the mind, and the heart. You should try it.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Reading the Subtext

Last night my husband and I got into the most ridiculous argument. It was about a re-scheduling a doctor's appointment. Really. That was it. It then escalated into a screaming match. We are not the perfect couple. I would love to tell you that after a disagreement we have long esoteric discussions about our feelings and then end with an affirmation of our love and respect for one another while holding hands and gazing soulfully into each other's eyes. This would not be truthful on my part. Usually we try not to go to bed angry.

Last night this was not to be.

I woke up this morning and meditated on what was really being said during the argument. Not the actual words, but the subtext. My husband texted me after he had left for work to apologize, and then asked if I really didn't like him.  My response was this:

         Ok let me explain how that conversation should have gone-
         me: are you going to the doctor tomorrow?
         you: no, they re-scheduled it for the 16th
         me: ok

         As you were yelling about me asking stupid questions- this is the subtext of
         what I heard:
         you: YES I said I was going to the doctor and I am going to go- stop
         picking on me I am doing my best to get in shape and change my habits,
         and by the way I am having a hard time at work especially tomorrow
         and NOW I am going to take out all of my
         frustrations on you and be overly sensitive!

Then I told him I do like him. He wrote back that he loved me. Moving onward and upward.

One of the Yamas (social ethics in yoga) is the practice of Satya or Truth. Sometimes the truth of what we say lies not in the actual words, but in the meaning behind them. This obviously can get tricky. If I had slowed the argument down to process the fact that I had been home with the children for two icy days and he was dealing with some very hard things of his own, then I might have searched for the true reason for the argument and prevented the ensuing chaos. But it is hard to take a breath and a step back, especially in a heated moment. It must be practiced because we use subtext all of the time whether we mean to or not. To approach a situation truthfully is not always easy, it can, in fact, be painful.

I taught a slower class today. We opened up the hips from every single angle. My friend Rebekah, who is a wonderful teacher, remarked that when you slow it down the breath becomes so important. The opening and satya of the pose are dependent on slowing it down and breathing. Sometimes this feels wonderful, sometimes it feels intense, sometimes it downright hurts. I would like to approach my life, inner and outer, in the same way. I will not always be able to do this, but I will PRACTICE eliminating some of the subtext.

This is not to say it is always appropriate to tell the truth

When asked "Do I look fat in this?"- the appropriate answer is
always NO.......significant others take note

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Perfect Snow Day

I am a little tired of this winter wonderland. I am tired of the statement, "I'm bored". I am REALLY tired of  hearing, "He hit me---no he hit me first--well he was saying mean things to me--well he..." I think you get the idea. We are all a little bit cranky in the Bombeck household.

After a particularly long snowy January, we kick February off with an ice storm and two days home from school. I have tried to think of fun things for us all to do. We have played board games, done art projects, watched movies, cooked, built lego cities - don't all of these things sound like fun? Just like my children are perfect and well rounded and I am a Connecticut version of Gwyneth Paltrow? Yes- well all my children want to do while I come up with ANYTHING I can think of is play video games.

I have banned the games for the first half of the days we are stuck at home. I love my children. I love parts of these days. I love when they crawl in bed with us early and ask "Is it a day off?". I call the school hotline and inform that, yes it is a snow day, at which point they jump up and down on the bed, screaming as if they have won an elementary school lottery. I am reminded of myself and my sister at that age and I smile. We all then snuggle into the bed and go back to sleep. There is no rush for clothes, breakfast and bus. This part is nice. When everyone does get up our deal has been that they have to spend the morning doing things that don't require nunchuks. This is not well-received. My five year old then informs me that we will be playing the board game "Sorry", and that I have to play. I start to explain that I have things to do around the house, I have lessons and a workshop to plan, there is a MOUNTAIN of laundry, there is that whole situation in Egypt I have keep tabs on...basically I don't want to play Sorry. He then informs me that if he can't do anything "with a plug" then I can't either. He has me there.

We play, and we laugh, A LOT. We play again. This leads to making chocolate chip banana bread and doing a couple of puzzles while it bakes. I help with the puzzles. The puzzles evolve into headstands and  airplane on the floor and more laughter. This is wonderful, I am a wonderful mother, I have wonderful children, look at us! Then 12:30 hits and I am informed that they are done playing with me and as per our agreement they are entitled to now play video games.

I look mournfully at my 8 year old and ask, "Don't you want to play with me anymore?" He responds, "Well you can play on your computer now Mom." So I sit down and stare at an empty page. The interesting thing is that today I was going to write about the fullness of life.

When we are stuck in the house together we can engage- or not. I sit at the computer staring at the screen and feel a touch on my shoulder. My 5 year old says, "I'll play with you". This child has just made my life a little more full. I basically forced my children to play with me which evolved into something genuine. And then when I least expected it he says, "I love snow days because I get to be with you all day long".  Now my heart is full. Then he says...

"I also get to play SpongeBob Wii"

I'll take what I can get, because when it is real, it is all I need.